Obsession: Coffee!

Ok I know seems a little silly, but I have to write about it.

So today I wandered on down to the ol' passport office and FINALLY dropped off my passport application. I was going to be spending a portion of the day with "Agnes" so I had a timeline. To save time I decided to save my morning coffee for the wait at the passport office, wow what a HUGE mistake this turned out to be. I slipped into a favorite coffee spot of mine downtown and grabbed a VERY yummy cup and continued the walk to the passport office. Upon my arrival I notice a BIG ol' red sign on the door that says "No Outside Food or Beverages Permitted." Well being the rebel that I am and haven only taken two sips from my cup of yummy joy I walked on in with my coffee. Standing in the line for not more than 45 seconds and the security guard wonders over to me and tells me that I'm not allowed to bring my coffee in. Well, buddy! Now you've gone and done it. Being in a government office and considering they hold all the cards till I have actual passport in hand I bid a sad farewell to my coffee, this got me a little hot under the collar. You are now telling me that you want me to play nice with others, and government officials no less, without caffeine in my system?!?!

Having gotten my number I now took a seat and began a favorite pass time, people watching. Sure enough people walk in with coffee cups and sure enough the security guard goes over and stomps all over their hearts as he did mine not minutes before. Sadist. I then began to think about my obsession with coffee and dependency on caffeine. There was a time when I HATED the taste of coffee and swore up and down that I would never drink it! Now, I have friends and co-workers that if I haven't had coffee yet, won't talk to me out of fear and won't allow me to interact with the public until said caffeine monster has been fed. So to be clear, I am not a "drink an entire pot" type of girl. I have my one latte in the morning and possibly a second latte or cup of java in the afternoon.

Do I have a favorite brand, nope. I am not a coffee snob, like some I know :) I tend to like my coffee on the stronger side and have been banned from making coffee in certain locations due to this fact, so I leave the coffee making to the specialists. The only thing I care about is feeding my caffeine monster!

In short, consider this a warning.....do not poke the bear until the caffeine monster has been fed. Oh and to the security guard in the passport office, you took away my cup of joy so you get no happy vibes from me mister! Oh and to the Government of Canada, the floor was made of tile, the cleaner was already comin' by every 15 minutes, let a person enjoy a cup of coffee if you are gonna make them sit there and wait! Oh, and uh....thank you for making me acknowledge my addiction to coffee :)

Yeah and this Youtube video is SOOOO worth the watch!

Perfection = Frustration

Frustration has been the name of the game for.....oooooo....... I'd say a week and a half now. You may have noticed due to the lack of blogging. Pretty long time eh?

Having the courage to take myself on is going to be one of, it not the hardest thing i will eve do. The life I want to live is not going to be handed to me. It is going to require some seriously hard work, with a dash of motivation, a wee bit of determination and about 3 helpings of commitment. It is not going to be happen over night. I'm going to fall off the wagon, loose motivation and be UNBELIEVABLY hard on myself.

I have discovered yet another common, nasty phrase running through my head. This one is "Do it perfectly or don't do it all." I do not know, nor do I particularly care where this sentence started or came from, but I'm crystal clear it is serving absolutely no purpose in my life :) I do not give myself the room to make mistakes, to embrace my humanity. Is that not kinda the point in life? Make mistakes and learn from them. Seems a little silly to keep going around in circles. I'm about to turn ## and I'm tired of giving up on myself!  I don't want to waste my time anymore. I meet really great people that say they see this "thing" inside me, but I ignore it. I've been living in my view of myself and it's gotten me where I am today, which is great. I have many things that I am grateful for, but what if it is time to embrace someone else's view of me. Lord knows I can always go back to get mine, pretty certain it isn't going anywhere :)

Read this really great quote today....

"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something you accept no excuses, only results."

Punk Out!

So I've been sitting in front of this blank screen typing different things and deleting them for about 40 minutes now, occasionally distracting myself with silly little things. I type something then delete it because it isn't what I want to talk about right now, or I get up and go make coffee, or flip through a magazine to avoid typing what has become glaringly apparent within the last 24 hours. I know as humans we all have our "version" of this, but I'm gonna talk about mine...

I had the pleasure of making a new friend in one of the most unexpected places. We went for coffee and through our chat I realized something. I have a particular way of operating. If I get uncomfortable and am required to move outside my comfort zone I am gonna punk out, bail, leave, exit stage left, disappear, etc. I will find a really great excuse or situation, use that and bail. This has been a really great way of keeping myself safe and comfortable for a really long time. As someone who is committed to being different, to shaking things up this clearly is not going to work! Even sitting here typing this I can see this weaving its way through different areas of my life. It has made several appearances in different jobs, shown up once or twice in my relationships with men, and defiantly in... well you get the idea. 

Now this is something that I can do one of two things with. I can see this, say "Great" and then do absolutely nothing with it or two, acknowledge this, be responsible for it and go after the life I know I want. Since starting this blog I have been getting really great at getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, this is another layer of that. In allowing this little tid bit to run the show for some time now I've missed some really great opportunities and I don't want to sit back and miss them anymore! 

I know there is a "part B" to this as well. I need to go back and apologize and clean up any possible messes that may have been left behind from this little pattern of mine. Just in typing this I can think of two people that will be getting a phone call from me. I am a firm believer in that one can not truly move forward until you deal with the excess baggage from the past. I can make it really difficult and hard to do or I can embrace the sunshine and move forward. 

Life is about pictures, both big and small. It is really great to keep your eye on the big picture but don't miss the journey along the way. Enjoy the small pictures to because without them the big picture looses a piece. 

Fabulousness!

http://todayslyrics.tumblr.com/page/2

OK I have just spent the last 14 hours in Operator meetings for the company I work for. My brain hit it's limit somewhere between Asset Protection and financial reviews and the ol' brain started to wonder and due to lack of sleep it was an interesting path, but the hamster got on the wheel and started walking....

We have all made mistakes in life, things we wish we could take back that we did or said. It may have been as long ago as elementary school or as close as yesterday that it happened, but it occupies that little space in your brain and occasionally the thought comes of “wish I hadn't done/said that”. If we as individuals are the sum total of all the choices we've made in our life, then why take it back? It has made you who you are today...good, bad, smart, practical, opinionated, straight, narrow doesn't matter, it is who you are. Perhaps it is that I am a firm believer is growing and learning from the choices and decisions I have made but doesn't matter who you are, because who you are is fabulous. Believe me you probably do not, is what Yoda might say....lol, but I hate to tell ya....YUP! YOU ARE FABULOUS! I have a very dear friend that more often than not smacks me....really hard.... to remind me of this. Secretly I'm glad as she is literally beating it into me. 

It was at this point that I was poked with a pen and the hamster was kicked off the wheel and forced to once again listen to financial reviews......

Update & A Few Changes!!!

Right off the bat I would like to wish everyone Happy Love Day!

Well, being Monday and all I wanted to take a couple moments and share some exciting news with you all and make a couple changes.

I am very excited to report that as of my weigh in February 12th I have lost a total of 21 lbs!!! Since I started blogging in January I have lost a total of 10.2 lbs, which leaves 70lbs to loose for this year. Not a small task, but defiantly a challenge that I am up for and excited to take on.

When I first decided to start blogging I was looking for an outlet to get the thoughts inside my head out and to make a change. I will be the first to admit that I have some control issues and have been doing the same thing over and over again and well, someone famous once said “ Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” I needed to make a change, no matter how big or small and writing these posts has provided it. It has been a bumpy ride so far, but I wouldn't take any of it back. Growing as a person, reprogramming your core operating system is not an easy or comfortable task, but I am glad to be doing it. Never in a million years did I think people around the world would be reading my blog, but so far people in Haiti, Japan, Latvia, United States, Australia and Malaysia have been joining along. I am humbled and nervous, but smiling.

Ok folks, some changes!

I have decided that writing out goals once a week is not working for me, so I will be doing my Goals posts, once a month and then updating the following month. I will also be posting a picture of myself once a month. Some may view this as arrogant, but allow me to explain. I really dislike having my picture taken and what better way to get over this than to at least take one myself and post it for the world to see. I think it will also serve as a visual cue for my weight loss journey because looking at myself every day I don't really see a difference, so perhaps having pictures to look back on will help me appreciate the hard work an journey I am on!

So, without further adeau here are my goals for the month!

1. Exercise 30mins/6 days a week – I am learning that exercise doesn't mean breaking a hardcore sweat. It means, moving 30mins more than I normally would.
2. Do 1 thing a day that scares me – this does not have to be an earth shattering scary thing, just one thing where that little voice in my head goes “Don't do it, to risky” and I ignore that silly little voice and do it anyways.
3. Finishing reading and complete all the exercises for “Smart Cookies: Guide to Making more Dough”
4. Loose 6 lbs.
5. Continue to practice gumption

Things That Make Me Smile....

Having almost finally regained my full strength back from the stomach flu I decided to write about things that make my smile. When down and out for a few days, shut out from the world it's easy to start to feel sorry for yourself. I think, more often than not, in life we tend to mostly focus on those things or situations that are not going as planned, panning out the way you thought or we just flat out don't have. I know that I was defiantly sitting in this spot at one point this past week The one thing that pulled me out was a song that I hadn't heard in a really long time, but thanks to iTunes shuffle button got a turn and it made me smile, made my heart smile. Got me to think about all that different things that make me smile and completely changed my mood. So I challenge you to make a list of things that make you smile and have it handy so that when you're having a dark day you can whip out the ol' list and brighten the day! Here is a few of mine...

1. Flowers: particularly Gerber Daisies and Lilies, my two favorites. I understand why people give flowers, because their natural beauty and sweet smells just bring an automatic smile to your face.

2. A really yummy cup of coffee: Nothing tops that morning that you get all to yourself, when you can make a really yummy cup, curl up on the couch with a blanket and read a book while enjoying the deliciousness that is coffee!

3. Laughing babies: especially those with the laugh that comes from the belly. Makes my heart smile, because it is the genuine laughter that hasn't been tainted or harmed by the world. It is the kind of laughter filled with nothing but pure joy and love.

4. One of my favorite songs: This song reminds me of my Grandpa Gill. Every summer we would go visit my grandparents. He would take us to see the Eagle that lived down the lane, to the park to play and I remember dancing with him one summer night to this song. I stood on his feet and he held my hands and I can remember my heart smiling with love.

Two Loves combined! Pink and shoes!

5. Pink: the color conveys tenderness and playfulness and you can't help but smile when you think about the color because it is cheerful and reminds you off all things sweet. Also, happens to be my favorite color.

My list could go one, but remember to let your heart smile at least once a day :)

Down With the Sickness....

Down and out with the stomach flu for several days nows and let me tell ya'll something, AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.

Thankful for today where I was actually able to stay awake for more than 45 minutes and hold solid food down, I was very disappointed in one thing....daytime television. I dislike calling into work sick, but it beats having your boss peal you off the receiving room floor, which happened the day before because I didn't listen to my body and stay home from work. So this morning, I'm home sick from work, able to sit upright for a solid 2 hours at a time I'm excited to catch up on those soap operas I know and LOVED in high school. Well, about 25 minutes in it was hard to tell if my urge to hurl was from the stomach flu or watching the soap opera. Deciding to change the channel was an easy one, to my delight I discovered Ellen was on! YAY!!!! Yeah, not so much when I discovered her entire show was Justin Beiber, again the urge to change the channel was an easy one. Along my channel surfing journey Oprah who is airing her favorite all time soap opera couples....seriously. Needless to say I turned off the TV and took a nap, depressed at the lack of quality daytime television.

I woke up, had some Gatorade and due to some seriously aching hips took a short walk. What I discovered, no food in your system for 2.5 days leaves you only able to walk about 4 blocks, but the fresh air was awesome and made me realize something. I'm thankful for reality and shitty daytime television because real life is way cooler. The drama filled soap operas provided a great escape in high school, but seriously the fact that Nicholas and Sharon, Young & The Restless, are still trying to sort out their relationship over 10 years later, well that's just plain depressing. I delight in the fact that my journey in life has taught me that dealing with life head on is better than hiding behind a television show. Just to be clear though, Jersey Shore is still my guilty pleasure.

So it is with this that I say, I'm done with being sick. This stomach flu can kiss my behind because I'm not spending another day at home on the couch. Time for it to go elsewhere because I'm done!

Oh, and one more thing. I am a capable, competent, successful woman and the minute I get sick, the only thing I want is my Mumma, some things never change.

Finding Your Voice....

This is something I have been struggling with all week, finding my voice. For those of you following along on my journey with me, you'll notice this past week I didn't exactly keep to my blogging every second day minimum as previously outlined in my commitments. Here is why.....

For a long time the only voice I had was "I'm the ugly fat girl, please be my friend". Sounds harsh, yes, but we all have our own version of this going through our minds. Stuck in a world where I think and believe that who I really am is not enough and with this voice being my filter for everything I've allowed people into my life that treat me like garbage and have done things to compensate and protect myself.

Please note, I DO NOT want anyone to feel sorry for me, I'm not sharing this for sympathy I'm sharing this to both grow and maybe make a difference for someone else.

Like most, my elementary school and high school years were torturous. I had those "popular girls" that made fun of me, said mean things and so I spent those years just trying to survive, fit in and do my best to get people to like me. I was friends with people that treated me like garbage. I allowed myself to be a doormat just to have the appearance of having friends, never really letting anyone in. University got a little better, but it wasn't until I moved to Vancouver 7 years ago that the shift began for me and really gained momentum within the last 2 years and then jumped up and smacked me in the face over the last week.

Finding your voice, standing up for yourself, respecting yourself enough to not let anyone tell you how to feel requires gumption (funny how I happened to blog about that early last week), courage and determination. Those are 3 things that I've spoken about in this blog. Late last week I had an argument with someone where I communicated openly with the intent of honesty. I got fed up with not standing up for myself so when I finally did say something it came out of anger. This person then retaliated using my blog as ammunition and I shut down and didn't write.

I can look back and provide you with a long list of people that I'd call friends that I allowed to treat me like a doormat. I can also provide a list of guys I've dated that have treated me in a similar way, because when you discover a pattern like this it typically spreads into all areas of your life :). I can also see patterns of this through the jobs I've had as well.

Last week brought it all to the surface in a nice bubbly mess which I am now responsible to clean up and make decisions about, which I will. If there is one thing I am clear about it is that "Daring Too B Different" does not mean, doing it perfectly. It does not mean that I won't make mistakes. It does not mean that it will happen overnight. It also, doesn't mean that this "I'm the ugly fat girl" voice will go away. It does mean that I now have the opportunity to grow, stand up for myself and practice gumption, courage and determination.

This blog is me finding my voice in all its bubbly messes, working through them and growing. It's about loving and respecting myself no matter what someone else's opinion is. It's about surrounding myself with people that love and appreciate me as much as I appreciate and love them. It's about not letting another human control how you feel about yourself.

My Top Ten Guilty Pleasures...

Decided to do post that would be a lot more fun to read!


So, no particular order...


1. Cross-stitching. This is mostly because my brain is going a THOUSAND miles a minute during a majority of my waking hours and I discovered that I can turn it off by doing cross-stitch because the only thing you can do what doing that is count the number of stitches. Don't care if this make me seem like I am 80 year's old, I LOVE IT.

2. Harlequin Romance Novels. I swear this stems from being a hopeless romantic. Those novels in no way shape or form depict reality but they do keep alive a slightly more rugged dirty version of Disney's Prince Charming, because let's face it ladies if our guy is riding a horse, we want a five o'clock shadow and a nice pair of chaps that perfectly shape....ok not going to continue down this train of thought.


3. www.people.com. Specifically the "Who Wore It Best" section where you get to vote on who wore the dress better. This needs no more explanation :) I'm a girl we'll leave it at that. 

4. Heckling. particularly Canuck fans. nuff said. 


5. John Hughes Movies. There is seriously nothing better than curling up on the couch and watching Pretty In Pink, Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, seriously the list could go on forever. 


6. Rockin' Out. There is no better feeling that dancing around your home giving it everything you got. Kinda like in that episode of "Friends" where Phoebe goes running with Rachel. Now, I'm not talking about the kind of dancing you do at the club to impress the boys. I'm talkin about the kind dancing that usually happens in your underwear, jumping around, arms flailing.... you get the point. 

7. Flannel Pajama's. These things are in no way attractive, but by golly they are COMFY, cozy and usually last a lot longer and stick around a lot longer than any man! NO offence to all the men out there :) 


8. Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. These are those gourmet jelly beans that come in a million different flavors. To be honest, I could live without the "butter popcorn" flavor, but I like to go rogue and stick a bunch in my mouth at the same time and come up with my own new names or I will match them up two at a time.


9. Make-Up. See blog post entitled Obsession: Make-Up, that explains it all :) 


Last, but certainly not least....

10. Jersey Shore. It all started with the Hills, thanks to a guy that used to sit across from me in the office. We'd talk about Spencer, Heidi, Lauren, Brody.... OK you get the point, so my guilty pleasure since The Hills is no longer on TV....it's official I am A "Shore Whore". It's like a bad traffic accident, you can't not look. You try to look away, but then J Wow rips someone's head off or t-shirt time commences and you're trapped! 








Enjoy!