Decisions...

"Standing at a fork in the road...not sure what road to take, to follow the path lit for me or down the un-lit path and whatever lies ahead in the darkness?"

So today has been one of those difficult days. I had a decision laid in my lap that would drastically alter the course of my life. I am someone that is always very methodical in my choices, as previously stated I play it safe, I made decisions that kept me comfortable and kept me safe. I also talk to everyone that I can before I make my decision and I make my choice based on what other people’s reaction that could possibly be affected by my decision.  Kinda f*cked up isn’t it.

This morning I had a decision laying in front of me, all the people I’d normally talk to were either at work or not answering my phone. It quickly became apparently clear that as someone that makes decisions putting others first, was going to have to put myself first and make this decision on my own, this is when the tears started flowing. So I started the coffee machine, because let’s face it no major decisions should be made before coffee. Then I pulled out my journal and started writing. I seem to remember having this dream of building a business. What happened to that dream?  What happened to all the passion I had for life? To lose weight, get healthy, start my company…where did that go? When did I lose it? Did I lose it when I got into a relationship? Is my desire to make a big change coming from that I have set my life up with people, places and things that hold me accountable to those dreams and because I haven’t fulfilled on that I want to run away and do the “start over” mentality? Isn’t that what I’m always doing? Where did I lose my passion and drive? In an effort to stall this exploration I went to Youtube and had some videos saved and so I began to watch them. You see being human we come up with really great ways of distracting ourselves when we are about to peel a layer of the onion, but low and behold Youtube Gods were against me having a distraction. Damn them!  There was one video I must have watched at least 20 times, specifically at 1:05 – 2:33.

"I'm gonna show you how great I am..."

That is a speech from the movie Rocky Balboa, say what you want about that film, but listening to that gave me a sense of relief. My 2012 thus far has been one knock down after the other. I have spent more time on my knees, laying in the dirt than I have standing at times, it seems. I have wanted to stay there, but you see, I have these really great friends and family and little voice in my head that just won’t let me.  The great thing about losing things, is that you can find them again and find what inspired you about it and keep moving forward. Doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up. If that’s the case, bring it. 

I made the decision, and although it was carefully disguised as a great opportunity, it was an opportunity that would have kept me safe and kept me playing small. I made the best choice for me and funny enough when my decision was made, my mom phoned, my friends texted back, that's how I knew this was something I had to do alone, no one else could do it for me. So, let's get a move on. 

Doing Me...

Oscar Wilde once said “Be yourself because everyone else is already taken” Seems humorous, but this is something that has been percolating in my little head, ok overly large head according to hat sizes, the last couple days.

The other night I was having dinner with 2 ladies and at one point I looked at them and I got this overwhelming sense from them that they knew exactly who they were and they don’t care what anyone else thinks because no one can mess with them. I couldn’t help but be envious and then I remembered there was a time that I was exactly like them before I started to give up pieces of myself to be in a relationship with someone. Now before everyone gets all bend out of shape, I understand that you make compromises and such when in a relationship with someone, but the more distance I get from mine I realize more and more that some of the things I was giving up, wasn’t normal. This is a common theme that both many men and woman do. I do not intend to make this error again.

So I took to some reading and came across this amazing article (click here to read), but to summarize the article…

1.       Find yourself and define yourself on your own terms.

2.       Avoid fixating on the past and not letting yourself grow.

3.       Stop caring how others perceive you.

4.       Be honest and open.

5.       Relax. Stop worrying.

6.       Treat yourself as you’d treat your own best friend

7.       Develop and express your own individuality.

8.       Stop comparing yourself to others.

9.       Follow your own style.

10.   Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

I have stared at this list for quite a while now, read it about 100 times and thought about each individual point. I’ve walked away made coffee, had lunch in hopes of not thinking about it, but these 10 items are pretty powerful.

Who I am is someone that loves people. I love taking on my personal growth every day with careless abandon. Even the days or weeks that I seem to fall flat on my face and stay down, I know those are the times I’m truly growing. I love wiping away the tears, standing up and dusting myself off. Giving up what others think about me but the more I focus on this the less I stop defining myself on my own terms and allow others to dictate what I’m capable of. Be honest and open, I do my best to always communicate what’s going on, what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. It throws people of sometimes because I’m always clear about where I’m at. I swear on my life worrying is a genetic trait, this is an ongoing battle. Treating myself with the love, kindness and appreciate that I treat my best friend with, well epic fail is all I have to say, but willing to take this on.

I have this amazing friend Celeste that has this personal style that others envy. She would wear whatever outfit she wanted and because of her attitude it didn’t matter because she could pull it off. I have her to thank for the development of my personal style. She taught me to wear what you want and don’t apologize to anyone for it. She taught me that the biggest part of an outfit is your attitude about it. I have this addiction to taking a pair of scissors to t-shirts, making sure I wear something pink almost every day and wearing things that I love be them popular brands or not.

Who I am is me. Who I am is in love with people. Who I am is a girl addicted to the color pink. I love make-up. I love helping others. I love humor. I love family. I love being a brunette. Who I am is someone that loves music right down to my soul. Who I am is a woman that is not going to sell myself short. Who I is a woman with imperfections and flaws. Who I am is me. 

Love & Romance...

So some friends of mine indicated to me that I have a free pass today to be resigned and cynical about love, relationships, romance and all that jazz, especially today because it is the day of love afterall.

So I was thinking about my situation and what's played out over the last few weeks, the heartache, betrayal, dishonesty and my friends are right...it would be super easy for me to put on my horns, grab my pitch fork and walk around all day being mean to those who are trying to enjoy the day. After I finished drinking my coffee and my caffeine monster was satiated I began to think more clearly...

Although I'm slowly piecing my heart back together, there is still a big part of me that believes in love and knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will find a man that will love and respect me as much as I do him. I'm talking about that all consuming, can't live without each other kind of love. The kind of love where you don't have to change, give up or remove pieces of who you are to be in a relationship with this person. The kind of love where you don't have to hide and when you are being stubborn they call you out. When you do something nice for them they smile, give you a kiss and say “Thank you, I love you.”

A big part of who I am is a hopeless romantic and although there are days that I would love nothing more than to beat that part of me with a reality stick I believe that it is possible and it is out there. You just need a little faith and love in yourself first so that your heart is open for that person to walk on in.

My heart is not yet open, but I'm working on it...

Thankful...

Starbucks Valentine's Cup

Eleanor Roosevelt said “If you can live through that [a difficult situation] you can live through anything. You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”

So this last week has been probably in my top 5 of worst weeks of my life, right below the week I died, because there have been times this week that I have thought death would have probably felt better then moving through some of the disrespect, pain and anger I was feeling. Although I am now coming out the other side I have moments where I can feel my heart sink and the tears well up in my eyes. The love I have felt and kept tucked in the depths of my heart for the last 15 years is now coming to an end. Here is what I am thankful for...

1)      I'm thankful to have experienced that kind of pure love. There are people in this world that have gone through life never allowing themselves to feel love or to experience that level of love and I am thankful and grateful to him that I was granted the gift to experience this kind of love.

2)      I'm thankful to him for having taught me to never settle for anything less than what I deserve. I'm thankful to him for showing me that no matter what, never settle.

3)      I'm thankful for learning this past week that although I have this tendency to want to do things on my own and “tough it out”, it is ok to let friends and family fill your heart with love when it feels broken and empty. I have amazing pillars of strength all around me when I feel like I can't even breathe.

I am learning to my very core that I can, indeed, take anything that comes alone. I’m stronger than I know, more beautiful than I believe and more talented than I can ever imagine. 

Anger...

So since sleep seems to not be my friend at this point in time and I’ve got all this stuff going through my brain I thought what better place to come than you guys.

I’m dealing with a broken heart right now. I’m looking at the floor and seeing the billion pieces my heart has been broken into. All day my head was in a fog, crying at the drop of a hat, feeling the grief for the end of a relationship. Now, something else seems to be starting to trickle into its place. I don’t know how I feel about it or how to process it.anger.

Our relationship ended because he started to pull away with no real explanation as to why. In an act of desperation I betrayed his trust and logged into his Facebook account and started to do some reading and quickly discovered that he was not being faithful. I'm going to add in that this was not the first time either. When I asked him about it there was flat out denial, but how can you deny what I read. I didn’t make it up, when you read that your boyfriend has been kissing another girl, spending time with another girl, how do you deny that? Now, I do not condone the act of me hacking into his Facebook account without consent, that is not the kind of person I am or want to be which is why I owned up to it to him, but why is he the only one that gets to be upset and angry? What about me? How come it feels like I’m the one that gets cheated on, but somehow this is all my fault?

I’ve held onto the love for the man since I was 14 years old and believed that if we were given the opportunity that everything would be great. That opportunity came to life and for a couple months I was happy. I poured my heart and soul into this relationship. He’s had a rough go of things, so I did everything I could to support him. I gave him work, gave him money, paid for bus tickets, bought him things, bought his kids things and now the anger is setting in that I do all of that for him because I love him and he cheats on me and gets to make me out to be the bad guy?

His family welcomed me into their hearts and homes with open arms and so when our relationship ended, out of my respect and love for them, I sent a brief msg telling them what I’d done and my apologies to them. This is one of the most amazing and loving families you could ever meet and part of my sadness today is realizing the fact that they are no longer going to be in my life the way I had originally hoped they were going to be.

I don’t know how to process this. I don’t want to be this bitter woman that builds a 30 foot brick wall around myself but I’m finding it really difficult not to at the moment. Then on the other side of all of that is this little tiny voice that still says “Don’t give up hope Nikki, you two are meant to be, just not now”

Letting Go...

So I’m clear that my 2012 is not starting out as previous envisioned. In fact I’ve cried daily, moved from anger to frustration to sadness in the span of a minute and seriously thought at one point that there is something wrong with me mentally. In walks the BFF “AL” for a smack upside the head and a heart to heart.

Have you ever held on to something so tight that when you finally stopped and looked you couldn’t really remember why you were holding on?  Have you ever rushed into a decision because you just want the answer so bad, you couldn’t wait? Or my personal favorite…have you ever had an argument or thrown a temper tantrum because something didn’t go your way or because you couldn’t deal with not being right?

I was/am one of those women that have to have the answer for everything and I have to have it right away. If something didn’t/doesn’t go my way, trust me, I’m going to make darn sure you know about it and I’ve made more snap judgements and un-thoughtful decisions because I didn’t want to see how it was going to play out.

This morning on the phone I got why. I’m currently hanging on the edge of a cliff. There are a lot of areas of my life that are up in the air right now and I don’t know how they are going to play out. If I climb back up the cliff I’m going back to what I’ve always down, how I’ve always done it. If I let go and fall it means trusting that no matter what, what is meant to happen will happen. Now for a girl that always has to have all the answers, you can see why I’ve been an anxiety stricken, tear factory producing mess the first 18 days of this year. For the first time I’m letting go and I’m going to fall, I’m going to let things play out how they play out and trust that what is meant to happen will happen.

My dear BFF AL said this really great thing “A breakthrough is a quick fix to an annoying problem, a transition is shifting who you are to your very core and you my friend are smack dap in the middle of a transition so let go of the cliff.”

So, I’m letting go of expectations, assumptions, judgements and having to always know what’s on the other side. This isn’t to say that those things won’t always be there, it’s about practicing letting them go. 

The First 12 days....

I'm taking the advice so eloquently put in this picture

So they say that the first 12 days of the year dictate how your year is going to go. It has been one hell of a ride that I have no desire to stay on for the year, which means I have 2 days to change how my first 12 days have gone.

What I’ve discovered, thus far, in my first 9 days is…

1.)    I do not adapt well to change, at all! If plans change and I’m not given ample notice I can through a hissy fight that could match a 2 year old that you’ve just told cannot have the bright shiny new toy she wants. Even worse, if I’m not told till the last minute and have no say in the change in plans….well just picture the little girl from Poltergeist, head spinning, pea soup spewing….you get the point.

2.)    My insecurities, which I thought I was keeping a pretty good handle on, have reared their ugly head in different, new ways. They masked themselves in “designer clothes” thinking I wouldn’t notice the new form they’ve taken. HA! Funny thing when you think you’ve dealt with an issue, it will take a new shape and reappear.

3.)    I have a boyfriend that, although not perfect, has more patience in his pinky finger than I do in my whole body. How do I know this? Well, he’s dating me, so he has to because I do not make it easy on him at times.

 

I have cried more, been upset more, been angry more and been so frustrated in the first 9 days of this year that I’m pulling out my big ol’ reset button and calling a do-over!

The three things I won’t do over…all the time I’ve spent getting to know my boyfriend’s family, my time with my Mumma, and my visit to one of the most beautiful cities this province has to offer and my hometown, Vernon.

Alright January 10^th & 11^th let’s go!