Decisions...

"Standing at a fork in the road...not sure what road to take, to follow the path lit for me or down the un-lit path and whatever lies ahead in the darkness?"

So today has been one of those difficult days. I had a decision laid in my lap that would drastically alter the course of my life. I am someone that is always very methodical in my choices, as previously stated I play it safe, I made decisions that kept me comfortable and kept me safe. I also talk to everyone that I can before I make my decision and I make my choice based on what other people’s reaction that could possibly be affected by my decision.  Kinda f*cked up isn’t it.

This morning I had a decision laying in front of me, all the people I’d normally talk to were either at work or not answering my phone. It quickly became apparently clear that as someone that makes decisions putting others first, was going to have to put myself first and make this decision on my own, this is when the tears started flowing. So I started the coffee machine, because let’s face it no major decisions should be made before coffee. Then I pulled out my journal and started writing. I seem to remember having this dream of building a business. What happened to that dream?  What happened to all the passion I had for life? To lose weight, get healthy, start my company…where did that go? When did I lose it? Did I lose it when I got into a relationship? Is my desire to make a big change coming from that I have set my life up with people, places and things that hold me accountable to those dreams and because I haven’t fulfilled on that I want to run away and do the “start over” mentality? Isn’t that what I’m always doing? Where did I lose my passion and drive? In an effort to stall this exploration I went to Youtube and had some videos saved and so I began to watch them. You see being human we come up with really great ways of distracting ourselves when we are about to peel a layer of the onion, but low and behold Youtube Gods were against me having a distraction. Damn them!  There was one video I must have watched at least 20 times, specifically at 1:05 – 2:33.

"I'm gonna show you how great I am..."

That is a speech from the movie Rocky Balboa, say what you want about that film, but listening to that gave me a sense of relief. My 2012 thus far has been one knock down after the other. I have spent more time on my knees, laying in the dirt than I have standing at times, it seems. I have wanted to stay there, but you see, I have these really great friends and family and little voice in my head that just won’t let me.  The great thing about losing things, is that you can find them again and find what inspired you about it and keep moving forward. Doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up. If that’s the case, bring it. 

I made the decision, and although it was carefully disguised as a great opportunity, it was an opportunity that would have kept me safe and kept me playing small. I made the best choice for me and funny enough when my decision was made, my mom phoned, my friends texted back, that's how I knew this was something I had to do alone, no one else could do it for me. So, let's get a move on.