Drop Dead Diva Project...

This project was born from my breakthrough in a previous post Beliefs and in conjunction with the love of one of my FAVORITE TV shows, Lifetime’s Drop Dead Diva (click here for show website). This  show “tells the story of a shallow wannabe model (Deb) who dies in a sudden accident only to find her soul resurfacing in the body of a brilliant, plus-size and recently deceased attorney, Jane.  Outraged by her sudden demise, she attempts to persuade Fred to return her to her shallow existence but is accidentally relegated to the body of the recently deceased Jane Bingum (Brooke Elliott). An intelligent, thoughtful and plus-size attorney with a loyal assistant, Teri (Margaret Cho), Jane has always lived in the shadow of her colleagues, whereas Deb has always relied on her external beauty. By a twist of fate and a bolt of divine intervention, Deb must come to terms with inhabiting Jane’s curvier frame and learn to reconcile her beauty-queen ways with her brilliant new mind.”   (about the show). The grace, strength, poise and courage that the character, Jane/Deb, faces the world with each day is inspiring and the belief she has in herself is unbreakable. This is what I want every woman, including myself, to feel each and every day.

To be a “Drop Dead Diva” you must have the desire and will to love yourself no matter what and to take your inner Diva that lives inside all of us and let her out. I call mine my “Blooming Diva”, she’s been looking to get out for quite some time and so out she shall come.  I was told once, or read somewhere, that your outside physical appearance doesn’t always match how you feel on the inside once you remove all the worries, insecurities and concerns about what people think. This year that is what I have done, gone to work on removing all those inner insecurities, worries and concerns about what people think about me. So my inner diva is looking to bloom and turn my outer appearance into the beautiful butterfly that I am on the inside. Now, before ya’ll go and get in an uproar, I am in no way saying that I’m not already a pretty lil butterfly, I am talking about a healthy, fit butterfly. I’ve been sharing this with some of my friends and they’ve jumped down my throat about me already being a beautiful butterfly, so I’m just clarifying! Wow, that is a whole lot of butterfly talk in one paragraph!

As of last Friday I’ve signed on with a very dear friend, Karyn, to be part of a 90 day challenge. I’m giving myself 90 days to prove to myself that I have what it takes to let out my “Blooming Diva”. Let’s call it the 

Drop Dead Diva Project 90 Day Kick Off Party!!!

This party kicks off Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest, as there are a couple peeps that have joined this challenge.  What I want out of the next 90 days? I am out to prove to myself that I CAN DO THIS. I have a nasty habit of not believing in myself that I am out to destroy and I’m using the next 90 days and the support of my friends and family to do this.

My invitation: Come along on the next 90 days. Take one area of your life that you have not been letting your inner Diva out to play. Plot the actions, take the steps and let the b*tch out! 

Update!

Well it is officially the first day of the last month of the 2011. I can’t help but be a little reflective, a little disappointed, yet at the same time optimistic and looking forward to the next month and 2012.

The disappointment comes from not really having accomplished much on my list of goals that I set out for this year, but the optimism comes from all the changes that I have had and continue to have these last 11 months. I’ve had a couple friends say to me recently that I’m not the same person I was at the start of the year, that I have a “glow” about me and a smile frequents my face a majority of the day. Now don’t go over analyzing the “glow” comment, I’m not pregnant and I ain’t using any miracle creams I promise ;) I believe that the glow comes from a level of genuine happiness that seems to have crept into my life.  I’m more confident in certain areas of my life and feel like I’m genuinely blessed to have all that I have. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am dead smack in the middle of one of the most uncomfortable times in my life. All my old ways of dealing with situations and things are going bankrupt and I haven’t quite navigated the waters of confidence and power, but I’m getting there.

I don’t know where I would be at in this journey this year if it wasn’t for my friends and family. Although there have been a lot of changes I’m grateful for each and every one of them.  I’m also grateful for the new friends and potential family members that have come into my life this year, and the great things that I will learn from them and them from me.

I was pretty stuck in my ways at the beginning of the year and although I didn’t accomplish all that I wanted, I’m happy about what I have accomplished and how I have grown. Normally I would be beating myself with a mental bat for not accomplishing what I outlined, but right now I see the gaps of why some of them didn’t happen and the structures I’m putting in to support the success of those goals next year.

Don’t worry, Drop Dead Diva Project post is coming! I know I said it would be the next post, but I couldn’t help but post this first J

Beliefs...

Rattlesnake Point, Vernon B.C.

I sat down to write a post, not 100% certain about what exactly. I swore that I would not write a blog post if I felt that I was constantly complaining about the same things, never taking action, blah, blah, blah. Then I realized that growing requires getting uncomfortable and continuously peeling the onion. I have yet again peeled another layer of my onion that is my weight loss journey...

There have been a lot of “beliefs” that I have regarded as cold hard facts…truths, if you will, that are all of a sudden being presented to me as false.  As human we develop these beliefs out of decisions we make in a split second from events in our lives. For most, you don’t question them, for me, I’m like a pit-bull looking for blood when it comes to personal development, so here it goes.

False Belief #1: In my world I have to lose a ton of weight before I can find love. I had to lose weight before I could be in a relationship, get married, have babies etc… Although, yes, I saw plus size girls all the time, married with children, what always went through my head was “That is great for them, but for me I have to lose weight first.” Well this has been thrown out the window with me being in an amazing relationship, where he tells me, on a regular basis, how beautiful I am and how much he loves being with me.

False Belief #2: No one can love me as much as the boyfriend says he does, because I don’t even love myself that much. This one stung a little because its admitted that in the world of love, it wasn’t possible for me to love myself at this size, but don’t worry, when I lose weight I will very much love myself because I would be more acceptable and easy to love.  “That which you resist, persists” By not loving myself no matter what, the weight stays exactly where it is. Now, I ‘ve made strides in the area of loving myself since I started my journey earlier this year, but strides is no longer good enough. I can take the love that my boyfriend, my friends and my family give me and use it to train myself in the art of loving myself. Your partner, friends and family love you unconditionally and since we all know that I haven’t been very good at it, why not look at myself through someone else’s eyes and love what they love, see what they see…

False Belief #3: I’m screwed. I developed this belief when the popular gym teacher told me I wasn’t going to be able to participate in an exercise because of my size and the entire class looked at me. I decided that it didn’t matter how hard I tired I was screwed because if the popular gym teacher said so, then it must be true. I was overweight, but not to terrible at this point in high school and with the help of my mother had been trying really hard to lose the excess weight. I’m screwed became the perfect excuse to give up.

Closely in behind I’m screwed, is I have to be perfect at everything. I’ve held the belief, since elementary school, that if I wasn’t going to be able to do something perfectly, don’t bother doing it at all.  This has crept in and out of previous blog posts, but I’m calling it out now. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, kind of like beauty. You are the only person that dictates what perfect is, because perfect to me is different than what is perfect to you.  What I’ve discovered is that perfect doesn’t matter, it’s trying that counts. I’m reminded of what someone said to me once “I don’t care that you’ve tried 1000 times Nicole, try 1001, 2000, 4000 if that’s what it takes, just try”.

So, with these beliefs now turning up bunk what am I left with? Well for the first time in a long time I have a little bit more faith in myself and it’s time to have a little fun and give a whole lotta love my way. From this, the Drop Dead Diva Project has been born, stay tuned for the next post…

Your Heart...

Sometimes giving your heart to another is one of the scariest things you can do in life. It means opening yourself up to a world of potential hurt and heartbreak.

As most of you know I have entered into a relationship that I have dreamed about for a really long time and I thought that everything was perfect. I placed my heart into the hands of a man that I have loved since I was 14 years old. When you place your heart in someone else’s hands you hope and pray that they take care of it the way that you will take care of theirs, assuming they’ve done the same. You want them to cherish it, love it, nurture it and put their life on the line to ensure that it doesn’t get broken.

This week it feels as if mine is being tossed up in the air for a game of catch. It’s like I'm watching a baseball pitcher, standing on his pitcher’s mound, tossing the ball up in the air and catching it with his glove, but not looking at the ball, he’s looking at his teammate over his right shoulder.  I watched as events unfolded and conversations were had that made me want to jank my heart away from this person with such freight that I remember saying to myself at one point “I’m never going to give this thing away again”.

Then thanks to a quote posted on a friend’s Facebook, I remembered, you have to love someone with everything that you have, every fibre of your body. Holding back this love doesn’t serve any purpose. There is a line in a quote that reads “love like it will never hurt”. If you‘ve ever been through what I’ve described above you know what I’m talking about. Loving like it will never hurt takes something deep from within your soul. You have to give up all protection mechanisms that we develop as humans over the years. IT’S SCARY! But when you stop and think about what not doing this gets you….do you want a life of “what if’s” and regrets, or do you want to arrive at the pearly white gates with scrapes on your knees and mud in your hair saying “Sweet ride!” 

Miss Independent...

I’ve made sure that for most of my life I have been pretty self-sufficient. I have made sure that I don’t really allow myself to rely on anyone for anything.  I’ve never really shared my space, my brain, but most of all my heart with someone wholly and completely.  Now, most of this was done out of protection, can’t get hurt when you don’t let anyone in, life seemed easier that way. However, I then went and wrote a blog post that has a really great guy standing at the door, pounding on the door wanting to come in. Come into my heart, my mind and my soul.

He was here visiting for a week and let me tell you the lesson I learnt in just how alone I’ve made myself was astounding. He did the sweetest things…. made sure my slippers were right outside the bathroom door whenever I had a shower so that when I got out my toes didn’t get cold, cover me up with a blanket on the couch when I fell asleep after work, make the bed in the morning, watered the plants, did the dishes, cleaned all the cobwebs off my patio or killed anything that remotely resembled a spider, because I’m deathly afraid of spiders.  He helped make dinner every night, helped with laundry, came to work with me and painted my fitting rooms on his holiday, because I’d told him it needed to be done. The list could go on.

For the first couple days I was beyond stubborn and kept saying “I can do it, don’t worry.” I was determined to show him that I was an independent lady! Then after  the hundredth time of me saying that sentence he took my hand, looked at me and said “I know you can do it, but I want to help you, so let me” I took a deep breath and for the first time in what feels like ever, let someone help me. I’m used to having men in my life that only want something, they never want to give anything, just take, so to have this guy standing in front of me wanting to contribute to my life in a positive way reduced me to tears.

I’m sitting here today, he’s been gone less than 24 hours and I have stopped several times today and watched the little voice saying “alone and independent  again” temporarily take over. I really am lookin to punt that voice off a cliff, but all I’m going to do is stuff it with a little faith and a whole lot of love.

There is being independent and then there is plain ol’ shutting people out so you don’t get hurt and I’m now carving out the path for myself that let’s this really great guy in, but also lets me keep my independent spirit, any tips would be helpful ;)

Insecurities...

Have you ever looked at a friend, loved one, or co-worker and this, what at first appears to be an innocent, thought pops into your head? Maybe sounding something like “Hmmm that’s new, they’ve never done that before” or “Why did he say that?” or “He always says he loves me before he leaves and he didn’t say it this time”, some version of one of those, and then it happens again so the wheels in your head start turning and you start making it mean “They are out to get me” or “He’s doesn’t want to be with me anymore” or “ They’re making me look bad”. Before you know it you’ve gone on an evidence gathering mission and without even talking to them, have plotted revenge, been a complete b*tch, or ended things with them before you in fact have the truth and have even spoken to them about it?

As human being this is something we do, insecurities run rapid and can take over before you even know it. This has been me for the last 24 hours, as a girl I’m just throwing it out there, but I think we’re prone to more of these “fits of insecurities” than men are, mostly because we are the more emotional one’s than our male counterparts.

So if you’ve read the blog post A Gift (if not click here), I am delighted to report that said boy has read the post and re-entered into my life into a really big way. It is both beyond exciting and at the same time, terrifying!  We’ve spoken everyday on the phone and spent the rest of the day usually chatting via BBM when not working. We’ve both been through a lot in life and are getting to know one another again and to say my heart is full would be an understatement. What I’d forgotten happens though is that when you put your heart out there, you are trusting another with it and at times your mind goes into to “protect” mode. Another label for this is “fit of insecurities”, which start popping up all over the place. I got stuck in one last night because of something I saw on Facebook. Oh, how you gotta love social media and what it’s done to the world and relationships.

Soon to be added to my left wrist

I woke up this morning and I am sipping my coffee, swollen eyes from lack of sleep and realized that all this needs is a little bit of faith; faith in him, faith in what we’re discovering and most of all faith in myself.  Sometimes we just need a little reminder and a little clarity about what faith is, so here is mine….

Not Worth It...

Grade 6, Harwood Elementary during a dance at lunch time; I’m wearing this floral jumper (thank you mother) and I’m standing at the edge of the gym. One of the “popular” boys walks over to me and asks me to dance. To say I was over the moon would be an understatement, I was so excited and there was nothing that could ruin that experience for me, well almost nothing. I finish dancing with this boy and walked back over to the side of the gym and over walks one of the “popular” girls and she says “I had to pay him to do that because you’re too ugly, he never would have done it if I didn’t.”  In that moment the only thought that went through my head was “I’m not worth it.” 

I can remember from that point on really starting to put on weight, since I knew the kids thought I wasn’t worth it, I was going to prove to the teachers I was, so I would help out in the office at lunch answering phones. I would help out in Kindergarten classes before and after school and for the most part I started to get along really well with adults, but not really with kids my age.  I could spend hours outlining how this background theme music has played out in my life, as mentioned in my previous post, tears have been shed and I was left feeling exposed and naked to a certain extent. Now, I know we all have events like this in our lives that have shaped how our lives have played out. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with my life, because I’m blessed in soooooo many ways and have people and experiences that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Bottom line, this background theme music no longer serves the game I’m out to play in life.

“I’m not worth it” is not something that I can just hit the stop button on and have it be done. It is as engrained in me as breathing. Even since making this discovery on Sunday I’ve caught myself doing things with that music playing. The goal, or my focus, is to hit the pause button as often as I can, hit stop on occasion, but I know there will always be times that this background music will play. I just want to shrink the length of time it plays and the frequency with which it plays. I am no longer willing to have my self-worth be defined by that incident in elementary school. The “popular” kids were doing what they thought they had to do to get through high school. I’m not condoning their behavior, as I’m certain some would label it a form of bullying, but it will no longer control what music plays in the background of my life.

As someone that is a LOVER of really great music, there are too many great songs that could play instead. So, what tune do you need to change?