Certainty..

What is this need we have to always know the outcome? This need to know how everything is going to turn out before making a solid decision. Does it provide us with a level of comfort? Like a warm fuzzy blanket of security. I know I talk a good game of wanting to be a risk taker, but when push has come to shove I’ve buckled faster than Luongo during the playoffs.

Life has been generous enough to deal me the message, on several occasions over the last few weeks, Certainty/Comfort, not your friend, stop living here, move along and live in Uncertainty/Variety. This little message “Shake life up, take some risks, fly, jump, leap of the ledge” is being plastered across the sky for me to see. Nothing in life is certain. It’s ok to be wrong, even if it is EPICALLY wrong, it’s still ok.  

Upsetting the status quo, shaking things up, taking risks are all good things. These are things that I defiantly do not do on a regular basis, especially when I think it is going to cost me security and safety in another area. Yet, I walk around saying that I love being spontaneous, that I have no problem with last minute, when the truth is it freaks me out because at my core, I’m a planner. I plan for everything!!! My mother laughs at me all the time for this trait, because at her core, she was once the same way, but has since found the ability to relinquish control and find her zen with “Come what may.”

Let’s face it, what do any of us really have to lose?  Why not take a risk? For the ladies, there is an inner She Ra in us all that wants to take on the world and beat the snot out of life. I heard this quote quite some time ago but stumbled across it again today...

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride!"

Opinions & Judgments...

The last month has been the second toughest period of time in my life, and I only say second because I have looked death square in the face. I was raised in a loving, caring home with one of the best mother’s anyone could ask for. She taught me to be strong, make mistakes, learn from them and to no matter what, pick yourself up and dust yourself off because you are never done. She did not prepare me for what I’ve been going through.

As humans we form opinions and judgements (O&J’s) about situations, people, places and things. We hold on to these O&J’s as if they are unwavering and the truth. Let me tell you, they are not. I have believed in my opinions on certain topics and would have put my hand on a bible if faced with the actual situation I know what I would do. I have been faced with one such situation and my O&J’s about this situation are not as solid as I would have previously thought.

We are trained as human’s that the “grass is greener on the other side”. Is it really? Or is it just us not wanting to accept and see the greatness in what life has given us? I can officially say for me, grass is not greener on the other side. I am thankful for my strength, my family and the amazing friends that I have in my life that stand beside me no matter what, love me no matter what, and support me no matter what.  It is because of this support that I am able to look inside and see the strength that is in there and allow this strength to change, alter, shape and form new O&J’s, good, bad, right or wrong.

Life is a gift, don’t get stuck in viewing it through your own opinion and judgements, because you might miss out on a really great gift. 

Pigeon or Statue?...

In continuation of taking on my list from the article in my “Doing Me”post (click here to read)….

#10. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

I like to think that I wake up each morning and, like Cinderella, have little birds and mice that help me get ready while I sing a beautiful tune. My “skinny” jeans are fitting perfectly, so I stick my tongue out at my “fat” jeans as I close the closet door. I have a super yummy and healthy breakfast and make my way to work. First phone call, and as I’m reaching for the phone I spill my sweet cup of caffeinated joy all over my desk and jeans, crap. It’s my boss with a last minute urgent request, grabbing the list from yesterday, I look and see if I can prioritize this companies ever growing list of “Urgent” requests and soon realize that someone is going to get pissed that they got moved to the bottom of the list. Staff members calls in sick, customers start getting annoyed and soon you are wondering where all those little irritatingly helpful birds and mice were from this morning. Sure they can help you get ready, but where are there when a customer is ripping you a new one because his logo proof hasn’t yet arrived, or the police are standing in your office doorway waiting for you to burn surveillance footage you told them would be ready. But, then the officer smiles and says “Having a rough day?” You snicker and nod as you’re looking through video footage for the rat bastard that stole from your store, he says “Just remember some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue”.  Instantly I felt all the stress concern and worry leave my body because all you can do is do what you can do and get done what you can get done. What a smart police officer for unknowingly giving me a little gem of a reminder, thank you universe.  Then there are those days that sail by, your “to do” list is almost complete, your staff are on time and giving amazing customer service, you eat really well all day and can’t wait to text your trainer about your amazing work out and you crawl into bed that night with a huge smile on your face about the day’s accomplishments.

Some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue. Appreciate the days you are the pigeon because it gives you strength, drive and a boost to your confidence. Also appreciate the days you are the statue because being crapped on can give you the drive to do better and the determination to try harder, plus you learn to appreciate the days you are the statue so much more, after all even Cinderella had her rough days! 

Style...

So I’ve gotten a few emails regarding my “Doing Me” post (click here to read), with peeps requesting that I do another post on the list of 10 from the article I linked to. After looking and re-looking at the list I’m certain I could write a post on each one, so that I shall, but I’m not doing them in order…

#9. Follow Your Own Style

“Style” can refer to many different things, music, fashion, hairstyle, attitude, format, and so on. For the sake of this post I’m going to use the word in the context of “personal style” equalling attitude and appearance.

When I think of ladies that I would consider style icons I think of Sarah Jessica Parker, Audrey Hepburn, Gwen Stefani and Lady Gaga, to name a few. I also picture designers like Diane Von Furstenberg, Chanel and Vivien Westwood. Each of these woman have a unique and signature look that is all their own, some classic to some extreme, but what they all have in common is that they have never waived from who they are, from their signature look. Sure, every now and again they make take a slight detour, but they always return to the very core of who they are.

When I think of personal style the person I always think of first is my friend Celeste, she played a big part in the development of my personal style, because she taught me the biggest lesson of all. Style is not just about the clothes you wear, the amount of makeup you have on or the color of your hair, it’s about your attitude too. It is the combination of those two things that make up your personal style.   

I look back at pictures from years past and I cringe at some of my “phases” that I went through. The big bangs, the turtlenecks, the patterns that a plus size girl, should really not be wearing and it makes me giggle. I look at my closet today and I’m certain there are fashion guru’s out there that would have an opinion about some of my outfits, but it boils down to me being comfortable.  I work in fashion retail and over the years I’ve seen trends, colors, and styles do full circles a number of times. I can’t say I tend to follow the trends. I wear what I want to wear, the colors I want to wear and I don’t care if they are in season or not.

Finding your own style takes time, a few mistakes and a little bit of tender, love and care to develop. It’s made up of things that make you, you. Finding that signature color that marks your personality, no matter how many people tease or bug you about it, it forever remains your favorite color.  Finding that addiction to cutting up shirts and t-shirts alike to make it unique despite the fact someone thinks you are ruining a perfectly good shirt. Also, playing with eyeliner, eye shadows, blushes and lipsticks, painting the blank canvas that is your face, till you look in the mirror and a smile, but the biggest thing is that your personal style is also always changing. As you grow, mature, develop (both physically and mentally) your style changes.

All I can say is, find yours, not someone else’s, never apologize for it and no matter what, smile. A smile is the most beautiful accessory of all.  

Namaste the F*@k...

Before I get started, I would like to state that I am just as guilty of this as the next person, however, I am making a HUGE conscious effort to shift my thinking. Twice, over the last few of days I’ve had this conversation with different peeps and felt compelled to write about it. I promise not to make it too much of a rant.

As someone that takes on my personal growth, like a hyena takes on hunting baby lions, there is one thing I have become frustrated with. This ideal seems to have developed, that to “manifest” something into existence all you need to do is focus on it. Think positive about it, repeat positive affirmations, create a vision board, stare at it every day and be thankful to the universe for bringing it to you, or as I like to call it…Namaste the f*@k out of that sucker!

Here’s the pitfall that I and so many have fallen victim to. “Well I Namaste’d the f*@k out of that sucker and it didn’t work. “Manifesting” is garbage, doesn’t work.”

People have used that as an excuse, YOU STILL HAVE TO TAKE ACTION. I can Namaste the f*@k out of wanting to lose weight and get healthy, but unless I am actually eating right and exercising and taking actions to move me towards that goal, I can pray for it all I want, won’t help. You want to win/make millions of dollars. You write a big fat cheque to yourself, you great a vision board about wealth, but did you buy a lottery ticket? Did you talk to your boss about a raise?  Did you apply for a higher paying job? You want to meet the man of your dreams. You write out a list of qualities and attributes, perhaps pull a few photos from magazines and post them. However, if you sit at home every night, don’t go out to different places and make an effort to put yourself in situations where said man may be…do you honestly think the take out delivery man is going to be the one?  Have I made my point?

The other key to this, aside from action, is your heart, mind and eyes need to be open. You need to give up all expectation of what it is going to look like. Last time I checked Brad Pitt was with Angelina Jolie, so trying to “manifest” Brad isn’t going to happen.  Jennifer Lopez is still alive and well and requires her body, so trying to “manifest” her body, not going to happen.

Taking action requires moving forward, moving in life is essential to expanding and it is when you begin to expand that, I believe, the universe aligns itself with your desires.

I think I did pretty well with not ranting….

Childlike Enthusiasm...

“Put yourself into life and never lose your openness, your childish enthusiasm throughout the journey that is life, and things will come your way” ~Fredirico Fellini~

I remember growing up, as a wee little girl, sitting in my room for hours, dreaming of the life I was going to one day have. All the really great things in life I was going to accomplish, the things I was going change in the world.

I was going to live in a huge plantation style house, with a mile long drive way that will be lined with big trees and cherry blossoms. A wrap around balcony with a chair swing, a lake off to one side, a big tree in the backyard with a tire swing for the kids to play on. I could go on for hours of the dreams I used to have. What happened? When did we stop dreaming and just starting going with the motions of life?

Last night I was walking in the rain, with a friend and we were walking through a public garden exploring the different spaces, climbing through and around the different boxes. Feeling the flowers, the plants, even tasting a couple trying to figure out what they were. I stopped for a brief moment to just listen to the rain and watch it fall. It was so gentle, so soft, and peaceful, it was idyllic. In that moment it felt like I was holding hands with that little girl that loved to play in the puddles and dream. I was quickly snapped back to reality to my cell phone buzzing away and my friend calling to keep walking.  It was the most fun I’ve had in a really long time.

Where has the child like enthusiasm for life gone? Has it been replaced with adult responsibilities and proper behavior?

I don’t know about you, but I want more moments like last night and fewer moments widdling my worry stick sitting in my rocking chair full of concerns and adult responsibilities.

Gift of Life...

Today I received some news that a dear friend of mine has passed away. I am still processing the sadness and grief around his loss. He was one of the most caring, generous and loving men I know. My last conversation with him he said to me “Don’t shrink Nikki, the world needs to see your greatness. “ I know that he would not want me sitting around grieving his loss, he would expect me to crack a beer and watch a football game. Every Monday during football season, a few years back, we sat in a pub and he tried as hard as hell to explain the game to me, never quite got it.

There was one thing he and I had in common, heart troubles, which forced us both to appreciate the gift that is life. I was forced to face, at the age of 20, that I am not as indestructible as I thought I was and you may not get a second chance, like I did, to live life so appreciate it, live it, love it.

I had a pacemaker implanted after my heart decided to take an extended vacation because the electrical system was broken. I remember that moment everything started to go black, I could hear the monitors behind me start to make all sorts of sounds, and I remember watching the nurses and dr.’s rush towards me. The next thing I remember is watching them work on me for a long time. Yes, you read that right, I watched it all; all the needles, all the compressions, the paddles, I saw it all. I then remember blinking and looking back up at all the dr.’s and nurses and starting to cry. After that I don’t remember much until my mom walked around the corner, saw me laying there with all the tubes and machines beeping away. She kissed me on the forehead and said “Don’t you dare die before me, understand missy?” I knew from that moment on that I was given a second chance at life, to live it, embrace and enjoy it.

So, if you fought with someone today, weather you were right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. Call them or look at them and apologize and let them know how much you love them. Kiss your kids and appreciate the blessing they are, no matter how badly they make you want to pull your hair out. Give thanks for the amazing person your wife/husband/girlfriend/ boyfriend is. That friend that you haven’t spoken to for quite some time, but they pop into your mind, pick up the phone, call, write, email, get in touch with them. Tick those items off your bucket list. Start that hobby you put down because you never have the time. Just do it.

Life truly is a gift, don’t take it for granted, appreciate it, live it and love every minute of it. 

A Moment...

Sometimes you experience a moment, just this brief period of time where you are looking up at the full moon, shining so brightly, and you start to smile and what comes rushing in is this overwhelming sense of hope, joy, but most of all…peace. In this brief moment you can feel that everything is going to be ok, that you are going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is that moment where you can exhale. You can exhale all the worry, all the anger, all the sadness that you’ve been holding on to. You being to breathe again and you soak in the moment and you smile. 

Undergoing Major Renovations…

There are times when you start to make some really big decisions in your life and you begin to realize how deep those previous choices have run. I recently stripped myself bare of a fair chunk of things I used to believe in and hold as personal truths. Being stripped of these, is not a bad thing, but it leaves you feeling like an old house that has been stripped, left with only its frame. For many, many years you paint over colors, put up wall paper, paint over that, rip up the floor and put down laminate, not real hard wood, but it will do.  Sooner or later you get so tired and stuck in a rut you bring in a demo crew and all that’s left standing is the foundation and the frame. Leaving you feeling naked and vulnerable to the elements of the world, but one the other hand completely excited about the new house you get to build and live in for years and years to come.

Being naked and vulnerable is kind of scary because you’re first instinct is to rush in with old habits and ways of operating to protect yourself, but you try every time to remember that it’s those old habits and old thought patterns that got you here and because you are hell bend on not putting up the same ol’ ugly wallpaper you try your hardest to get comfortable being naked. Each day taking one step forward and try with all your might to re-build a house that can withstand any earthquake, flood, tornado or hurricane that the universe can throw at it.

Rebuilding one piece of plywood at a time, one piece of drywall at a time, one can of primer at a time, one can of beautiful brightly colored paint at a time because this is your chance to paint the mosaic you’ve always wanted to; your chance to rebuild your house on your own terms, no one else’s. Your strength to take on such a large renovation comes from having such a strong foundation. My foundation consists of the raw determination that is inside of me to never settle, never give up, to always go kicking and screaming. It is then reinforced with the strength of my friends and family who are always right there to help with the hard parts.

When was the last time you were comfortable being naked? 

Decisions...

"Standing at a fork in the road...not sure what road to take, to follow the path lit for me or down the un-lit path and whatever lies ahead in the darkness?"

So today has been one of those difficult days. I had a decision laid in my lap that would drastically alter the course of my life. I am someone that is always very methodical in my choices, as previously stated I play it safe, I made decisions that kept me comfortable and kept me safe. I also talk to everyone that I can before I make my decision and I make my choice based on what other people’s reaction that could possibly be affected by my decision.  Kinda f*cked up isn’t it.

This morning I had a decision laying in front of me, all the people I’d normally talk to were either at work or not answering my phone. It quickly became apparently clear that as someone that makes decisions putting others first, was going to have to put myself first and make this decision on my own, this is when the tears started flowing. So I started the coffee machine, because let’s face it no major decisions should be made before coffee. Then I pulled out my journal and started writing. I seem to remember having this dream of building a business. What happened to that dream?  What happened to all the passion I had for life? To lose weight, get healthy, start my company…where did that go? When did I lose it? Did I lose it when I got into a relationship? Is my desire to make a big change coming from that I have set my life up with people, places and things that hold me accountable to those dreams and because I haven’t fulfilled on that I want to run away and do the “start over” mentality? Isn’t that what I’m always doing? Where did I lose my passion and drive? In an effort to stall this exploration I went to Youtube and had some videos saved and so I began to watch them. You see being human we come up with really great ways of distracting ourselves when we are about to peel a layer of the onion, but low and behold Youtube Gods were against me having a distraction. Damn them!  There was one video I must have watched at least 20 times, specifically at 1:05 – 2:33.

"I'm gonna show you how great I am..."

That is a speech from the movie Rocky Balboa, say what you want about that film, but listening to that gave me a sense of relief. My 2012 thus far has been one knock down after the other. I have spent more time on my knees, laying in the dirt than I have standing at times, it seems. I have wanted to stay there, but you see, I have these really great friends and family and little voice in my head that just won’t let me.  The great thing about losing things, is that you can find them again and find what inspired you about it and keep moving forward. Doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up. If that’s the case, bring it. 

I made the decision, and although it was carefully disguised as a great opportunity, it was an opportunity that would have kept me safe and kept me playing small. I made the best choice for me and funny enough when my decision was made, my mom phoned, my friends texted back, that's how I knew this was something I had to do alone, no one else could do it for me. So, let's get a move on. 

Doing Me...

Oscar Wilde once said “Be yourself because everyone else is already taken” Seems humorous, but this is something that has been percolating in my little head, ok overly large head according to hat sizes, the last couple days.

The other night I was having dinner with 2 ladies and at one point I looked at them and I got this overwhelming sense from them that they knew exactly who they were and they don’t care what anyone else thinks because no one can mess with them. I couldn’t help but be envious and then I remembered there was a time that I was exactly like them before I started to give up pieces of myself to be in a relationship with someone. Now before everyone gets all bend out of shape, I understand that you make compromises and such when in a relationship with someone, but the more distance I get from mine I realize more and more that some of the things I was giving up, wasn’t normal. This is a common theme that both many men and woman do. I do not intend to make this error again.

So I took to some reading and came across this amazing article (click here to read), but to summarize the article…

1.       Find yourself and define yourself on your own terms.

2.       Avoid fixating on the past and not letting yourself grow.

3.       Stop caring how others perceive you.

4.       Be honest and open.

5.       Relax. Stop worrying.

6.       Treat yourself as you’d treat your own best friend

7.       Develop and express your own individuality.

8.       Stop comparing yourself to others.

9.       Follow your own style.

10.   Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

I have stared at this list for quite a while now, read it about 100 times and thought about each individual point. I’ve walked away made coffee, had lunch in hopes of not thinking about it, but these 10 items are pretty powerful.

Who I am is someone that loves people. I love taking on my personal growth every day with careless abandon. Even the days or weeks that I seem to fall flat on my face and stay down, I know those are the times I’m truly growing. I love wiping away the tears, standing up and dusting myself off. Giving up what others think about me but the more I focus on this the less I stop defining myself on my own terms and allow others to dictate what I’m capable of. Be honest and open, I do my best to always communicate what’s going on, what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. It throws people of sometimes because I’m always clear about where I’m at. I swear on my life worrying is a genetic trait, this is an ongoing battle. Treating myself with the love, kindness and appreciate that I treat my best friend with, well epic fail is all I have to say, but willing to take this on.

I have this amazing friend Celeste that has this personal style that others envy. She would wear whatever outfit she wanted and because of her attitude it didn’t matter because she could pull it off. I have her to thank for the development of my personal style. She taught me to wear what you want and don’t apologize to anyone for it. She taught me that the biggest part of an outfit is your attitude about it. I have this addiction to taking a pair of scissors to t-shirts, making sure I wear something pink almost every day and wearing things that I love be them popular brands or not.

Who I am is me. Who I am is in love with people. Who I am is a girl addicted to the color pink. I love make-up. I love helping others. I love humor. I love family. I love being a brunette. Who I am is someone that loves music right down to my soul. Who I am is a woman that is not going to sell myself short. Who I is a woman with imperfections and flaws. Who I am is me. 

Love & Romance...

So some friends of mine indicated to me that I have a free pass today to be resigned and cynical about love, relationships, romance and all that jazz, especially today because it is the day of love afterall.

So I was thinking about my situation and what's played out over the last few weeks, the heartache, betrayal, dishonesty and my friends are right...it would be super easy for me to put on my horns, grab my pitch fork and walk around all day being mean to those who are trying to enjoy the day. After I finished drinking my coffee and my caffeine monster was satiated I began to think more clearly...

Although I'm slowly piecing my heart back together, there is still a big part of me that believes in love and knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will find a man that will love and respect me as much as I do him. I'm talking about that all consuming, can't live without each other kind of love. The kind of love where you don't have to change, give up or remove pieces of who you are to be in a relationship with this person. The kind of love where you don't have to hide and when you are being stubborn they call you out. When you do something nice for them they smile, give you a kiss and say “Thank you, I love you.”

A big part of who I am is a hopeless romantic and although there are days that I would love nothing more than to beat that part of me with a reality stick I believe that it is possible and it is out there. You just need a little faith and love in yourself first so that your heart is open for that person to walk on in.

My heart is not yet open, but I'm working on it...

Thankful...

Starbucks Valentine's Cup

Eleanor Roosevelt said “If you can live through that [a difficult situation] you can live through anything. You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”

So this last week has been probably in my top 5 of worst weeks of my life, right below the week I died, because there have been times this week that I have thought death would have probably felt better then moving through some of the disrespect, pain and anger I was feeling. Although I am now coming out the other side I have moments where I can feel my heart sink and the tears well up in my eyes. The love I have felt and kept tucked in the depths of my heart for the last 15 years is now coming to an end. Here is what I am thankful for...

1)      I'm thankful to have experienced that kind of pure love. There are people in this world that have gone through life never allowing themselves to feel love or to experience that level of love and I am thankful and grateful to him that I was granted the gift to experience this kind of love.

2)      I'm thankful to him for having taught me to never settle for anything less than what I deserve. I'm thankful to him for showing me that no matter what, never settle.

3)      I'm thankful for learning this past week that although I have this tendency to want to do things on my own and “tough it out”, it is ok to let friends and family fill your heart with love when it feels broken and empty. I have amazing pillars of strength all around me when I feel like I can't even breathe.

I am learning to my very core that I can, indeed, take anything that comes alone. I’m stronger than I know, more beautiful than I believe and more talented than I can ever imagine. 

Anger...

So since sleep seems to not be my friend at this point in time and I’ve got all this stuff going through my brain I thought what better place to come than you guys.

I’m dealing with a broken heart right now. I’m looking at the floor and seeing the billion pieces my heart has been broken into. All day my head was in a fog, crying at the drop of a hat, feeling the grief for the end of a relationship. Now, something else seems to be starting to trickle into its place. I don’t know how I feel about it or how to process it.anger.

Our relationship ended because he started to pull away with no real explanation as to why. In an act of desperation I betrayed his trust and logged into his Facebook account and started to do some reading and quickly discovered that he was not being faithful. I'm going to add in that this was not the first time either. When I asked him about it there was flat out denial, but how can you deny what I read. I didn’t make it up, when you read that your boyfriend has been kissing another girl, spending time with another girl, how do you deny that? Now, I do not condone the act of me hacking into his Facebook account without consent, that is not the kind of person I am or want to be which is why I owned up to it to him, but why is he the only one that gets to be upset and angry? What about me? How come it feels like I’m the one that gets cheated on, but somehow this is all my fault?

I’ve held onto the love for the man since I was 14 years old and believed that if we were given the opportunity that everything would be great. That opportunity came to life and for a couple months I was happy. I poured my heart and soul into this relationship. He’s had a rough go of things, so I did everything I could to support him. I gave him work, gave him money, paid for bus tickets, bought him things, bought his kids things and now the anger is setting in that I do all of that for him because I love him and he cheats on me and gets to make me out to be the bad guy?

His family welcomed me into their hearts and homes with open arms and so when our relationship ended, out of my respect and love for them, I sent a brief msg telling them what I’d done and my apologies to them. This is one of the most amazing and loving families you could ever meet and part of my sadness today is realizing the fact that they are no longer going to be in my life the way I had originally hoped they were going to be.

I don’t know how to process this. I don’t want to be this bitter woman that builds a 30 foot brick wall around myself but I’m finding it really difficult not to at the moment. Then on the other side of all of that is this little tiny voice that still says “Don’t give up hope Nikki, you two are meant to be, just not now”

Letting Go...

So I’m clear that my 2012 is not starting out as previous envisioned. In fact I’ve cried daily, moved from anger to frustration to sadness in the span of a minute and seriously thought at one point that there is something wrong with me mentally. In walks the BFF “AL” for a smack upside the head and a heart to heart.

Have you ever held on to something so tight that when you finally stopped and looked you couldn’t really remember why you were holding on?  Have you ever rushed into a decision because you just want the answer so bad, you couldn’t wait? Or my personal favorite…have you ever had an argument or thrown a temper tantrum because something didn’t go your way or because you couldn’t deal with not being right?

I was/am one of those women that have to have the answer for everything and I have to have it right away. If something didn’t/doesn’t go my way, trust me, I’m going to make darn sure you know about it and I’ve made more snap judgements and un-thoughtful decisions because I didn’t want to see how it was going to play out.

This morning on the phone I got why. I’m currently hanging on the edge of a cliff. There are a lot of areas of my life that are up in the air right now and I don’t know how they are going to play out. If I climb back up the cliff I’m going back to what I’ve always down, how I’ve always done it. If I let go and fall it means trusting that no matter what, what is meant to happen will happen. Now for a girl that always has to have all the answers, you can see why I’ve been an anxiety stricken, tear factory producing mess the first 18 days of this year. For the first time I’m letting go and I’m going to fall, I’m going to let things play out how they play out and trust that what is meant to happen will happen.

My dear BFF AL said this really great thing “A breakthrough is a quick fix to an annoying problem, a transition is shifting who you are to your very core and you my friend are smack dap in the middle of a transition so let go of the cliff.”

So, I’m letting go of expectations, assumptions, judgements and having to always know what’s on the other side. This isn’t to say that those things won’t always be there, it’s about practicing letting them go. 

The First 12 days....

I'm taking the advice so eloquently put in this picture

So they say that the first 12 days of the year dictate how your year is going to go. It has been one hell of a ride that I have no desire to stay on for the year, which means I have 2 days to change how my first 12 days have gone.

What I’ve discovered, thus far, in my first 9 days is…

1.)    I do not adapt well to change, at all! If plans change and I’m not given ample notice I can through a hissy fight that could match a 2 year old that you’ve just told cannot have the bright shiny new toy she wants. Even worse, if I’m not told till the last minute and have no say in the change in plans….well just picture the little girl from Poltergeist, head spinning, pea soup spewing….you get the point.

2.)    My insecurities, which I thought I was keeping a pretty good handle on, have reared their ugly head in different, new ways. They masked themselves in “designer clothes” thinking I wouldn’t notice the new form they’ve taken. HA! Funny thing when you think you’ve dealt with an issue, it will take a new shape and reappear.

3.)    I have a boyfriend that, although not perfect, has more patience in his pinky finger than I do in my whole body. How do I know this? Well, he’s dating me, so he has to because I do not make it easy on him at times.

 

I have cried more, been upset more, been angry more and been so frustrated in the first 9 days of this year that I’m pulling out my big ol’ reset button and calling a do-over!

The three things I won’t do over…all the time I’ve spent getting to know my boyfriend’s family, my time with my Mumma, and my visit to one of the most beautiful cities this province has to offer and my hometown, Vernon.

Alright January 10^th & 11^th let’s go! 

2012 Baby!!!

Well 2012 has finally arrived and 2011 has come to a close and what a year it has been.

I set out to accomplish a series of goals last year, some of them I did and some of them I did not. The past year has felt like a few layers of skin have been shed. A lot of my reasons and excuses for not doing things went bankrupt, I’ve put myself out on a limb a couple times this year and it wasn’t as scary as previously expected. I’ve stood up for myself this year, when normally I would have shut down or coward away in fear. I strengthened some friendships and lost some friendships as well. I moved forward in some areas of my life and took a step or two backwards in others, but that is ok. 

What I am excited about is how all this change and newness is going to work its magic on my life in 2012. This coming year I want to….

1.       Take more risks than I’ve ever taken before. If my first response to something is no, then I want to make sure I say “Hell Yes!”

2.       Live my life with passion, power, confidence and ease.

3.       Look fear in the face and tell it to “F*ck off!”

4.       Love everyone and everything, especially when I don’t want to or it doesn’t look possible.

5.       Do more things than I’ve ever done before

There were parts to this year that I felt like it was just more of the same; more of the same bullshit, more of the same happening over and over again. The great thing about that is that it wasn’t the whole year! So this year I want to continue busting up the bullshit by living and breathing my 5 points above.

With that in mind here is my game plan for 2012…

1.       Eat healthy and food that nourishes my body. This year I’m not going to focus on losing a certain number or getting to a certain number. What I’m going to focus on is feeding my body the type of food that gives it proper vitamins, minerals and in return gives me health, vitality and energy.

2.       Exercise more. Try all different kinds of exercise and make them fun

3.       Get my driver’s license FINALLY. Enough said.

4.       Be more responsible in the area of money and saving. I have things I want to accomplish and I can’t do those things without the proper financial foundation.

5.       Read more, I love reading and I enjoy reading, but for some reason I hardly ever read, so this year I read more!  1 book a month, minimum.

6.       Live, breathe and take in the 5 points listed in the first part of this entry to every fibre of my being

7.       HAVE FUN!

Bring on 2012!