Drop Dead Diva Project...

This project was born from my breakthrough in a previous post Beliefs and in conjunction with the love of one of my FAVORITE TV shows, Lifetime’s Drop Dead Diva (click here for show website). This  show “tells the story of a shallow wannabe model (Deb) who dies in a sudden accident only to find her soul resurfacing in the body of a brilliant, plus-size and recently deceased attorney, Jane.  Outraged by her sudden demise, she attempts to persuade Fred to return her to her shallow existence but is accidentally relegated to the body of the recently deceased Jane Bingum (Brooke Elliott). An intelligent, thoughtful and plus-size attorney with a loyal assistant, Teri (Margaret Cho), Jane has always lived in the shadow of her colleagues, whereas Deb has always relied on her external beauty. By a twist of fate and a bolt of divine intervention, Deb must come to terms with inhabiting Jane’s curvier frame and learn to reconcile her beauty-queen ways with her brilliant new mind.”   (about the show). The grace, strength, poise and courage that the character, Jane/Deb, faces the world with each day is inspiring and the belief she has in herself is unbreakable. This is what I want every woman, including myself, to feel each and every day.

To be a “Drop Dead Diva” you must have the desire and will to love yourself no matter what and to take your inner Diva that lives inside all of us and let her out. I call mine my “Blooming Diva”, she’s been looking to get out for quite some time and so out she shall come.  I was told once, or read somewhere, that your outside physical appearance doesn’t always match how you feel on the inside once you remove all the worries, insecurities and concerns about what people think. This year that is what I have done, gone to work on removing all those inner insecurities, worries and concerns about what people think about me. So my inner diva is looking to bloom and turn my outer appearance into the beautiful butterfly that I am on the inside. Now, before ya’ll go and get in an uproar, I am in no way saying that I’m not already a pretty lil butterfly, I am talking about a healthy, fit butterfly. I’ve been sharing this with some of my friends and they’ve jumped down my throat about me already being a beautiful butterfly, so I’m just clarifying! Wow, that is a whole lot of butterfly talk in one paragraph!

As of last Friday I’ve signed on with a very dear friend, Karyn, to be part of a 90 day challenge. I’m giving myself 90 days to prove to myself that I have what it takes to let out my “Blooming Diva”. Let’s call it the 

Drop Dead Diva Project 90 Day Kick Off Party!!!

This party kicks off Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest, as there are a couple peeps that have joined this challenge.  What I want out of the next 90 days? I am out to prove to myself that I CAN DO THIS. I have a nasty habit of not believing in myself that I am out to destroy and I’m using the next 90 days and the support of my friends and family to do this.

My invitation: Come along on the next 90 days. Take one area of your life that you have not been letting your inner Diva out to play. Plot the actions, take the steps and let the b*tch out! 

Update!

Well it is officially the first day of the last month of the 2011. I can’t help but be a little reflective, a little disappointed, yet at the same time optimistic and looking forward to the next month and 2012.

The disappointment comes from not really having accomplished much on my list of goals that I set out for this year, but the optimism comes from all the changes that I have had and continue to have these last 11 months. I’ve had a couple friends say to me recently that I’m not the same person I was at the start of the year, that I have a “glow” about me and a smile frequents my face a majority of the day. Now don’t go over analyzing the “glow” comment, I’m not pregnant and I ain’t using any miracle creams I promise ;) I believe that the glow comes from a level of genuine happiness that seems to have crept into my life.  I’m more confident in certain areas of my life and feel like I’m genuinely blessed to have all that I have. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am dead smack in the middle of one of the most uncomfortable times in my life. All my old ways of dealing with situations and things are going bankrupt and I haven’t quite navigated the waters of confidence and power, but I’m getting there.

I don’t know where I would be at in this journey this year if it wasn’t for my friends and family. Although there have been a lot of changes I’m grateful for each and every one of them.  I’m also grateful for the new friends and potential family members that have come into my life this year, and the great things that I will learn from them and them from me.

I was pretty stuck in my ways at the beginning of the year and although I didn’t accomplish all that I wanted, I’m happy about what I have accomplished and how I have grown. Normally I would be beating myself with a mental bat for not accomplishing what I outlined, but right now I see the gaps of why some of them didn’t happen and the structures I’m putting in to support the success of those goals next year.

Don’t worry, Drop Dead Diva Project post is coming! I know I said it would be the next post, but I couldn’t help but post this first J

Beliefs...

Rattlesnake Point, Vernon B.C.

I sat down to write a post, not 100% certain about what exactly. I swore that I would not write a blog post if I felt that I was constantly complaining about the same things, never taking action, blah, blah, blah. Then I realized that growing requires getting uncomfortable and continuously peeling the onion. I have yet again peeled another layer of my onion that is my weight loss journey...

There have been a lot of “beliefs” that I have regarded as cold hard facts…truths, if you will, that are all of a sudden being presented to me as false.  As human we develop these beliefs out of decisions we make in a split second from events in our lives. For most, you don’t question them, for me, I’m like a pit-bull looking for blood when it comes to personal development, so here it goes.

False Belief #1: In my world I have to lose a ton of weight before I can find love. I had to lose weight before I could be in a relationship, get married, have babies etc… Although, yes, I saw plus size girls all the time, married with children, what always went through my head was “That is great for them, but for me I have to lose weight first.” Well this has been thrown out the window with me being in an amazing relationship, where he tells me, on a regular basis, how beautiful I am and how much he loves being with me.

False Belief #2: No one can love me as much as the boyfriend says he does, because I don’t even love myself that much. This one stung a little because its admitted that in the world of love, it wasn’t possible for me to love myself at this size, but don’t worry, when I lose weight I will very much love myself because I would be more acceptable and easy to love.  “That which you resist, persists” By not loving myself no matter what, the weight stays exactly where it is. Now, I ‘ve made strides in the area of loving myself since I started my journey earlier this year, but strides is no longer good enough. I can take the love that my boyfriend, my friends and my family give me and use it to train myself in the art of loving myself. Your partner, friends and family love you unconditionally and since we all know that I haven’t been very good at it, why not look at myself through someone else’s eyes and love what they love, see what they see…

False Belief #3: I’m screwed. I developed this belief when the popular gym teacher told me I wasn’t going to be able to participate in an exercise because of my size and the entire class looked at me. I decided that it didn’t matter how hard I tired I was screwed because if the popular gym teacher said so, then it must be true. I was overweight, but not to terrible at this point in high school and with the help of my mother had been trying really hard to lose the excess weight. I’m screwed became the perfect excuse to give up.

Closely in behind I’m screwed, is I have to be perfect at everything. I’ve held the belief, since elementary school, that if I wasn’t going to be able to do something perfectly, don’t bother doing it at all.  This has crept in and out of previous blog posts, but I’m calling it out now. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, kind of like beauty. You are the only person that dictates what perfect is, because perfect to me is different than what is perfect to you.  What I’ve discovered is that perfect doesn’t matter, it’s trying that counts. I’m reminded of what someone said to me once “I don’t care that you’ve tried 1000 times Nicole, try 1001, 2000, 4000 if that’s what it takes, just try”.

So, with these beliefs now turning up bunk what am I left with? Well for the first time in a long time I have a little bit more faith in myself and it’s time to have a little fun and give a whole lotta love my way. From this, the Drop Dead Diva Project has been born, stay tuned for the next post…

Your Heart...

Sometimes giving your heart to another is one of the scariest things you can do in life. It means opening yourself up to a world of potential hurt and heartbreak.

As most of you know I have entered into a relationship that I have dreamed about for a really long time and I thought that everything was perfect. I placed my heart into the hands of a man that I have loved since I was 14 years old. When you place your heart in someone else’s hands you hope and pray that they take care of it the way that you will take care of theirs, assuming they’ve done the same. You want them to cherish it, love it, nurture it and put their life on the line to ensure that it doesn’t get broken.

This week it feels as if mine is being tossed up in the air for a game of catch. It’s like I'm watching a baseball pitcher, standing on his pitcher’s mound, tossing the ball up in the air and catching it with his glove, but not looking at the ball, he’s looking at his teammate over his right shoulder.  I watched as events unfolded and conversations were had that made me want to jank my heart away from this person with such freight that I remember saying to myself at one point “I’m never going to give this thing away again”.

Then thanks to a quote posted on a friend’s Facebook, I remembered, you have to love someone with everything that you have, every fibre of your body. Holding back this love doesn’t serve any purpose. There is a line in a quote that reads “love like it will never hurt”. If you‘ve ever been through what I’ve described above you know what I’m talking about. Loving like it will never hurt takes something deep from within your soul. You have to give up all protection mechanisms that we develop as humans over the years. IT’S SCARY! But when you stop and think about what not doing this gets you….do you want a life of “what if’s” and regrets, or do you want to arrive at the pearly white gates with scrapes on your knees and mud in your hair saying “Sweet ride!” 

Miss Independent...

I’ve made sure that for most of my life I have been pretty self-sufficient. I have made sure that I don’t really allow myself to rely on anyone for anything.  I’ve never really shared my space, my brain, but most of all my heart with someone wholly and completely.  Now, most of this was done out of protection, can’t get hurt when you don’t let anyone in, life seemed easier that way. However, I then went and wrote a blog post that has a really great guy standing at the door, pounding on the door wanting to come in. Come into my heart, my mind and my soul.

He was here visiting for a week and let me tell you the lesson I learnt in just how alone I’ve made myself was astounding. He did the sweetest things…. made sure my slippers were right outside the bathroom door whenever I had a shower so that when I got out my toes didn’t get cold, cover me up with a blanket on the couch when I fell asleep after work, make the bed in the morning, watered the plants, did the dishes, cleaned all the cobwebs off my patio or killed anything that remotely resembled a spider, because I’m deathly afraid of spiders.  He helped make dinner every night, helped with laundry, came to work with me and painted my fitting rooms on his holiday, because I’d told him it needed to be done. The list could go on.

For the first couple days I was beyond stubborn and kept saying “I can do it, don’t worry.” I was determined to show him that I was an independent lady! Then after  the hundredth time of me saying that sentence he took my hand, looked at me and said “I know you can do it, but I want to help you, so let me” I took a deep breath and for the first time in what feels like ever, let someone help me. I’m used to having men in my life that only want something, they never want to give anything, just take, so to have this guy standing in front of me wanting to contribute to my life in a positive way reduced me to tears.

I’m sitting here today, he’s been gone less than 24 hours and I have stopped several times today and watched the little voice saying “alone and independent  again” temporarily take over. I really am lookin to punt that voice off a cliff, but all I’m going to do is stuff it with a little faith and a whole lot of love.

There is being independent and then there is plain ol’ shutting people out so you don’t get hurt and I’m now carving out the path for myself that let’s this really great guy in, but also lets me keep my independent spirit, any tips would be helpful ;)

Insecurities...

Have you ever looked at a friend, loved one, or co-worker and this, what at first appears to be an innocent, thought pops into your head? Maybe sounding something like “Hmmm that’s new, they’ve never done that before” or “Why did he say that?” or “He always says he loves me before he leaves and he didn’t say it this time”, some version of one of those, and then it happens again so the wheels in your head start turning and you start making it mean “They are out to get me” or “He’s doesn’t want to be with me anymore” or “ They’re making me look bad”. Before you know it you’ve gone on an evidence gathering mission and without even talking to them, have plotted revenge, been a complete b*tch, or ended things with them before you in fact have the truth and have even spoken to them about it?

As human being this is something we do, insecurities run rapid and can take over before you even know it. This has been me for the last 24 hours, as a girl I’m just throwing it out there, but I think we’re prone to more of these “fits of insecurities” than men are, mostly because we are the more emotional one’s than our male counterparts.

So if you’ve read the blog post A Gift (if not click here), I am delighted to report that said boy has read the post and re-entered into my life into a really big way. It is both beyond exciting and at the same time, terrifying!  We’ve spoken everyday on the phone and spent the rest of the day usually chatting via BBM when not working. We’ve both been through a lot in life and are getting to know one another again and to say my heart is full would be an understatement. What I’d forgotten happens though is that when you put your heart out there, you are trusting another with it and at times your mind goes into to “protect” mode. Another label for this is “fit of insecurities”, which start popping up all over the place. I got stuck in one last night because of something I saw on Facebook. Oh, how you gotta love social media and what it’s done to the world and relationships.

Soon to be added to my left wrist

I woke up this morning and I am sipping my coffee, swollen eyes from lack of sleep and realized that all this needs is a little bit of faith; faith in him, faith in what we’re discovering and most of all faith in myself.  Sometimes we just need a little reminder and a little clarity about what faith is, so here is mine….

Not Worth It...

Grade 6, Harwood Elementary during a dance at lunch time; I’m wearing this floral jumper (thank you mother) and I’m standing at the edge of the gym. One of the “popular” boys walks over to me and asks me to dance. To say I was over the moon would be an understatement, I was so excited and there was nothing that could ruin that experience for me, well almost nothing. I finish dancing with this boy and walked back over to the side of the gym and over walks one of the “popular” girls and she says “I had to pay him to do that because you’re too ugly, he never would have done it if I didn’t.”  In that moment the only thought that went through my head was “I’m not worth it.” 

I can remember from that point on really starting to put on weight, since I knew the kids thought I wasn’t worth it, I was going to prove to the teachers I was, so I would help out in the office at lunch answering phones. I would help out in Kindergarten classes before and after school and for the most part I started to get along really well with adults, but not really with kids my age.  I could spend hours outlining how this background theme music has played out in my life, as mentioned in my previous post, tears have been shed and I was left feeling exposed and naked to a certain extent. Now, I know we all have events like this in our lives that have shaped how our lives have played out. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with my life, because I’m blessed in soooooo many ways and have people and experiences that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Bottom line, this background theme music no longer serves the game I’m out to play in life.

“I’m not worth it” is not something that I can just hit the stop button on and have it be done. It is as engrained in me as breathing. Even since making this discovery on Sunday I’ve caught myself doing things with that music playing. The goal, or my focus, is to hit the pause button as often as I can, hit stop on occasion, but I know there will always be times that this background music will play. I just want to shrink the length of time it plays and the frequency with which it plays. I am no longer willing to have my self-worth be defined by that incident in elementary school. The “popular” kids were doing what they thought they had to do to get through high school. I’m not condoning their behavior, as I’m certain some would label it a form of bullying, but it will no longer control what music plays in the background of my life.

As someone that is a LOVER of really great music, there are too many great songs that could play instead. So, what tune do you need to change? 

Update Time….

It’s been a little while since I’ve done an update…mostly because I’ve been avoiding writing to you all, but thanks to 2 “soldiers of greatness” that I’m blessed to have in my life, avoidance is slowly no longer becoming a valid option. If there is one thing in my life that I’ve never been very good at it has been embracing my humanity and that I do, not and probably never will, do things perfectly. I’m not very good at “cutting myself some slack”.  I inevitably set the bar so high that an Olympic athlete couldn’t achieve it and when I don’t I treat myself like garbage. Expectations are something that we all set and sometimes we are really great at communicating them, but most of the time we don’t. When someone fails to meet those that we set, we go about punishing them for not meeting those expectations; I do this with myself in a highly self-destructive way.

Now, I believe that personal growth and development is never over, it’s kind of like an onion; each step you take is like peeling back the layer of one. Like humans, onions are made up of many, many layers and you could spend lots of time slowly peeling back these layers. There are people in this world that don’t care about the state of their onion and there are people that read books to think about peeling their onion. There are even people that go to therapy to have someone do the peeling for them, then there are the people, like me, that do the best I can to rip the layers of the onion off and sometimes, like Sunday, a whole chunk gets removed and you feel naked and vulnerable, like you’re not entirely certain how you’re going to deal with feeling so exposed.

Some of you may remember that a little while back I did a blog post about this recurring sentence that was always going through my head, “I’m fat and ugly, please be my friend”. Well, thanks to my “soldiers of greatness” I have peeled back another layer of that and discovered what’s really there is “I’m not worth it.” So, for the last couple days I’ve been sitting with the impact of this discovery on my life. I traced it all the way back to the exact moment that I first said that to myself and from that point forward I can see how my life has played out with this running as my background theme music. This has been the source of some, ok a lot, of tears over the last couple days, but today I feel a sense of relief. There were points today where I heard that L’Oreal commercial slogan “You’re worth it” running through my head and it’s made me giggle. I will talk more about this in my next blog post. So with that…

I’ve not being doing what I said I was going to do around a lot of goals I outlined at the beginning of the year (insert goals blog post). For this, I’m sorry. Some you readers have sent emails asking me what’s going on, so I apologize, this post is officially confirmation that I am back on the wagon!

This week (yes, I know it’s Wednesday, but so far I’m on track)…

1. 3 blog posts

2.  A minimum of 30 mins of exercise 6/7 days. Yoga, additional walking & gym visits have been the theme so far this week, so we’ll continue with those

3.  Research and narrow down volunteer opportunities that I want to take on. Specifically around elderly people, because I love their wisdom and spending time with them. I miss giving back.

4.  Reading, 30 mins a day – have some books I’ve been avoiding.

5.   Facing the music, no matter what, at my weigh in this week at Weight Watchers.

6.  Practicing and repeating to myself however many times is necessary “I’m worth it”

A Gift...

This is going to be one of those posts where it’s about something I feel I need to write, but not really certain how it’s going to turn out. In addition to that, it also scares the crap out of me and every fiber of my being is screaming to not write it, so away we go…

Have you ever loved someone so much that you swore if they were ever not in your life, you may not be able to breathe, or you may not be able to find the will to live? I have and if there is one thing that I can say is, you will. You will learn to breathe without them and your life will go on because you’ll know that the love you felt for this person has changed who you were at your core.

I have loved a boy since high school and he is an incredibly special boy, no not rides the short bus special.  This boy has no idea how special, talent and amazing he truly is. Mostly it’s because he was the first, and so far only, boy that I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt I loved and he is the one that taught me how to love another with no conditions and no expectations. To say that I took this for granted and was an idiot with this love would be an understatement. I didn’t appreciate or respect it because I didn’t understand it at the time, it wouldn’t be until years later that I realized what I felt for him.

I think that once you love someone to your core, it changes the very fiber of your being and you are never the same person. Love has the ability to make you a better person, gives you this uncanny ability to be able to apologize to them when you’re wrong and most of all, it provides you with the ability to forgive. Forgiveness is not something that has come very easily for me. Like most people I’ve put myself through and have been put through many events in my life that have required forgiveness and for the most part I’ve withheld it, until now.  It is because of love that I feel that I am now able to begin to forgive and where that is going to start is with me.  Loving myself enough to forgive myself for my mistakes and to treat myself with more respect and honor that previously wasn’t there because I wasn’t open to love.

So, to this boy, I say thank you. Thank you for teaching me about love, how to love and most of all for being a part of my life. Weather you know it or not, I love you and am thankful and grateful for the lesson you taught me.  I hope one day to be able to return the gift you’ve given me. 

Mistakes...

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. ~George Bernard Shaw~

To make mistakes is as natural as breathing. I don’t think anyone can go through the day without making 1, 2, 3, 4, 500 mistakes.  I think that it is what you do with that mistake that makes the difference.

I will be the first to admit that I have made my fair share of mistakes in life; mistakes in my career, friendships, relationships, family, finances and most of all my health. Some of them….I would like to take back, but most of them I learnt some pretty valuable lessons from and those lessons have help form the woman that I am today and despite a few flaws,  happen to think has the potential to be pretty fantastic as soon as I get out of my own way.

Where I think the hook is, is applying those lessons on an ongoing basis and trying your hardest not to make the same mistakes over and over again. This is where I think I would get a failing grade. I say I want to be in a relationship, but then I turn around and am settling for, well let’s just say someone that is less than my dream guy. Creating bad karma for any future relationship is not how I care to move forward in life. I say I want to be healthy and I’ve done nothing but turn my back on my weight loss goals, with some pretty valid excuses, but they are just that excuses. Just like mistakes, they are just mistakes and at each moment you and I have a choice to correct, fix, and/or apologize for those mistakes that are negatively impacting our life.

Happiness and moving forward is a choice. It’s a choice you have to make every day and during a particularly difficult time, sometimes you have to choose happiness every moment. I’ve been in, what feels like, a backwards slide for about 3 weeks and have felt like just giving up, throwing in the towel, but is that really worth it? My mistakes, they are just that, mine and its because their mine that I get to say how, and for how long they will impact my life. Pull the lesson from them, move on and let them be.

I either read this somewhere or someone said it to me, regardless….

“Life is like driving, sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s painful and sometimes you hit a speed bump that bottoms you out, but don’t get stuck on the speed bump too long because you’ll miss out on the journey to your destination and the great scenery along the way.” 

My Old BFF...

Since I wrote my blog post about my Little Red Worry Wagon, it’s the first time, in a few months, that I`ve felt like I have taken a sizeable step forward which has been anything  but easy. My favorite sentence has become ``put down the handle to the wagon Nicole, you picked it up, not put it down.`` What this has also opened up is me noticing the situations in which I pick up the handle, or what`s going through my head when I realize I`ve been holding the handle for a few hours, or a whole day.  What`s that old saying about how long it takes to break a habit and form a new one….21 repetitions?

So I’ve been reading this book called “The Power”, it is by the same lovely lady that wrote “The Secret”.  I have been moving through this book slowly, and by doing so it has been like being repeatedly hit over the head with a baseball bat, golf club or hockey stick, pick your weapon of choice. It has, however, forced me to acknowledge the extent that I go to bed every night, wake up every morning with, cuddle with, brush my teeth with, and make out with my BFF Negativity.

It’s funny, if you’d asked me if I consider myself to be a negative person I would probably tell you no, that I consider myself to be a fairly optimistic/glass half full type girl. Turns out, not so much! What I have noticed is that my relationship with negativity runs deeper than that. It is almost an ingrained belief in myself that is as natural as putting on mascara or brushing my teeth.  Little things happen and I have a reaction to it which I’ve noticed starts this whole circle/cycle of negativity and if there is one thing that this book is hammering home it is that, what you give out comes back.  So in conjunction with putting down the handle to my little red wagon I’ve taken on letting go of negativity.

Now I’m not saying that I’m going to be one of those chipper, happy perky people that’s not what I’m talking about, if you’ve met me, you’d know that sarcasm is my other BFF and it’s a part of my charm and humor. What I’m talking about working on is those, what at times, seem automatic opinions and judgements. For example, I see a girl sitting on a bus and she’s got on this cute dress. I say to myself “cute dress wish I could wear something like that” and then proceed to roll through the list of reasons why I can’t in my head and before I know it I have belittled myself to a tiny pea. It’s that automatic response that I’ve gone to work on. I’m stopping now at “Wow, that’s a cute dress”. I’m giving out compliments and gratitude and taking that bat that I’ve been hitting myself with and hitting the negativity balls out of the park. Ok, just realized that I need to work on my sports metaphors.

If the universe gives back what you give out, there is no way that I want negativity back, so I’m gonna stop giving it out. If what I want in life is love, faith, gratitude and beauty for everyone, then that is what I have to give out.

FYI – if you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend it

A Few of My Favorites...

I spend a lot of time focusing on where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm being that sometimes I forget to look up and enjoy what is right in front of me, so I decided to take a side step and share with you all a few of my favorite things! It's similar to my Things That Make Me Smile post, but as I've said before sometimes you need to stop and focus on the little things to appreciate the big things when they happen!

Favorite......

Color: Hmmmm this one is probably a given, if not look at the main color of my blog! I have friends that cringe when I wear my favorite color, and my staff at work won't let me buy anything that is my favorite color! I don't care though. Pink is a very tender, soothing and happy color!

Flower: I love the playfulness of Gerber Daisies and the elegance of Lilies

Moment: The feeling after you finish this really amazing workout where you know you left your insides in the gym!

Way to spend a free afternoon: With someone I love! Now, this doesn't necessarily mean a man, however not completely discounted, it does mean someone that means the world to me.... friends, family, or simply a yummy cup of coffee :)

Book: Romeo & Juliet (this would probably be my favorite movie as well, but I have yet to find a really great version, so alas my second favorite book is my favorite movie :)

Movie: Pride & Prejudice

Song: Blueberry Hill - Louis Armstrong. Yes, I know Fats Domino was the original singer, but I love Louis' version better, sorry Fats!

Food: I would be happy if the only thing I had left to eat for the rest of my life was fruit. I love all kinds of fruit! Pineapple, Kiwi, Strawberries, Banana's, Grapes, the list goes on and on!

Sound: Music. Note the period after the word. I love all types, styles and kinds of music. One of my biggest fears is losing my hearing and the ability to hear the amazing melodies and sounds that the musical geniuses come out with.

Brand of Make-Up: Well as most of you know I'm a little bit of a make-up junkie but I don't know if I'd say if I have a favorite make-up brand. There are definalty a lot of REALLY great brands out there, some expensive and some inexpensive. I would say that if it has great color payoff, lasting power, doesn't make me break out and they don't test on animals, they are a favorite. What I'm not a fan of though, is charging through the nose for a tube of lip gloss or eye-shadow, come on, seriously, $28 for a tube of lip gloss?

Animal: Mountain Gorilla. I'm not sure why, but I have always been in love with this animal. Growing up I wanted to follow in the foot steps of Dian Fossey and to this day not really sure why I didn't...hmmm....

And then here are a few things that don't fall under any specific category, but for some reason I feel the need to include them...

1. Dancing around my apartment to music, channeling Tom Cruise from Risky Business!
2. Hugging my Mumma, my Grams or my nieces
3. Curling up with a really, really great book
4. Having a really wicked conversation with someone new

What are some of your favorite things?

My Little Red Wagon...

So I’ve been on vacation for exactly 6 days now. I’ve spent time with my nieces, went for a hike, enjoyed the sun and for 80% of the time enjoying my time off, but there is that leftover 20% that has been sitting right behind me every time that I turn around, I call it my Little Red Worry Wagon. I believe that most people have one of these little red wagons and that some have a fuller wagon while the person next to them may not be pulling their wagon at all because they’ve been blessed with, what I like to call, the “free spirit gene”. I believe that the contents of your wagon changes when you get married, have kids, or maybe even make a big change in your life that we aren’t 100% certain about. But, none the less there you are pulling your little red wagon, cursing the free spirit next to you, all the while wishing, hoping and maybe even prayer that one day soon you’ll be able to leave your little red worry wagon at home.  

Over the last few weeks, ok well if I’m honest, few months, I feel as if my little red worry wagon has been controlling my life to a certain degree. It has defiantly been dictating the amount of sleep I get, wether I eat or not because there have been times over the last few months that I feel as if my little red wagon has turned into a big ol’ flatbed truck.  I worry about my health, I worry about my job, my Mumma, my brother, my nieces, my Father, my Grandma, money, friends, you name it  I probably have it packed on my flatbed . Now yes, I have done lots of reading, self-improvement work and intellectually I know that worrying about things only gets me more worry and that I should focus on the things that I can control and forget about the things that I can’t control. For some reason though, that doesn’t seem to help because emotionally it’s all I know how to do, worry.  

The point I’ve gotten to, is that I’m tired. I’m tired of always worrying, wondering, thinking, but most of all I’m tired of pulling my little red wagon. I don’t want to pull it anymore, or I only want to pull it when it is really necessary. I want to channel and uncover my free spirit gene. I believe that all of us have that in us and it’s just a matter of finding it and putting it to use.  Worrying about things can drive a person insane, trust me there have been a couple times over the last month that I thought for certain I either needed to be medicated or put in a white jacket and forced to hug myself till the men in lab coats told me I was ok to interact with the public.

What I’m getting though is that it is a choice; everything in life is a choice.  I choose each day to pick up the handle of my wagon and pull it around. So, if I choose to pick up the handle and pull the wagon then I can also choose to put the handle down and not pull the wagon.  I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason and all you have to do is be open and take life as it comes, good, bad, ugly, pretty and all the stuff in between.

So for right now, I’m putting down the handle to my little red wagon and I encourage you to do the same and although you may pick it back up in a minute or a day don’t worry about it, just remember you choose to pick up the handle so you can choose to put it down.  

Friends...

“True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost” ~unknown~    

So the last couple weeks have been a bit rough. There has been a lot going on at work, both emotions and stress levels have been running extremely high and I probably wouldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for some very dear friends in my life, which got me to thinking about friends and friendships.

I have defiantly made my fair share of mistakes in friendships, but to me a true mark of a friend is one that walks in when it feels like the rest of the world is walking out. Over the last 3 weeks I really became grateful for the friends that I have in my life. The ones that our relationship is a two way street. There are times where I'm taking and their giving and then there are times when I'm giving and they are taking. We provide each other with encouragement, support and don't hesitate to smack each other upside the head when the time calls for it.

In addition, I also noticed that those people whom I thought would be there through thick and thin, aren't and that's ok. I have finally realized that friendship are not a one way street I can't be the one always calling to make brunch, lunch or shopping dates. I can't be the one that is putting in all the effort. Now, yes I understand that people have busy lives, but even in my busy life I make time to text those near and dear to my heart or a short pick up the phone and say hello and they do the same.

There are people in my life that have made me who I am today. I had dinner and drinks with an old friend from my hometown and I realized that it didn't matter how long we'd been a part we still got up to some of the same old antics that we did when we were younger. She is one of those friends that changed my life. She taught me how to have fun, how to have confidence and how to believe that I had “it”.

I have a friend that no matter the day, time or situation she will listen. She forces me to be bigger than I know myself to be. She also doesn't put up with any of my excuses or reasons for not doing something. I can also call and tell her about the dumbest thing I've done and although she may call me an idiot she doesn't judge me because its the same from me to her. She's taught me not to listen to that little voice inside my head and she's been my cheerleader when I was ready to throw in the towel. She's been there through good, bad, great, ugly, messy, stupid and down right delusional (hey, I'm female we have those moments and anyone that says they don't is lying!)

Friends will come in and out of your life, but I truly believe that each one is intended to teach you a lesson and that although it may be sad when they go or the distance between you grows what you need to do is celebrate that it happened and take the lesson the two of you shared and carry that forward.

Life is not measure but the number of friends you have, it's measured by the person you are and the person you want to become and your friends play a part in that.

Obsession: Music

A pair of my favorite earrings

There are about 1 million and 3 things that I could talk about when it comes to this topic. The thought of just having to pick one seems a little depressing, so this may be part 1 of a series, we'll see...

Music has been and always will be a really large part of my life. Music has been there for me, when no one else was. To me music is that one friend you can always count on, because no matter what, all it takes is the push of a button to start a conversation with this friend.

Where did my obsession with music begin? My brother. He's always been big into music as well and there was always different types of music and different bands coming from the stereo in his room, growing up. Some of them I became instantly in love with and some of them I would put my own headphones on to drown out the god awful sound. We didn't always see eye to eye on musical tastes. I'm certain when I went through my New Kids on The Block phase or Backstreet Boys phase we was plotting ways to destroy my CD's so I would stop playing those songs over and over again. I like to think of those times as payback for the Metallica blaring out of his speakers, which I didn't grow to appreciate till much later in life.

Music has the power to bubble up a fountain of emotion from deep inside you. There is a song for every moment. Look at the movies, they rely on music to help you experience the moment, when sometimes the actors aren't doing a very good job at the acting part. Danger music when someone's being chased, light and romantic when 2 actors are falling in love, it all aids in the experience. Crazy, not really. If you were paying attention I bet you can remember the song that was playing in the background the first time that cute boy asked you out, first dance, first kiss, first time you fell in love, first break-up, and the first moment where you felt powerful beyond measure. I know I can remember most of those songs. I relied on music when the mean girls in school would not let up with the teasing. Music is there for me to help me remember my deceased Grandparents. Music is there when I've had a rough day and need to escape the world for a little while.

When you listen to music you are instantly taken to a different place. This place makes you want to cry, or scream, or, in my case, dance because I think we're all clear on my obsession with dancing. Just like dancing, music is a way of expressing yourself when you just can't seem to find the words.

Musical tastes are different for everyone, and I say, don't let anyone make fun of you for the band or singer that you love. They obviously strike a chord with you and if that music makes a difference for you, then listen to it! I have everything in my iTunes from death metal, to punk, to pop, to opera, to classical, and yes, even a little country. I have a playlist in my iTunes that are some of my favorites, these songs have been my favorites for as long as I can remember. They hold powerful memories for me and every time I listen to them I fall in love with them all over again. Here's a small little sampling, if you click on the song it will take you to a link in YouTube...

My Hero - Foo Fighters
Blueberry Hill - Louis Armstrong
Quiet In My Town - Civil Twilight
Beautiful Day- U2
Nightswimming - REM
Perfection Through Silence - Finch
Like a Prayer - Madonna
La Vie En Rose - Louis Armstrong
Non Believer - La Rocca
Cello Suite no.1 - Bach
Summertime - Will Smith
Here Comes a Regular - The Replacements

OK, this list could go on forever!

Like I said there is a ton I can talk about when it comes to this topic, but the only thing left in this moment for me to say is....Thank you. Thank you to the artists, musicians, producers, and technicians involved in making the music. You make the music that makes a difference for someone and to me, that's a pretty big deal, so thanks.

Losing Your Way....

Been in a little bit of a cave as of late, but thanks to a truthful conversation with an important somebody in my life I'm peaking my head out. I started this journey knowing that my M.O and pattern is to bail, punk out and I've done that several times along the way. This time has been particularly interesting. The universe came knocking pretty loud yesterday and as I was channel surfing, I stopped on one of those CW TV shows and in grand universe fashion here's what was said...

"and Hansel said to Gretel " Let us drop those bread crumbs so that together we find out way home, because losing our way would be the most cruelest of things." This year I lost my way. Losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted 8 month, sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn't me who had arrived, it wasn't me at all. Once you loose yourself you have two choices - find the person you used to be or loose that person completely, because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you are meant to be, the person you want to be, the person you are. " 


Do I have what it takes? do I have it inside of me to give everything I have to turn my life into what I want it to be and be the person I was meant to be? 

The Question At Hand....

I used to think that making decisions and choices was simply. As humans we do it everyday, almost every moment. Do I want drip coffee or a latte? Do I want to wear those shoes with this outfit or those ones? Do I want to answer this phone call or don't I? Do I want to take this great job offer or don't I? Do I want to go on this date or not? My filter for making the tough decisions has always been "Will my decision make this person happy, mad or sad?" and "What's the easiest way to not have this person be upset with me?" or "What's the easiest most simply choice that will provide the least amount of effort?"

I've been fighting this wicked headache all day, and I'm not someone that get's headaches. As I type this blog post working through this subject, weighing on my mind, my headache is subsiding. So my question is this. When do we stop making decisions and choices based on what will make other's happy and start making them based on what's best for me and my life and when you start doing this, what is the cost?"

Discipline

So I'm gonna tell one on myself. This last bit has been a bit of a struggle. I've watched my weight hover at the 10lbs loss mark, not really taking the initiative to get it moving. Yesterday I was having a particularly difficult day, my back was super tense, stiff, and what I like to call "pinchy." So I decided to have one of my infamous conversations with myself to see WTF. I quickly zeroed in on one small fact about my life, which blew open one giant door and have been standing in this new doorway most of the day. What is this small fact you ask...

DISCIPLINE

When I think back, all the waaaay back, to growing up I don't ever really remember being disciplined, grounded, scolded.... OK there is this one time my brother and I were fighting at the grocery store and my mom made us walk home, but other than that I don't really recall. Now, you may be thinking " That's because you were a good child Nikki?" I laugh and will simply say, what my Mumma doesn't know won't hurt her. Mumma, if you're reading this, don't ask please. Growing up I never really did my homework, or left it till the very last moment and was given whatever I asked for 75% of the time. Don't get me wrong I have really great parents, that did the best they knew how and I'm totally thankful for that, but clearly didn't learn about discipline, so I took to the internet to do a little reading on the subject. 

I read this short series on Self-Discipline by Steve Pavlina (click here for link). There was one sentence that stuck out most in the six part series. "Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state. Imagine what you could accomplish if you could simply get yourself to follow through on your best intentions no matter what" So what pops into my head when I read that? I SO WANT THAT!

After reading this article and standing in the doorway most of the day, I saw how this lack of discipline and played out in my life. It rears its ugly head the most when it comes to the areas of health, weight, finances and career. I spent a few hours reading up on discipline, self discipline, how it applies to academics, military, etc. There is tons of information out there, just Google "self discipline". Gotta love Google. 

There is only one thing I can think of and I read this in one of the many articles I came across "there is no greater reason for self-discipline, than a vision for your life" When I think about my life, it's the very reason I started writing this blog in the first place, to be different, to change the habits, so that's what I'm gonna get re-focused on doing. As stated in Steve Pavilna's article I will start small, one day at a time. It's like building a muscle, the muscle is weak at first, but with exercise it gets stronger! 

Time to get stronger!!! 

Obsession: Dancing

So here's the deal....

For as long as I can remember I have loved to shake the booty, do a lil jig, bop up and down, get my groove on, cut a rug.... OK I have run out of dance expressions, moving right along...

I have totally been busted, by a patio full of peeps, dancing  "risky business, tom cruise" style  around my house in my underwear, more than once. I dance around at work and can't begin to tell you how much staff and patrons all laugh and join in! I think it steams from this inability I have to sit still and my other obsession: music (stay tuned for that blog post). Even when I am sitting in a chair, my leg is bouncing or I have this song playing in my head and I am dancing to it. I can't help it, I hear music and I dance. 


I admit that my first love will always be Kevin Costner movies (no this love does not include The Postman, no one can love that movie, sorry Kevin), but I also have this addiction to dance shows (So You Think You Can Dance & Dancing With The Stars) and movies about dancing, yes even the cheesy ones. That list includes CenterStage, Step Up and yes Step Up 2: The Streets, Footloose & Flashdance. The list goes on!  Come on, who doesn't love Dirty Dancing? "No body puts Baby in a corner" classic and then they do this really....well here watch it for yourself! 

Dancing is one of those activities that no matter your mood you can dance it out. I have yet to find a song that I can't dance to. Watching people dance can be a very emotional experience. I know a few times I have been moved to tears while watching a couple dance. Take a look...

Dancing is a great way to express yourself and there are some that are truly gifted in this area. I've taken a couple classes at a dance center here in town and am AMAZED at some of the talent the teachers have. I dance because it feels natural, it feels good and its great exercise. 


So if your happy and you know it.... DANCE. I know I sure do! 


And just because this blog post wouldn't be complete without it....

Family.....

Mumma & I (taken a few years ago)

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you.      ~Desmond Tutu~

So, I read the above quote today, it made me giggle, then the first thought that entered my head was “What did I do to piss off God?” Then I thought a little more and realized I have quite possibly the best family in the world....

I have an older brother, and God bless him i swear it's his personal mission in life to torment me. There was a time in our relationship where we couldn't stand to be in the same room as each other. If we were and more than 5mins had passed, name calling and fighting ensued. Then one day, during an exercise in a course we took together I got my relationship with my brother back. It was quite possibly one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. See I have one of those older brothers, that although at times lift has dealt him a few blows he may stay down for a few minutes, but he will get up dust of his knees and start going at it again. He is also the kind of big brother that when he gets an idea in his head he runs full tilt. He has more passion, courage and strength in his pinky finger than I think I have in my entire body. I'm thankful I have him in my corner, no matter how many times he punches, shoves and makes fun of me.

I have a mother, that I swear is an Angel sent from above. This is a lady that after 27 years of marriage decided that she deserved better and reinvented herself. She'd been with my father since high school and went, pretty much, from her parents home to her married home. She is also the type of mother that let me and my brother make our mistakes but no matter what, the minute we turned around, was standing right there with open arms for hugs, a wash cloth for scrapes and bruises, an aspirin for a hangover, and words of wisdom when a boy or girl had broken our heart. She is also the mother that when her daughter is lying in a hospital bed having just come back from the verge of death leans over and says “So help me God if you think of leaving this earth before me, I will kill you myself.” She is my best friend and my hero. If I can be half the mother to my kids as she was to me, they will be some seriously lucky kids.

I have a father, that all I can say is he battles his demons on a regular basis. He trains me in the art of forgiveness, letting go, and loving someone no matter what. I know he loves me.

Of my Grandparents, I have one Grandmother that is still with me here on earth and although she is my father's mom, her my and mom are cut from the same cloth. She never lets you forget just  how truly special you are. She isn't afraid to give her opinion about the boy you're dating and makes it very clear is she thinks you deserve better. She is also not afraid to give you the “Grandmother eyes” if she thinks you're being a brat. She is also the kind of Grandmother that when your father disappoints you and leaves you crying in a bus depot, calls you a few times to ensure you're ok and reminds you about just how loved you are.

Then there there is the, what feels like, gazillion aunts, uncles and cousins I have. I may not see them once a week, or sometimes not even once a month, but when you do see them, the minute your aunt wraps her arms around you, you can feel the love she generates. I have the kind of uncles that mistakenly dials your number and confuses you with his daughter and it makes you giggle. I also have the kind of uncles that,  when your father disappoints you, they take time our of their busy schedule and take you for coffee just to make sure you know its not your fault. I have the kinds of aunts and uncles that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I ever needed them, would be there in a flash, no matter how long its been since we've seen each other. I have the kinds of cousins that take a day off to sit in the hospital with you and that check in via text of email just to see how you're doing. I can say that my family is a giant fruit salad topped off with a couple nuts.

So yeah, God's gift to me truly is my family because the feeling I get when I think about my family, is a feeling that I wouldn't trade for all the riches in the world. 

Being Yourself...

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”  ~E.E. Cummings~

So I had this really interesting experience recently while attending a concert.

Normally attending an event such as this would require a lot of prep time on my part, hours spend trying on different outfit options, another hour spent on my make-up color choices and then of course the hair. Yes, all of this for a few hours spent at a show. This is normally how I approach each day, but on a much smaller scale of course. What's the deal with all the time spent you may be asking? Well let me give you a little insight to inside my head.

It's all about looking good. There were going to be over 6000 people there and a portion of that is going to be male and as a single female, well it doesn't take a genius to know that you want to look good for the opposite sex. It is also about this need that I have to prove that not all overweight people look sloppy. They can also look hot, sexy and confident… see where I am going?

Wanna know what happened day of.... I was having coffee with the BFF and decided that I was going to enjoy the genius DJ's that are Avicii & David Guetta. I was going to dance and have a good time. I was going to check the insecurities at the door, leave the cute outfit in the closet and be comfortable so that I could dance and enjoy the night. So, I wore a t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. Of course I “Nikkifyed” them with pink and fun makeup but it was no where close to what I had previously planned.

Upon arrival at the venue I began to regret my decision when I saw girl after girl walking around in heels, short skirts, dresses, cleavage baring tops etc until my friends reminded me about how much fun we were going to have so once again I put those nasty little thoughts aside and began to dance!

Here is how my night went....FUN, Dance, FUN, Dance, singing, FUN, dancing, FUN, and more singing. When I heard Avicii do the opening sequence to his single Bromance, I didn't care. I was just thankful to be at the show that everything else just melted away.  Here is what else I saw, girl after girl kicking off the heels because their feet were killing them, girls in the washroom complaining about how uncomfortable their dress was, etc... In that moment I was thankful for my choice. I had fun dancing ridiculously with my friend and taking in the man-candy that was in attendance at this event. I swear every hot man in Vancouver was there, it was DELIGHTFUL to enjoy!

Here is my point. I had more male attention that night in a t-shirt and jeans than I’d ever gotten before. I didn’t care because I’m getting that it didn’t have anything to do with what I was wearing, but more to do with the fact that my friend and I were just there to dance and have FUN.

I’m slowly learning that it isn’t about what you wear or what you look like. It is about being yourself and not being what you think someone else wants you to be or acting how you think someone wants you to act. It’s about being you, all the insecurities, neuroses and faults that make you who you are. I’m beginning to think that the only really horrible is that we try to hide them. I say put them on display, that way there are no surprises and you don’t have to stress yourself out about trying to keep them hidden.

I’m beginning to wonder…why do we spend so much time trying to hide who we are in hopes that no one finds out, but when you really stop and think about it, everyone is doing the exact same thing so why not put it all out there, take a deep breath and finally relax.

Here is what I’m putting on display…

1. I am WAY to emotional sometimes. I will act/react that have to do damage control, apologize and reign it back in.
2. Sometimes the words start flowing out of my mouth, long before my brain has had time to finishing processing the thought.
3. I am sensitive and sometimes take on other peoples problems/emotions as my own and try to help them, without them even asking
4. I am sarcastic, thank you to my mother for this trait. At times it is my defense mechanism, but most of the time it is just my sense of humor that gets me into trouble.
5. I have a really hard time giving up control
6. I hate dealing with conflict

I’m certain I could probably add 25 more items to this list, but the point is to stop worrying about them, put them on display and be myself, the good, the bad and the ugly. There is a famous quote out there that says “Be who you are because those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind, don’t matter”

What are you putting on display?