Style...

So I’ve gotten a few emails regarding my “Doing Me” post (click here to read), with peeps requesting that I do another post on the list of 10 from the article I linked to. After looking and re-looking at the list I’m certain I could write a post on each one, so that I shall, but I’m not doing them in order…

#9. Follow Your Own Style

“Style” can refer to many different things, music, fashion, hairstyle, attitude, format, and so on. For the sake of this post I’m going to use the word in the context of “personal style” equalling attitude and appearance.

When I think of ladies that I would consider style icons I think of Sarah Jessica Parker, Audrey Hepburn, Gwen Stefani and Lady Gaga, to name a few. I also picture designers like Diane Von Furstenberg, Chanel and Vivien Westwood. Each of these woman have a unique and signature look that is all their own, some classic to some extreme, but what they all have in common is that they have never waived from who they are, from their signature look. Sure, every now and again they make take a slight detour, but they always return to the very core of who they are.

When I think of personal style the person I always think of first is my friend Celeste, she played a big part in the development of my personal style, because she taught me the biggest lesson of all. Style is not just about the clothes you wear, the amount of makeup you have on or the color of your hair, it’s about your attitude too. It is the combination of those two things that make up your personal style.   

I look back at pictures from years past and I cringe at some of my “phases” that I went through. The big bangs, the turtlenecks, the patterns that a plus size girl, should really not be wearing and it makes me giggle. I look at my closet today and I’m certain there are fashion guru’s out there that would have an opinion about some of my outfits, but it boils down to me being comfortable.  I work in fashion retail and over the years I’ve seen trends, colors, and styles do full circles a number of times. I can’t say I tend to follow the trends. I wear what I want to wear, the colors I want to wear and I don’t care if they are in season or not.

Finding your own style takes time, a few mistakes and a little bit of tender, love and care to develop. It’s made up of things that make you, you. Finding that signature color that marks your personality, no matter how many people tease or bug you about it, it forever remains your favorite color.  Finding that addiction to cutting up shirts and t-shirts alike to make it unique despite the fact someone thinks you are ruining a perfectly good shirt. Also, playing with eyeliner, eye shadows, blushes and lipsticks, painting the blank canvas that is your face, till you look in the mirror and a smile, but the biggest thing is that your personal style is also always changing. As you grow, mature, develop (both physically and mentally) your style changes.

All I can say is, find yours, not someone else’s, never apologize for it and no matter what, smile. A smile is the most beautiful accessory of all.  

Namaste the F*@k...

Before I get started, I would like to state that I am just as guilty of this as the next person, however, I am making a HUGE conscious effort to shift my thinking. Twice, over the last few of days I’ve had this conversation with different peeps and felt compelled to write about it. I promise not to make it too much of a rant.

As someone that takes on my personal growth, like a hyena takes on hunting baby lions, there is one thing I have become frustrated with. This ideal seems to have developed, that to “manifest” something into existence all you need to do is focus on it. Think positive about it, repeat positive affirmations, create a vision board, stare at it every day and be thankful to the universe for bringing it to you, or as I like to call it…Namaste the f*@k out of that sucker!

Here’s the pitfall that I and so many have fallen victim to. “Well I Namaste’d the f*@k out of that sucker and it didn’t work. “Manifesting” is garbage, doesn’t work.”

People have used that as an excuse, YOU STILL HAVE TO TAKE ACTION. I can Namaste the f*@k out of wanting to lose weight and get healthy, but unless I am actually eating right and exercising and taking actions to move me towards that goal, I can pray for it all I want, won’t help. You want to win/make millions of dollars. You write a big fat cheque to yourself, you great a vision board about wealth, but did you buy a lottery ticket? Did you talk to your boss about a raise?  Did you apply for a higher paying job? You want to meet the man of your dreams. You write out a list of qualities and attributes, perhaps pull a few photos from magazines and post them. However, if you sit at home every night, don’t go out to different places and make an effort to put yourself in situations where said man may be…do you honestly think the take out delivery man is going to be the one?  Have I made my point?

The other key to this, aside from action, is your heart, mind and eyes need to be open. You need to give up all expectation of what it is going to look like. Last time I checked Brad Pitt was with Angelina Jolie, so trying to “manifest” Brad isn’t going to happen.  Jennifer Lopez is still alive and well and requires her body, so trying to “manifest” her body, not going to happen.

Taking action requires moving forward, moving in life is essential to expanding and it is when you begin to expand that, I believe, the universe aligns itself with your desires.

I think I did pretty well with not ranting….

Childlike Enthusiasm...

“Put yourself into life and never lose your openness, your childish enthusiasm throughout the journey that is life, and things will come your way” ~Fredirico Fellini~

I remember growing up, as a wee little girl, sitting in my room for hours, dreaming of the life I was going to one day have. All the really great things in life I was going to accomplish, the things I was going change in the world.

I was going to live in a huge plantation style house, with a mile long drive way that will be lined with big trees and cherry blossoms. A wrap around balcony with a chair swing, a lake off to one side, a big tree in the backyard with a tire swing for the kids to play on. I could go on for hours of the dreams I used to have. What happened? When did we stop dreaming and just starting going with the motions of life?

Last night I was walking in the rain, with a friend and we were walking through a public garden exploring the different spaces, climbing through and around the different boxes. Feeling the flowers, the plants, even tasting a couple trying to figure out what they were. I stopped for a brief moment to just listen to the rain and watch it fall. It was so gentle, so soft, and peaceful, it was idyllic. In that moment it felt like I was holding hands with that little girl that loved to play in the puddles and dream. I was quickly snapped back to reality to my cell phone buzzing away and my friend calling to keep walking.  It was the most fun I’ve had in a really long time.

Where has the child like enthusiasm for life gone? Has it been replaced with adult responsibilities and proper behavior?

I don’t know about you, but I want more moments like last night and fewer moments widdling my worry stick sitting in my rocking chair full of concerns and adult responsibilities.

Gift of Life...

Today I received some news that a dear friend of mine has passed away. I am still processing the sadness and grief around his loss. He was one of the most caring, generous and loving men I know. My last conversation with him he said to me “Don’t shrink Nikki, the world needs to see your greatness. “ I know that he would not want me sitting around grieving his loss, he would expect me to crack a beer and watch a football game. Every Monday during football season, a few years back, we sat in a pub and he tried as hard as hell to explain the game to me, never quite got it.

There was one thing he and I had in common, heart troubles, which forced us both to appreciate the gift that is life. I was forced to face, at the age of 20, that I am not as indestructible as I thought I was and you may not get a second chance, like I did, to live life so appreciate it, live it, love it.

I had a pacemaker implanted after my heart decided to take an extended vacation because the electrical system was broken. I remember that moment everything started to go black, I could hear the monitors behind me start to make all sorts of sounds, and I remember watching the nurses and dr.’s rush towards me. The next thing I remember is watching them work on me for a long time. Yes, you read that right, I watched it all; all the needles, all the compressions, the paddles, I saw it all. I then remember blinking and looking back up at all the dr.’s and nurses and starting to cry. After that I don’t remember much until my mom walked around the corner, saw me laying there with all the tubes and machines beeping away. She kissed me on the forehead and said “Don’t you dare die before me, understand missy?” I knew from that moment on that I was given a second chance at life, to live it, embrace and enjoy it.

So, if you fought with someone today, weather you were right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. Call them or look at them and apologize and let them know how much you love them. Kiss your kids and appreciate the blessing they are, no matter how badly they make you want to pull your hair out. Give thanks for the amazing person your wife/husband/girlfriend/ boyfriend is. That friend that you haven’t spoken to for quite some time, but they pop into your mind, pick up the phone, call, write, email, get in touch with them. Tick those items off your bucket list. Start that hobby you put down because you never have the time. Just do it.

Life truly is a gift, don’t take it for granted, appreciate it, live it and love every minute of it. 

A Moment...

Sometimes you experience a moment, just this brief period of time where you are looking up at the full moon, shining so brightly, and you start to smile and what comes rushing in is this overwhelming sense of hope, joy, but most of all…peace. In this brief moment you can feel that everything is going to be ok, that you are going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is that moment where you can exhale. You can exhale all the worry, all the anger, all the sadness that you’ve been holding on to. You being to breathe again and you soak in the moment and you smile. 

Undergoing Major Renovations…

There are times when you start to make some really big decisions in your life and you begin to realize how deep those previous choices have run. I recently stripped myself bare of a fair chunk of things I used to believe in and hold as personal truths. Being stripped of these, is not a bad thing, but it leaves you feeling like an old house that has been stripped, left with only its frame. For many, many years you paint over colors, put up wall paper, paint over that, rip up the floor and put down laminate, not real hard wood, but it will do.  Sooner or later you get so tired and stuck in a rut you bring in a demo crew and all that’s left standing is the foundation and the frame. Leaving you feeling naked and vulnerable to the elements of the world, but one the other hand completely excited about the new house you get to build and live in for years and years to come.

Being naked and vulnerable is kind of scary because you’re first instinct is to rush in with old habits and ways of operating to protect yourself, but you try every time to remember that it’s those old habits and old thought patterns that got you here and because you are hell bend on not putting up the same ol’ ugly wallpaper you try your hardest to get comfortable being naked. Each day taking one step forward and try with all your might to re-build a house that can withstand any earthquake, flood, tornado or hurricane that the universe can throw at it.

Rebuilding one piece of plywood at a time, one piece of drywall at a time, one can of primer at a time, one can of beautiful brightly colored paint at a time because this is your chance to paint the mosaic you’ve always wanted to; your chance to rebuild your house on your own terms, no one else’s. Your strength to take on such a large renovation comes from having such a strong foundation. My foundation consists of the raw determination that is inside of me to never settle, never give up, to always go kicking and screaming. It is then reinforced with the strength of my friends and family who are always right there to help with the hard parts.

When was the last time you were comfortable being naked? 

Decisions...

"Standing at a fork in the road...not sure what road to take, to follow the path lit for me or down the un-lit path and whatever lies ahead in the darkness?"

So today has been one of those difficult days. I had a decision laid in my lap that would drastically alter the course of my life. I am someone that is always very methodical in my choices, as previously stated I play it safe, I made decisions that kept me comfortable and kept me safe. I also talk to everyone that I can before I make my decision and I make my choice based on what other people’s reaction that could possibly be affected by my decision.  Kinda f*cked up isn’t it.

This morning I had a decision laying in front of me, all the people I’d normally talk to were either at work or not answering my phone. It quickly became apparently clear that as someone that makes decisions putting others first, was going to have to put myself first and make this decision on my own, this is when the tears started flowing. So I started the coffee machine, because let’s face it no major decisions should be made before coffee. Then I pulled out my journal and started writing. I seem to remember having this dream of building a business. What happened to that dream?  What happened to all the passion I had for life? To lose weight, get healthy, start my company…where did that go? When did I lose it? Did I lose it when I got into a relationship? Is my desire to make a big change coming from that I have set my life up with people, places and things that hold me accountable to those dreams and because I haven’t fulfilled on that I want to run away and do the “start over” mentality? Isn’t that what I’m always doing? Where did I lose my passion and drive? In an effort to stall this exploration I went to Youtube and had some videos saved and so I began to watch them. You see being human we come up with really great ways of distracting ourselves when we are about to peel a layer of the onion, but low and behold Youtube Gods were against me having a distraction. Damn them!  There was one video I must have watched at least 20 times, specifically at 1:05 – 2:33.

"I'm gonna show you how great I am..."

That is a speech from the movie Rocky Balboa, say what you want about that film, but listening to that gave me a sense of relief. My 2012 thus far has been one knock down after the other. I have spent more time on my knees, laying in the dirt than I have standing at times, it seems. I have wanted to stay there, but you see, I have these really great friends and family and little voice in my head that just won’t let me.  The great thing about losing things, is that you can find them again and find what inspired you about it and keep moving forward. Doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up. If that’s the case, bring it. 

I made the decision, and although it was carefully disguised as a great opportunity, it was an opportunity that would have kept me safe and kept me playing small. I made the best choice for me and funny enough when my decision was made, my mom phoned, my friends texted back, that's how I knew this was something I had to do alone, no one else could do it for me. So, let's get a move on.