Finding Your Voice....

This is something I have been struggling with all week, finding my voice. For those of you following along on my journey with me, you'll notice this past week I didn't exactly keep to my blogging every second day minimum as previously outlined in my commitments. Here is why.....

For a long time the only voice I had was "I'm the ugly fat girl, please be my friend". Sounds harsh, yes, but we all have our own version of this going through our minds. Stuck in a world where I think and believe that who I really am is not enough and with this voice being my filter for everything I've allowed people into my life that treat me like garbage and have done things to compensate and protect myself.

Please note, I DO NOT want anyone to feel sorry for me, I'm not sharing this for sympathy I'm sharing this to both grow and maybe make a difference for someone else.

Like most, my elementary school and high school years were torturous. I had those "popular girls" that made fun of me, said mean things and so I spent those years just trying to survive, fit in and do my best to get people to like me. I was friends with people that treated me like garbage. I allowed myself to be a doormat just to have the appearance of having friends, never really letting anyone in. University got a little better, but it wasn't until I moved to Vancouver 7 years ago that the shift began for me and really gained momentum within the last 2 years and then jumped up and smacked me in the face over the last week.

Finding your voice, standing up for yourself, respecting yourself enough to not let anyone tell you how to feel requires gumption (funny how I happened to blog about that early last week), courage and determination. Those are 3 things that I've spoken about in this blog. Late last week I had an argument with someone where I communicated openly with the intent of honesty. I got fed up with not standing up for myself so when I finally did say something it came out of anger. This person then retaliated using my blog as ammunition and I shut down and didn't write.

I can look back and provide you with a long list of people that I'd call friends that I allowed to treat me like a doormat. I can also provide a list of guys I've dated that have treated me in a similar way, because when you discover a pattern like this it typically spreads into all areas of your life :). I can also see patterns of this through the jobs I've had as well.

Last week brought it all to the surface in a nice bubbly mess which I am now responsible to clean up and make decisions about, which I will. If there is one thing I am clear about it is that "Daring Too B Different" does not mean, doing it perfectly. It does not mean that I won't make mistakes. It does not mean that it will happen overnight. It also, doesn't mean that this "I'm the ugly fat girl" voice will go away. It does mean that I now have the opportunity to grow, stand up for myself and practice gumption, courage and determination.

This blog is me finding my voice in all its bubbly messes, working through them and growing. It's about loving and respecting myself no matter what someone else's opinion is. It's about surrounding myself with people that love and appreciate me as much as I appreciate and love them. It's about not letting another human control how you feel about yourself.