My Old BFF...

Since I wrote my blog post about my Little Red Worry Wagon, it’s the first time, in a few months, that I`ve felt like I have taken a sizeable step forward which has been anything  but easy. My favorite sentence has become ``put down the handle to the wagon Nicole, you picked it up, not put it down.`` What this has also opened up is me noticing the situations in which I pick up the handle, or what`s going through my head when I realize I`ve been holding the handle for a few hours, or a whole day.  What`s that old saying about how long it takes to break a habit and form a new one….21 repetitions?

So I’ve been reading this book called “The Power”, it is by the same lovely lady that wrote “The Secret”.  I have been moving through this book slowly, and by doing so it has been like being repeatedly hit over the head with a baseball bat, golf club or hockey stick, pick your weapon of choice. It has, however, forced me to acknowledge the extent that I go to bed every night, wake up every morning with, cuddle with, brush my teeth with, and make out with my BFF Negativity.

It’s funny, if you’d asked me if I consider myself to be a negative person I would probably tell you no, that I consider myself to be a fairly optimistic/glass half full type girl. Turns out, not so much! What I have noticed is that my relationship with negativity runs deeper than that. It is almost an ingrained belief in myself that is as natural as putting on mascara or brushing my teeth.  Little things happen and I have a reaction to it which I’ve noticed starts this whole circle/cycle of negativity and if there is one thing that this book is hammering home it is that, what you give out comes back.  So in conjunction with putting down the handle to my little red wagon I’ve taken on letting go of negativity.

Now I’m not saying that I’m going to be one of those chipper, happy perky people that’s not what I’m talking about, if you’ve met me, you’d know that sarcasm is my other BFF and it’s a part of my charm and humor. What I’m talking about working on is those, what at times, seem automatic opinions and judgements. For example, I see a girl sitting on a bus and she’s got on this cute dress. I say to myself “cute dress wish I could wear something like that” and then proceed to roll through the list of reasons why I can’t in my head and before I know it I have belittled myself to a tiny pea. It’s that automatic response that I’ve gone to work on. I’m stopping now at “Wow, that’s a cute dress”. I’m giving out compliments and gratitude and taking that bat that I’ve been hitting myself with and hitting the negativity balls out of the park. Ok, just realized that I need to work on my sports metaphors.

If the universe gives back what you give out, there is no way that I want negativity back, so I’m gonna stop giving it out. If what I want in life is love, faith, gratitude and beauty for everyone, then that is what I have to give out.

FYI – if you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend it

A Few of My Favorites...

I spend a lot of time focusing on where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm being that sometimes I forget to look up and enjoy what is right in front of me, so I decided to take a side step and share with you all a few of my favorite things! It's similar to my Things That Make Me Smile post, but as I've said before sometimes you need to stop and focus on the little things to appreciate the big things when they happen!

Favorite......

Color: Hmmmm this one is probably a given, if not look at the main color of my blog! I have friends that cringe when I wear my favorite color, and my staff at work won't let me buy anything that is my favorite color! I don't care though. Pink is a very tender, soothing and happy color!

Flower: I love the playfulness of Gerber Daisies and the elegance of Lilies

Moment: The feeling after you finish this really amazing workout where you know you left your insides in the gym!

Way to spend a free afternoon: With someone I love! Now, this doesn't necessarily mean a man, however not completely discounted, it does mean someone that means the world to me.... friends, family, or simply a yummy cup of coffee :)

Book: Romeo & Juliet (this would probably be my favorite movie as well, but I have yet to find a really great version, so alas my second favorite book is my favorite movie :)

Movie: Pride & Prejudice

Song: Blueberry Hill - Louis Armstrong. Yes, I know Fats Domino was the original singer, but I love Louis' version better, sorry Fats!

Food: I would be happy if the only thing I had left to eat for the rest of my life was fruit. I love all kinds of fruit! Pineapple, Kiwi, Strawberries, Banana's, Grapes, the list goes on and on!

Sound: Music. Note the period after the word. I love all types, styles and kinds of music. One of my biggest fears is losing my hearing and the ability to hear the amazing melodies and sounds that the musical geniuses come out with.

Brand of Make-Up: Well as most of you know I'm a little bit of a make-up junkie but I don't know if I'd say if I have a favorite make-up brand. There are definalty a lot of REALLY great brands out there, some expensive and some inexpensive. I would say that if it has great color payoff, lasting power, doesn't make me break out and they don't test on animals, they are a favorite. What I'm not a fan of though, is charging through the nose for a tube of lip gloss or eye-shadow, come on, seriously, $28 for a tube of lip gloss?

Animal: Mountain Gorilla. I'm not sure why, but I have always been in love with this animal. Growing up I wanted to follow in the foot steps of Dian Fossey and to this day not really sure why I didn't...hmmm....

And then here are a few things that don't fall under any specific category, but for some reason I feel the need to include them...

1. Dancing around my apartment to music, channeling Tom Cruise from Risky Business!
2. Hugging my Mumma, my Grams or my nieces
3. Curling up with a really, really great book
4. Having a really wicked conversation with someone new

What are some of your favorite things?

My Little Red Wagon...

So I’ve been on vacation for exactly 6 days now. I’ve spent time with my nieces, went for a hike, enjoyed the sun and for 80% of the time enjoying my time off, but there is that leftover 20% that has been sitting right behind me every time that I turn around, I call it my Little Red Worry Wagon. I believe that most people have one of these little red wagons and that some have a fuller wagon while the person next to them may not be pulling their wagon at all because they’ve been blessed with, what I like to call, the “free spirit gene”. I believe that the contents of your wagon changes when you get married, have kids, or maybe even make a big change in your life that we aren’t 100% certain about. But, none the less there you are pulling your little red wagon, cursing the free spirit next to you, all the while wishing, hoping and maybe even prayer that one day soon you’ll be able to leave your little red worry wagon at home.  

Over the last few weeks, ok well if I’m honest, few months, I feel as if my little red worry wagon has been controlling my life to a certain degree. It has defiantly been dictating the amount of sleep I get, wether I eat or not because there have been times over the last few months that I feel as if my little red wagon has turned into a big ol’ flatbed truck.  I worry about my health, I worry about my job, my Mumma, my brother, my nieces, my Father, my Grandma, money, friends, you name it  I probably have it packed on my flatbed . Now yes, I have done lots of reading, self-improvement work and intellectually I know that worrying about things only gets me more worry and that I should focus on the things that I can control and forget about the things that I can’t control. For some reason though, that doesn’t seem to help because emotionally it’s all I know how to do, worry.  

The point I’ve gotten to, is that I’m tired. I’m tired of always worrying, wondering, thinking, but most of all I’m tired of pulling my little red wagon. I don’t want to pull it anymore, or I only want to pull it when it is really necessary. I want to channel and uncover my free spirit gene. I believe that all of us have that in us and it’s just a matter of finding it and putting it to use.  Worrying about things can drive a person insane, trust me there have been a couple times over the last month that I thought for certain I either needed to be medicated or put in a white jacket and forced to hug myself till the men in lab coats told me I was ok to interact with the public.

What I’m getting though is that it is a choice; everything in life is a choice.  I choose each day to pick up the handle of my wagon and pull it around. So, if I choose to pick up the handle and pull the wagon then I can also choose to put the handle down and not pull the wagon.  I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason and all you have to do is be open and take life as it comes, good, bad, ugly, pretty and all the stuff in between.

So for right now, I’m putting down the handle to my little red wagon and I encourage you to do the same and although you may pick it back up in a minute or a day don’t worry about it, just remember you choose to pick up the handle so you can choose to put it down.  

Friends...

“True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost” ~unknown~    

So the last couple weeks have been a bit rough. There has been a lot going on at work, both emotions and stress levels have been running extremely high and I probably wouldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for some very dear friends in my life, which got me to thinking about friends and friendships.

I have defiantly made my fair share of mistakes in friendships, but to me a true mark of a friend is one that walks in when it feels like the rest of the world is walking out. Over the last 3 weeks I really became grateful for the friends that I have in my life. The ones that our relationship is a two way street. There are times where I'm taking and their giving and then there are times when I'm giving and they are taking. We provide each other with encouragement, support and don't hesitate to smack each other upside the head when the time calls for it.

In addition, I also noticed that those people whom I thought would be there through thick and thin, aren't and that's ok. I have finally realized that friendship are not a one way street I can't be the one always calling to make brunch, lunch or shopping dates. I can't be the one that is putting in all the effort. Now, yes I understand that people have busy lives, but even in my busy life I make time to text those near and dear to my heart or a short pick up the phone and say hello and they do the same.

There are people in my life that have made me who I am today. I had dinner and drinks with an old friend from my hometown and I realized that it didn't matter how long we'd been a part we still got up to some of the same old antics that we did when we were younger. She is one of those friends that changed my life. She taught me how to have fun, how to have confidence and how to believe that I had “it”.

I have a friend that no matter the day, time or situation she will listen. She forces me to be bigger than I know myself to be. She also doesn't put up with any of my excuses or reasons for not doing something. I can also call and tell her about the dumbest thing I've done and although she may call me an idiot she doesn't judge me because its the same from me to her. She's taught me not to listen to that little voice inside my head and she's been my cheerleader when I was ready to throw in the towel. She's been there through good, bad, great, ugly, messy, stupid and down right delusional (hey, I'm female we have those moments and anyone that says they don't is lying!)

Friends will come in and out of your life, but I truly believe that each one is intended to teach you a lesson and that although it may be sad when they go or the distance between you grows what you need to do is celebrate that it happened and take the lesson the two of you shared and carry that forward.

Life is not measure but the number of friends you have, it's measured by the person you are and the person you want to become and your friends play a part in that.

Obsession: Music

A pair of my favorite earrings

There are about 1 million and 3 things that I could talk about when it comes to this topic. The thought of just having to pick one seems a little depressing, so this may be part 1 of a series, we'll see...

Music has been and always will be a really large part of my life. Music has been there for me, when no one else was. To me music is that one friend you can always count on, because no matter what, all it takes is the push of a button to start a conversation with this friend.

Where did my obsession with music begin? My brother. He's always been big into music as well and there was always different types of music and different bands coming from the stereo in his room, growing up. Some of them I became instantly in love with and some of them I would put my own headphones on to drown out the god awful sound. We didn't always see eye to eye on musical tastes. I'm certain when I went through my New Kids on The Block phase or Backstreet Boys phase we was plotting ways to destroy my CD's so I would stop playing those songs over and over again. I like to think of those times as payback for the Metallica blaring out of his speakers, which I didn't grow to appreciate till much later in life.

Music has the power to bubble up a fountain of emotion from deep inside you. There is a song for every moment. Look at the movies, they rely on music to help you experience the moment, when sometimes the actors aren't doing a very good job at the acting part. Danger music when someone's being chased, light and romantic when 2 actors are falling in love, it all aids in the experience. Crazy, not really. If you were paying attention I bet you can remember the song that was playing in the background the first time that cute boy asked you out, first dance, first kiss, first time you fell in love, first break-up, and the first moment where you felt powerful beyond measure. I know I can remember most of those songs. I relied on music when the mean girls in school would not let up with the teasing. Music is there for me to help me remember my deceased Grandparents. Music is there when I've had a rough day and need to escape the world for a little while.

When you listen to music you are instantly taken to a different place. This place makes you want to cry, or scream, or, in my case, dance because I think we're all clear on my obsession with dancing. Just like dancing, music is a way of expressing yourself when you just can't seem to find the words.

Musical tastes are different for everyone, and I say, don't let anyone make fun of you for the band or singer that you love. They obviously strike a chord with you and if that music makes a difference for you, then listen to it! I have everything in my iTunes from death metal, to punk, to pop, to opera, to classical, and yes, even a little country. I have a playlist in my iTunes that are some of my favorites, these songs have been my favorites for as long as I can remember. They hold powerful memories for me and every time I listen to them I fall in love with them all over again. Here's a small little sampling, if you click on the song it will take you to a link in YouTube...

My Hero - Foo Fighters
Blueberry Hill - Louis Armstrong
Quiet In My Town - Civil Twilight
Beautiful Day- U2
Nightswimming - REM
Perfection Through Silence - Finch
Like a Prayer - Madonna
La Vie En Rose - Louis Armstrong
Non Believer - La Rocca
Cello Suite no.1 - Bach
Summertime - Will Smith
Here Comes a Regular - The Replacements

OK, this list could go on forever!

Like I said there is a ton I can talk about when it comes to this topic, but the only thing left in this moment for me to say is....Thank you. Thank you to the artists, musicians, producers, and technicians involved in making the music. You make the music that makes a difference for someone and to me, that's a pretty big deal, so thanks.

Losing Your Way....

Been in a little bit of a cave as of late, but thanks to a truthful conversation with an important somebody in my life I'm peaking my head out. I started this journey knowing that my M.O and pattern is to bail, punk out and I've done that several times along the way. This time has been particularly interesting. The universe came knocking pretty loud yesterday and as I was channel surfing, I stopped on one of those CW TV shows and in grand universe fashion here's what was said...

"and Hansel said to Gretel " Let us drop those bread crumbs so that together we find out way home, because losing our way would be the most cruelest of things." This year I lost my way. Losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted 8 month, sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn't me who had arrived, it wasn't me at all. Once you loose yourself you have two choices - find the person you used to be or loose that person completely, because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you are meant to be, the person you want to be, the person you are. " 


Do I have what it takes? do I have it inside of me to give everything I have to turn my life into what I want it to be and be the person I was meant to be? 

The Question At Hand....

I used to think that making decisions and choices was simply. As humans we do it everyday, almost every moment. Do I want drip coffee or a latte? Do I want to wear those shoes with this outfit or those ones? Do I want to answer this phone call or don't I? Do I want to take this great job offer or don't I? Do I want to go on this date or not? My filter for making the tough decisions has always been "Will my decision make this person happy, mad or sad?" and "What's the easiest way to not have this person be upset with me?" or "What's the easiest most simply choice that will provide the least amount of effort?"

I've been fighting this wicked headache all day, and I'm not someone that get's headaches. As I type this blog post working through this subject, weighing on my mind, my headache is subsiding. So my question is this. When do we stop making decisions and choices based on what will make other's happy and start making them based on what's best for me and my life and when you start doing this, what is the cost?"