Not Worth It...

Grade 6, Harwood Elementary during a dance at lunch time; I’m wearing this floral jumper (thank you mother) and I’m standing at the edge of the gym. One of the “popular” boys walks over to me and asks me to dance. To say I was over the moon would be an understatement, I was so excited and there was nothing that could ruin that experience for me, well almost nothing. I finish dancing with this boy and walked back over to the side of the gym and over walks one of the “popular” girls and she says “I had to pay him to do that because you’re too ugly, he never would have done it if I didn’t.”  In that moment the only thought that went through my head was “I’m not worth it.” 

I can remember from that point on really starting to put on weight, since I knew the kids thought I wasn’t worth it, I was going to prove to the teachers I was, so I would help out in the office at lunch answering phones. I would help out in Kindergarten classes before and after school and for the most part I started to get along really well with adults, but not really with kids my age.  I could spend hours outlining how this background theme music has played out in my life, as mentioned in my previous post, tears have been shed and I was left feeling exposed and naked to a certain extent. Now, I know we all have events like this in our lives that have shaped how our lives have played out. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with my life, because I’m blessed in soooooo many ways and have people and experiences that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Bottom line, this background theme music no longer serves the game I’m out to play in life.

“I’m not worth it” is not something that I can just hit the stop button on and have it be done. It is as engrained in me as breathing. Even since making this discovery on Sunday I’ve caught myself doing things with that music playing. The goal, or my focus, is to hit the pause button as often as I can, hit stop on occasion, but I know there will always be times that this background music will play. I just want to shrink the length of time it plays and the frequency with which it plays. I am no longer willing to have my self-worth be defined by that incident in elementary school. The “popular” kids were doing what they thought they had to do to get through high school. I’m not condoning their behavior, as I’m certain some would label it a form of bullying, but it will no longer control what music plays in the background of my life.

As someone that is a LOVER of really great music, there are too many great songs that could play instead. So, what tune do you need to change? 

Update Time….

It’s been a little while since I’ve done an update…mostly because I’ve been avoiding writing to you all, but thanks to 2 “soldiers of greatness” that I’m blessed to have in my life, avoidance is slowly no longer becoming a valid option. If there is one thing in my life that I’ve never been very good at it has been embracing my humanity and that I do, not and probably never will, do things perfectly. I’m not very good at “cutting myself some slack”.  I inevitably set the bar so high that an Olympic athlete couldn’t achieve it and when I don’t I treat myself like garbage. Expectations are something that we all set and sometimes we are really great at communicating them, but most of the time we don’t. When someone fails to meet those that we set, we go about punishing them for not meeting those expectations; I do this with myself in a highly self-destructive way.

Now, I believe that personal growth and development is never over, it’s kind of like an onion; each step you take is like peeling back the layer of one. Like humans, onions are made up of many, many layers and you could spend lots of time slowly peeling back these layers. There are people in this world that don’t care about the state of their onion and there are people that read books to think about peeling their onion. There are even people that go to therapy to have someone do the peeling for them, then there are the people, like me, that do the best I can to rip the layers of the onion off and sometimes, like Sunday, a whole chunk gets removed and you feel naked and vulnerable, like you’re not entirely certain how you’re going to deal with feeling so exposed.

Some of you may remember that a little while back I did a blog post about this recurring sentence that was always going through my head, “I’m fat and ugly, please be my friend”. Well, thanks to my “soldiers of greatness” I have peeled back another layer of that and discovered what’s really there is “I’m not worth it.” So, for the last couple days I’ve been sitting with the impact of this discovery on my life. I traced it all the way back to the exact moment that I first said that to myself and from that point forward I can see how my life has played out with this running as my background theme music. This has been the source of some, ok a lot, of tears over the last couple days, but today I feel a sense of relief. There were points today where I heard that L’Oreal commercial slogan “You’re worth it” running through my head and it’s made me giggle. I will talk more about this in my next blog post. So with that…

I’ve not being doing what I said I was going to do around a lot of goals I outlined at the beginning of the year (insert goals blog post). For this, I’m sorry. Some you readers have sent emails asking me what’s going on, so I apologize, this post is officially confirmation that I am back on the wagon!

This week (yes, I know it’s Wednesday, but so far I’m on track)…

1. 3 blog posts

2.  A minimum of 30 mins of exercise 6/7 days. Yoga, additional walking & gym visits have been the theme so far this week, so we’ll continue with those

3.  Research and narrow down volunteer opportunities that I want to take on. Specifically around elderly people, because I love their wisdom and spending time with them. I miss giving back.

4.  Reading, 30 mins a day – have some books I’ve been avoiding.

5.   Facing the music, no matter what, at my weigh in this week at Weight Watchers.

6.  Practicing and repeating to myself however many times is necessary “I’m worth it”

A Gift...

This is going to be one of those posts where it’s about something I feel I need to write, but not really certain how it’s going to turn out. In addition to that, it also scares the crap out of me and every fiber of my being is screaming to not write it, so away we go…

Have you ever loved someone so much that you swore if they were ever not in your life, you may not be able to breathe, or you may not be able to find the will to live? I have and if there is one thing that I can say is, you will. You will learn to breathe without them and your life will go on because you’ll know that the love you felt for this person has changed who you were at your core.

I have loved a boy since high school and he is an incredibly special boy, no not rides the short bus special.  This boy has no idea how special, talent and amazing he truly is. Mostly it’s because he was the first, and so far only, boy that I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt I loved and he is the one that taught me how to love another with no conditions and no expectations. To say that I took this for granted and was an idiot with this love would be an understatement. I didn’t appreciate or respect it because I didn’t understand it at the time, it wouldn’t be until years later that I realized what I felt for him.

I think that once you love someone to your core, it changes the very fiber of your being and you are never the same person. Love has the ability to make you a better person, gives you this uncanny ability to be able to apologize to them when you’re wrong and most of all, it provides you with the ability to forgive. Forgiveness is not something that has come very easily for me. Like most people I’ve put myself through and have been put through many events in my life that have required forgiveness and for the most part I’ve withheld it, until now.  It is because of love that I feel that I am now able to begin to forgive and where that is going to start is with me.  Loving myself enough to forgive myself for my mistakes and to treat myself with more respect and honor that previously wasn’t there because I wasn’t open to love.

So, to this boy, I say thank you. Thank you for teaching me about love, how to love and most of all for being a part of my life. Weather you know it or not, I love you and am thankful and grateful for the lesson you taught me.  I hope one day to be able to return the gift you’ve given me. 

Mistakes...

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. ~George Bernard Shaw~

To make mistakes is as natural as breathing. I don’t think anyone can go through the day without making 1, 2, 3, 4, 500 mistakes.  I think that it is what you do with that mistake that makes the difference.

I will be the first to admit that I have made my fair share of mistakes in life; mistakes in my career, friendships, relationships, family, finances and most of all my health. Some of them….I would like to take back, but most of them I learnt some pretty valuable lessons from and those lessons have help form the woman that I am today and despite a few flaws,  happen to think has the potential to be pretty fantastic as soon as I get out of my own way.

Where I think the hook is, is applying those lessons on an ongoing basis and trying your hardest not to make the same mistakes over and over again. This is where I think I would get a failing grade. I say I want to be in a relationship, but then I turn around and am settling for, well let’s just say someone that is less than my dream guy. Creating bad karma for any future relationship is not how I care to move forward in life. I say I want to be healthy and I’ve done nothing but turn my back on my weight loss goals, with some pretty valid excuses, but they are just that excuses. Just like mistakes, they are just mistakes and at each moment you and I have a choice to correct, fix, and/or apologize for those mistakes that are negatively impacting our life.

Happiness and moving forward is a choice. It’s a choice you have to make every day and during a particularly difficult time, sometimes you have to choose happiness every moment. I’ve been in, what feels like, a backwards slide for about 3 weeks and have felt like just giving up, throwing in the towel, but is that really worth it? My mistakes, they are just that, mine and its because their mine that I get to say how, and for how long they will impact my life. Pull the lesson from them, move on and let them be.

I either read this somewhere or someone said it to me, regardless….

“Life is like driving, sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s painful and sometimes you hit a speed bump that bottoms you out, but don’t get stuck on the speed bump too long because you’ll miss out on the journey to your destination and the great scenery along the way.” 

My Old BFF...

Since I wrote my blog post about my Little Red Worry Wagon, it’s the first time, in a few months, that I`ve felt like I have taken a sizeable step forward which has been anything  but easy. My favorite sentence has become ``put down the handle to the wagon Nicole, you picked it up, not put it down.`` What this has also opened up is me noticing the situations in which I pick up the handle, or what`s going through my head when I realize I`ve been holding the handle for a few hours, or a whole day.  What`s that old saying about how long it takes to break a habit and form a new one….21 repetitions?

So I’ve been reading this book called “The Power”, it is by the same lovely lady that wrote “The Secret”.  I have been moving through this book slowly, and by doing so it has been like being repeatedly hit over the head with a baseball bat, golf club or hockey stick, pick your weapon of choice. It has, however, forced me to acknowledge the extent that I go to bed every night, wake up every morning with, cuddle with, brush my teeth with, and make out with my BFF Negativity.

It’s funny, if you’d asked me if I consider myself to be a negative person I would probably tell you no, that I consider myself to be a fairly optimistic/glass half full type girl. Turns out, not so much! What I have noticed is that my relationship with negativity runs deeper than that. It is almost an ingrained belief in myself that is as natural as putting on mascara or brushing my teeth.  Little things happen and I have a reaction to it which I’ve noticed starts this whole circle/cycle of negativity and if there is one thing that this book is hammering home it is that, what you give out comes back.  So in conjunction with putting down the handle to my little red wagon I’ve taken on letting go of negativity.

Now I’m not saying that I’m going to be one of those chipper, happy perky people that’s not what I’m talking about, if you’ve met me, you’d know that sarcasm is my other BFF and it’s a part of my charm and humor. What I’m talking about working on is those, what at times, seem automatic opinions and judgements. For example, I see a girl sitting on a bus and she’s got on this cute dress. I say to myself “cute dress wish I could wear something like that” and then proceed to roll through the list of reasons why I can’t in my head and before I know it I have belittled myself to a tiny pea. It’s that automatic response that I’ve gone to work on. I’m stopping now at “Wow, that’s a cute dress”. I’m giving out compliments and gratitude and taking that bat that I’ve been hitting myself with and hitting the negativity balls out of the park. Ok, just realized that I need to work on my sports metaphors.

If the universe gives back what you give out, there is no way that I want negativity back, so I’m gonna stop giving it out. If what I want in life is love, faith, gratitude and beauty for everyone, then that is what I have to give out.

FYI – if you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend it

A Few of My Favorites...

I spend a lot of time focusing on where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm being that sometimes I forget to look up and enjoy what is right in front of me, so I decided to take a side step and share with you all a few of my favorite things! It's similar to my Things That Make Me Smile post, but as I've said before sometimes you need to stop and focus on the little things to appreciate the big things when they happen!

Favorite......

Color: Hmmmm this one is probably a given, if not look at the main color of my blog! I have friends that cringe when I wear my favorite color, and my staff at work won't let me buy anything that is my favorite color! I don't care though. Pink is a very tender, soothing and happy color!

Flower: I love the playfulness of Gerber Daisies and the elegance of Lilies

Moment: The feeling after you finish this really amazing workout where you know you left your insides in the gym!

Way to spend a free afternoon: With someone I love! Now, this doesn't necessarily mean a man, however not completely discounted, it does mean someone that means the world to me.... friends, family, or simply a yummy cup of coffee :)

Book: Romeo & Juliet (this would probably be my favorite movie as well, but I have yet to find a really great version, so alas my second favorite book is my favorite movie :)

Movie: Pride & Prejudice

Song: Blueberry Hill - Louis Armstrong. Yes, I know Fats Domino was the original singer, but I love Louis' version better, sorry Fats!

Food: I would be happy if the only thing I had left to eat for the rest of my life was fruit. I love all kinds of fruit! Pineapple, Kiwi, Strawberries, Banana's, Grapes, the list goes on and on!

Sound: Music. Note the period after the word. I love all types, styles and kinds of music. One of my biggest fears is losing my hearing and the ability to hear the amazing melodies and sounds that the musical geniuses come out with.

Brand of Make-Up: Well as most of you know I'm a little bit of a make-up junkie but I don't know if I'd say if I have a favorite make-up brand. There are definalty a lot of REALLY great brands out there, some expensive and some inexpensive. I would say that if it has great color payoff, lasting power, doesn't make me break out and they don't test on animals, they are a favorite. What I'm not a fan of though, is charging through the nose for a tube of lip gloss or eye-shadow, come on, seriously, $28 for a tube of lip gloss?

Animal: Mountain Gorilla. I'm not sure why, but I have always been in love with this animal. Growing up I wanted to follow in the foot steps of Dian Fossey and to this day not really sure why I didn't...hmmm....

And then here are a few things that don't fall under any specific category, but for some reason I feel the need to include them...

1. Dancing around my apartment to music, channeling Tom Cruise from Risky Business!
2. Hugging my Mumma, my Grams or my nieces
3. Curling up with a really, really great book
4. Having a really wicked conversation with someone new

What are some of your favorite things?

My Little Red Wagon...

So I’ve been on vacation for exactly 6 days now. I’ve spent time with my nieces, went for a hike, enjoyed the sun and for 80% of the time enjoying my time off, but there is that leftover 20% that has been sitting right behind me every time that I turn around, I call it my Little Red Worry Wagon. I believe that most people have one of these little red wagons and that some have a fuller wagon while the person next to them may not be pulling their wagon at all because they’ve been blessed with, what I like to call, the “free spirit gene”. I believe that the contents of your wagon changes when you get married, have kids, or maybe even make a big change in your life that we aren’t 100% certain about. But, none the less there you are pulling your little red wagon, cursing the free spirit next to you, all the while wishing, hoping and maybe even prayer that one day soon you’ll be able to leave your little red worry wagon at home.  

Over the last few weeks, ok well if I’m honest, few months, I feel as if my little red worry wagon has been controlling my life to a certain degree. It has defiantly been dictating the amount of sleep I get, wether I eat or not because there have been times over the last few months that I feel as if my little red wagon has turned into a big ol’ flatbed truck.  I worry about my health, I worry about my job, my Mumma, my brother, my nieces, my Father, my Grandma, money, friends, you name it  I probably have it packed on my flatbed . Now yes, I have done lots of reading, self-improvement work and intellectually I know that worrying about things only gets me more worry and that I should focus on the things that I can control and forget about the things that I can’t control. For some reason though, that doesn’t seem to help because emotionally it’s all I know how to do, worry.  

The point I’ve gotten to, is that I’m tired. I’m tired of always worrying, wondering, thinking, but most of all I’m tired of pulling my little red wagon. I don’t want to pull it anymore, or I only want to pull it when it is really necessary. I want to channel and uncover my free spirit gene. I believe that all of us have that in us and it’s just a matter of finding it and putting it to use.  Worrying about things can drive a person insane, trust me there have been a couple times over the last month that I thought for certain I either needed to be medicated or put in a white jacket and forced to hug myself till the men in lab coats told me I was ok to interact with the public.

What I’m getting though is that it is a choice; everything in life is a choice.  I choose each day to pick up the handle of my wagon and pull it around. So, if I choose to pick up the handle and pull the wagon then I can also choose to put the handle down and not pull the wagon.  I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason and all you have to do is be open and take life as it comes, good, bad, ugly, pretty and all the stuff in between.

So for right now, I’m putting down the handle to my little red wagon and I encourage you to do the same and although you may pick it back up in a minute or a day don’t worry about it, just remember you choose to pick up the handle so you can choose to put it down.