Friends...

“True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost” ~unknown~    

So the last couple weeks have been a bit rough. There has been a lot going on at work, both emotions and stress levels have been running extremely high and I probably wouldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for some very dear friends in my life, which got me to thinking about friends and friendships.

I have defiantly made my fair share of mistakes in friendships, but to me a true mark of a friend is one that walks in when it feels like the rest of the world is walking out. Over the last 3 weeks I really became grateful for the friends that I have in my life. The ones that our relationship is a two way street. There are times where I'm taking and their giving and then there are times when I'm giving and they are taking. We provide each other with encouragement, support and don't hesitate to smack each other upside the head when the time calls for it.

In addition, I also noticed that those people whom I thought would be there through thick and thin, aren't and that's ok. I have finally realized that friendship are not a one way street I can't be the one always calling to make brunch, lunch or shopping dates. I can't be the one that is putting in all the effort. Now, yes I understand that people have busy lives, but even in my busy life I make time to text those near and dear to my heart or a short pick up the phone and say hello and they do the same.

There are people in my life that have made me who I am today. I had dinner and drinks with an old friend from my hometown and I realized that it didn't matter how long we'd been a part we still got up to some of the same old antics that we did when we were younger. She is one of those friends that changed my life. She taught me how to have fun, how to have confidence and how to believe that I had “it”.

I have a friend that no matter the day, time or situation she will listen. She forces me to be bigger than I know myself to be. She also doesn't put up with any of my excuses or reasons for not doing something. I can also call and tell her about the dumbest thing I've done and although she may call me an idiot she doesn't judge me because its the same from me to her. She's taught me not to listen to that little voice inside my head and she's been my cheerleader when I was ready to throw in the towel. She's been there through good, bad, great, ugly, messy, stupid and down right delusional (hey, I'm female we have those moments and anyone that says they don't is lying!)

Friends will come in and out of your life, but I truly believe that each one is intended to teach you a lesson and that although it may be sad when they go or the distance between you grows what you need to do is celebrate that it happened and take the lesson the two of you shared and carry that forward.

Life is not measure but the number of friends you have, it's measured by the person you are and the person you want to become and your friends play a part in that.

Obsession: Music

A pair of my favorite earrings

There are about 1 million and 3 things that I could talk about when it comes to this topic. The thought of just having to pick one seems a little depressing, so this may be part 1 of a series, we'll see...

Music has been and always will be a really large part of my life. Music has been there for me, when no one else was. To me music is that one friend you can always count on, because no matter what, all it takes is the push of a button to start a conversation with this friend.

Where did my obsession with music begin? My brother. He's always been big into music as well and there was always different types of music and different bands coming from the stereo in his room, growing up. Some of them I became instantly in love with and some of them I would put my own headphones on to drown out the god awful sound. We didn't always see eye to eye on musical tastes. I'm certain when I went through my New Kids on The Block phase or Backstreet Boys phase we was plotting ways to destroy my CD's so I would stop playing those songs over and over again. I like to think of those times as payback for the Metallica blaring out of his speakers, which I didn't grow to appreciate till much later in life.

Music has the power to bubble up a fountain of emotion from deep inside you. There is a song for every moment. Look at the movies, they rely on music to help you experience the moment, when sometimes the actors aren't doing a very good job at the acting part. Danger music when someone's being chased, light and romantic when 2 actors are falling in love, it all aids in the experience. Crazy, not really. If you were paying attention I bet you can remember the song that was playing in the background the first time that cute boy asked you out, first dance, first kiss, first time you fell in love, first break-up, and the first moment where you felt powerful beyond measure. I know I can remember most of those songs. I relied on music when the mean girls in school would not let up with the teasing. Music is there for me to help me remember my deceased Grandparents. Music is there when I've had a rough day and need to escape the world for a little while.

When you listen to music you are instantly taken to a different place. This place makes you want to cry, or scream, or, in my case, dance because I think we're all clear on my obsession with dancing. Just like dancing, music is a way of expressing yourself when you just can't seem to find the words.

Musical tastes are different for everyone, and I say, don't let anyone make fun of you for the band or singer that you love. They obviously strike a chord with you and if that music makes a difference for you, then listen to it! I have everything in my iTunes from death metal, to punk, to pop, to opera, to classical, and yes, even a little country. I have a playlist in my iTunes that are some of my favorites, these songs have been my favorites for as long as I can remember. They hold powerful memories for me and every time I listen to them I fall in love with them all over again. Here's a small little sampling, if you click on the song it will take you to a link in YouTube...

My Hero - Foo Fighters
Blueberry Hill - Louis Armstrong
Quiet In My Town - Civil Twilight
Beautiful Day- U2
Nightswimming - REM
Perfection Through Silence - Finch
Like a Prayer - Madonna
La Vie En Rose - Louis Armstrong
Non Believer - La Rocca
Cello Suite no.1 - Bach
Summertime - Will Smith
Here Comes a Regular - The Replacements

OK, this list could go on forever!

Like I said there is a ton I can talk about when it comes to this topic, but the only thing left in this moment for me to say is....Thank you. Thank you to the artists, musicians, producers, and technicians involved in making the music. You make the music that makes a difference for someone and to me, that's a pretty big deal, so thanks.

Losing Your Way....

Been in a little bit of a cave as of late, but thanks to a truthful conversation with an important somebody in my life I'm peaking my head out. I started this journey knowing that my M.O and pattern is to bail, punk out and I've done that several times along the way. This time has been particularly interesting. The universe came knocking pretty loud yesterday and as I was channel surfing, I stopped on one of those CW TV shows and in grand universe fashion here's what was said...

"and Hansel said to Gretel " Let us drop those bread crumbs so that together we find out way home, because losing our way would be the most cruelest of things." This year I lost my way. Losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted 8 month, sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn't me who had arrived, it wasn't me at all. Once you loose yourself you have two choices - find the person you used to be or loose that person completely, because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you are meant to be, the person you want to be, the person you are. " 


Do I have what it takes? do I have it inside of me to give everything I have to turn my life into what I want it to be and be the person I was meant to be? 

The Question At Hand....

I used to think that making decisions and choices was simply. As humans we do it everyday, almost every moment. Do I want drip coffee or a latte? Do I want to wear those shoes with this outfit or those ones? Do I want to answer this phone call or don't I? Do I want to take this great job offer or don't I? Do I want to go on this date or not? My filter for making the tough decisions has always been "Will my decision make this person happy, mad or sad?" and "What's the easiest way to not have this person be upset with me?" or "What's the easiest most simply choice that will provide the least amount of effort?"

I've been fighting this wicked headache all day, and I'm not someone that get's headaches. As I type this blog post working through this subject, weighing on my mind, my headache is subsiding. So my question is this. When do we stop making decisions and choices based on what will make other's happy and start making them based on what's best for me and my life and when you start doing this, what is the cost?"

Discipline

So I'm gonna tell one on myself. This last bit has been a bit of a struggle. I've watched my weight hover at the 10lbs loss mark, not really taking the initiative to get it moving. Yesterday I was having a particularly difficult day, my back was super tense, stiff, and what I like to call "pinchy." So I decided to have one of my infamous conversations with myself to see WTF. I quickly zeroed in on one small fact about my life, which blew open one giant door and have been standing in this new doorway most of the day. What is this small fact you ask...

DISCIPLINE

When I think back, all the waaaay back, to growing up I don't ever really remember being disciplined, grounded, scolded.... OK there is this one time my brother and I were fighting at the grocery store and my mom made us walk home, but other than that I don't really recall. Now, you may be thinking " That's because you were a good child Nikki?" I laugh and will simply say, what my Mumma doesn't know won't hurt her. Mumma, if you're reading this, don't ask please. Growing up I never really did my homework, or left it till the very last moment and was given whatever I asked for 75% of the time. Don't get me wrong I have really great parents, that did the best they knew how and I'm totally thankful for that, but clearly didn't learn about discipline, so I took to the internet to do a little reading on the subject. 

I read this short series on Self-Discipline by Steve Pavlina (click here for link). There was one sentence that stuck out most in the six part series. "Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state. Imagine what you could accomplish if you could simply get yourself to follow through on your best intentions no matter what" So what pops into my head when I read that? I SO WANT THAT!

After reading this article and standing in the doorway most of the day, I saw how this lack of discipline and played out in my life. It rears its ugly head the most when it comes to the areas of health, weight, finances and career. I spent a few hours reading up on discipline, self discipline, how it applies to academics, military, etc. There is tons of information out there, just Google "self discipline". Gotta love Google. 

There is only one thing I can think of and I read this in one of the many articles I came across "there is no greater reason for self-discipline, than a vision for your life" When I think about my life, it's the very reason I started writing this blog in the first place, to be different, to change the habits, so that's what I'm gonna get re-focused on doing. As stated in Steve Pavilna's article I will start small, one day at a time. It's like building a muscle, the muscle is weak at first, but with exercise it gets stronger! 

Time to get stronger!!! 

Obsession: Dancing

So here's the deal....

For as long as I can remember I have loved to shake the booty, do a lil jig, bop up and down, get my groove on, cut a rug.... OK I have run out of dance expressions, moving right along...

I have totally been busted, by a patio full of peeps, dancing  "risky business, tom cruise" style  around my house in my underwear, more than once. I dance around at work and can't begin to tell you how much staff and patrons all laugh and join in! I think it steams from this inability I have to sit still and my other obsession: music (stay tuned for that blog post). Even when I am sitting in a chair, my leg is bouncing or I have this song playing in my head and I am dancing to it. I can't help it, I hear music and I dance. 


I admit that my first love will always be Kevin Costner movies (no this love does not include The Postman, no one can love that movie, sorry Kevin), but I also have this addiction to dance shows (So You Think You Can Dance & Dancing With The Stars) and movies about dancing, yes even the cheesy ones. That list includes CenterStage, Step Up and yes Step Up 2: The Streets, Footloose & Flashdance. The list goes on!  Come on, who doesn't love Dirty Dancing? "No body puts Baby in a corner" classic and then they do this really....well here watch it for yourself! 

Dancing is one of those activities that no matter your mood you can dance it out. I have yet to find a song that I can't dance to. Watching people dance can be a very emotional experience. I know a few times I have been moved to tears while watching a couple dance. Take a look...

Dancing is a great way to express yourself and there are some that are truly gifted in this area. I've taken a couple classes at a dance center here in town and am AMAZED at some of the talent the teachers have. I dance because it feels natural, it feels good and its great exercise. 


So if your happy and you know it.... DANCE. I know I sure do! 


And just because this blog post wouldn't be complete without it....

Family.....

Mumma & I (taken a few years ago)

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you.      ~Desmond Tutu~

So, I read the above quote today, it made me giggle, then the first thought that entered my head was “What did I do to piss off God?” Then I thought a little more and realized I have quite possibly the best family in the world....

I have an older brother, and God bless him i swear it's his personal mission in life to torment me. There was a time in our relationship where we couldn't stand to be in the same room as each other. If we were and more than 5mins had passed, name calling and fighting ensued. Then one day, during an exercise in a course we took together I got my relationship with my brother back. It was quite possibly one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. See I have one of those older brothers, that although at times lift has dealt him a few blows he may stay down for a few minutes, but he will get up dust of his knees and start going at it again. He is also the kind of big brother that when he gets an idea in his head he runs full tilt. He has more passion, courage and strength in his pinky finger than I think I have in my entire body. I'm thankful I have him in my corner, no matter how many times he punches, shoves and makes fun of me.

I have a mother, that I swear is an Angel sent from above. This is a lady that after 27 years of marriage decided that she deserved better and reinvented herself. She'd been with my father since high school and went, pretty much, from her parents home to her married home. She is also the type of mother that let me and my brother make our mistakes but no matter what, the minute we turned around, was standing right there with open arms for hugs, a wash cloth for scrapes and bruises, an aspirin for a hangover, and words of wisdom when a boy or girl had broken our heart. She is also the mother that when her daughter is lying in a hospital bed having just come back from the verge of death leans over and says “So help me God if you think of leaving this earth before me, I will kill you myself.” She is my best friend and my hero. If I can be half the mother to my kids as she was to me, they will be some seriously lucky kids.

I have a father, that all I can say is he battles his demons on a regular basis. He trains me in the art of forgiveness, letting go, and loving someone no matter what. I know he loves me.

Of my Grandparents, I have one Grandmother that is still with me here on earth and although she is my father's mom, her my and mom are cut from the same cloth. She never lets you forget just  how truly special you are. She isn't afraid to give her opinion about the boy you're dating and makes it very clear is she thinks you deserve better. She is also not afraid to give you the “Grandmother eyes” if she thinks you're being a brat. She is also the kind of Grandmother that when your father disappoints you and leaves you crying in a bus depot, calls you a few times to ensure you're ok and reminds you about just how loved you are.

Then there there is the, what feels like, gazillion aunts, uncles and cousins I have. I may not see them once a week, or sometimes not even once a month, but when you do see them, the minute your aunt wraps her arms around you, you can feel the love she generates. I have the kind of uncles that mistakenly dials your number and confuses you with his daughter and it makes you giggle. I also have the kind of uncles that,  when your father disappoints you, they take time our of their busy schedule and take you for coffee just to make sure you know its not your fault. I have the kinds of aunts and uncles that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I ever needed them, would be there in a flash, no matter how long its been since we've seen each other. I have the kinds of cousins that take a day off to sit in the hospital with you and that check in via text of email just to see how you're doing. I can say that my family is a giant fruit salad topped off with a couple nuts.

So yeah, God's gift to me truly is my family because the feeling I get when I think about my family, is a feeling that I wouldn't trade for all the riches in the world.