So since sleep seems to not be my friend at this point in time and I’ve got all this stuff going through my brain I thought what better place to come than you guys.
I’m dealing with a broken heart right now. I’m looking at the floor and seeing the billion pieces my heart has been broken into. All day my head was in a fog, crying at the drop of a hat, feeling the grief for the end of a relationship. Now, something else seems to be starting to trickle into its place. I don’t know how I feel about it or how to process it.anger.
Our relationship ended because he started to pull away with no real explanation as to why. In an act of desperation I betrayed his trust and logged into his Facebook account and started to do some reading and quickly discovered that he was not being faithful. I'm going to add in that this was not the first time either. When I asked him about it there was flat out denial, but how can you deny what I read. I didn’t make it up, when you read that your boyfriend has been kissing another girl, spending time with another girl, how do you deny that? Now, I do not condone the act of me hacking into his Facebook account without consent, that is not the kind of person I am or want to be which is why I owned up to it to him, but why is he the only one that gets to be upset and angry? What about me? How come it feels like I’m the one that gets cheated on, but somehow this is all my fault?
I’ve held onto the love for the man since I was 14 years old and believed that if we were given the opportunity that everything would be great. That opportunity came to life and for a couple months I was happy. I poured my heart and soul into this relationship. He’s had a rough go of things, so I did everything I could to support him. I gave him work, gave him money, paid for bus tickets, bought him things, bought his kids things and now the anger is setting in that I do all of that for him because I love him and he cheats on me and gets to make me out to be the bad guy?
His family welcomed me into their hearts and homes with open arms and so when our relationship ended, out of my respect and love for them, I sent a brief msg telling them what I’d done and my apologies to them. This is one of the most amazing and loving families you could ever meet and part of my sadness today is realizing the fact that they are no longer going to be in my life the way I had originally hoped they were going to be.
I don’t know how to process this. I don’t want to be this bitter woman that builds a 30 foot brick wall around myself but I’m finding it really difficult not to at the moment. Then on the other side of all of that is this little tiny voice that still says “Don’t give up hope Nikki, you two are meant to be, just not now”
1 comment:
I am 9 months ahead of you in trying to mend my own broken heart. I can totally relate to where you are at. Since, I have just been there, I will share some insight. You won't be able to make sense of it all right now. Too fresh, too raw. First, you need to forgive yourself for hacking into his account. You did it as a reaction to unexplained behavior from him and he wasn't honest with you about why. Second, he cheated on you. You deserve to be with someone with integrity. Trust is a foundation and if you can't trust your partner, how far would you have gotten in the relationship? Third, the more distance and time you have from the relationship, you will begin to see it more clearly. It is not going to happen over night. Write, hang out with good friends and family, cry, let yourself go through all your emotions. Do nice things for yourself everyday...it will get better...hugs!
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