Grade 6, Harwood Elementary during a dance at lunch time; I’m wearing this floral jumper (thank you mother) and I’m standing at the edge of the gym. One of the “popular” boys walks over to me and asks me to dance. To say I was over the moon would be an understatement, I was so excited and there was nothing that could ruin that experience for me, well almost nothing. I finish dancing with this boy and walked back over to the side of the gym and over walks one of the “popular” girls and she says “I had to pay him to do that because you’re too ugly, he never would have done it if I didn’t.” In that moment the only thought that went through my head was “I’m not worth it.”
I can remember from that point on really starting to put on weight, since I knew the kids thought I wasn’t worth it, I was going to prove to the teachers I was, so I would help out in the office at lunch answering phones. I would help out in Kindergarten classes before and after school and for the most part I started to get along really well with adults, but not really with kids my age. I could spend hours outlining how this background theme music has played out in my life, as mentioned in my previous post, tears have been shed and I was left feeling exposed and naked to a certain extent. Now, I know we all have events like this in our lives that have shaped how our lives have played out. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with my life, because I’m blessed in soooooo many ways and have people and experiences that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Bottom line, this background theme music no longer serves the game I’m out to play in life.
“I’m not worth it” is not something that I can just hit the stop button on and have it be done. It is as engrained in me as breathing. Even since making this discovery on Sunday I’ve caught myself doing things with that music playing. The goal, or my focus, is to hit the pause button as often as I can, hit stop on occasion, but I know there will always be times that this background music will play. I just want to shrink the length of time it plays and the frequency with which it plays. I am no longer willing to have my self-worth be defined by that incident in elementary school. The “popular” kids were doing what they thought they had to do to get through high school. I’m not condoning their behavior, as I’m certain some would label it a form of bullying, but it will no longer control what music plays in the background of my life.
As someone that is a LOVER of really great music, there are too many great songs that could play instead. So, what tune do you need to change?
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