Pain....

I was laying on a table today crying while my wonderful chiropractor assured me that when she was finished the level of pain I was experiencing would be far less, trusting her I endured what I would call torture. In an effort to distract myself I tried to fill my mind with other things....white fluffy bunnies....nope. Palm trees and sunny beaches....nope. "Oh good lord make the pain stop!" was all that was going through my brain with the occasional " Why me?". Janey completed her exercise, I sat up, wiped away the tears and very slowly stood up. Holy moly BATMAN! After a few minutes of slow movement I felt like a freakin hula dancin' queen! It was awesome. A few hours later the stiffness and discomfort she warned me about is settin' in and it got me thinking about the pain we endure in life, is it all really necessary? My answer.... yes.

Let my make a small note here. I am not talking about the level of pain you experience when you stub your toe, bang your elbow or have a hang nail. I am talking about the level of pain that alters who you are as a human being. The level of pain that which alters your relationship to the world and people around you. The pain you experience when a loved one passes away, the man you thought was the love of your life breaks your heart into a million pieces, or your back spasms and for an hour you swear you will never get off the floor or maybe not ever walk again. That is the level of pain I am talking about.

After giving it some thought, I think that it is these experiences that act as the road markers in your life. It is those experiences that have made me who I am today. For me, my life altering experiences have come in the body/ physical form. For a brief period of time it took an entire team of doctors and nurses to get my heart beating again. Have you ever come to after a very large man has been doing compressions and using paddles on your chest? Several operations to implant a pacemaker and then another couple to get it working properly? Being hooked up to more machines than you can count  and having so many drugs running through your body that you aren't certain weather the leprechaun tickling your feet is real or not? See the look on your mother's face as she turns the corner in your hospital room and in that exact moment having your view of life altered? I've been through that. Seeing my the look on my mother's face and the sheer thought of possibly never seeing it again I learnt to appreciate life, appreciate everything that it gives you, right down to the breathes you take. My second most recent one, my back spasming so bad that I could barely walk and the level of pain I experienced made me legs want to buckle right out from underneath me. This experience has taught me to not take your body for granted because if you push to hard it will push back.

I guess my point is, it doesn't matter how painful you think your experience is, it is happening for a reason. It is preparing you to be able to appreciate those really great moments when they come along. Your broken heart now, over that boy or girl, is only preparing you to REALLY appreciate that one special person when they arrive. Loosing your loved one is showing you to appreciate the gift that life truly is and to celebrate that persons life as it was. The physical pain I am experiencing in my back right now is only preparing me for the big game I am about to take on in the world to make a BIG difference. It is a reminder that to make succeed at this game I have to have a body fit to do that.

As hard as it may seem at this point in time, look at some pain your experiencing and try to see past the pain to the lesson. It may just help you move through the pain a little quicker to get to those really juicy delicious parts of life.

Change....

One of the dumbest things I do is get attached to how things are or how I think things should be.

Change is the only constant that one really has in life. At work, you get a new boss and realize the gaps between the old boss and the new boss or policies and procedures change. In relationships a person's feelings for you can change and that relationship ends. A best friend moves away or a loved one passes away. Come on, as females there is even the saying "it's the female perogative to change her mind."

In knowing this why then do I continuously get upset and bend out of shape about change and the only thing I can come up with is comfort. When there is change there is discomfort and our normal way of operating is disrupted. That being said, change is only uncomfortable until we find a way to navigate the change and you once again return to the world of comfort.


Resisting this fact seems ridiculous, because it isn't going to go away. So how does one navigate in a world where the only constant thing is change. My first reaction, Faith. Faith in myself, that no matter what the change is, I have the tools, skills, knowledge and belief in myself to handle and navigate the change. There's that phrase "belief in myself", one of the harder lessons it appears for me to learn, but one I am not going to shy away from.  Secondly, perhaps it's similar to what I spoke about in my post "Saying Goodbye...". It's about recognizing the change as an opportunity, even though it may not seem like it at the time, but things happen for a reason, right? 


I know one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt, to navigate this world of change you need support. My support is my family, my friends and all of you reading this. Your support system is there when you feel completely overwhelmed and can't see past the inevitable level of fear that comes with change. So, when you briefly return to the world of comfort, before the next change arrives, thank them, love them and be there for them when they are navigating the world of discomfort that has arrived with their change. 

Update w/ An Apology.....

This is gonna be a little big of a different "Update" post because I gots some apologizing to do! 

Update #1: is I have fallen off the health and wellness band wagon. I have been on muscle relaxants for the last 5 days and the level of pain I have been experiencing has scared me beyond which I can find words to describe. On the first day it took me almost 45 minutes to get out of bed and then I thought as a way to stretch my back out I would lay on the floor. Well it took over an hour and a WHOLE LOTTA tears to get up off the floor. The next day a trip to the chiropractor revealed a locked hip and about a dozen pulled muscles from the spasms. Now I know there are some things in life that are true cause and effect, but my instincts tell me that this was on of those polite smack's upside the head to refocus on my goal which I am absolutely not going to question because I NEVER want to experience that level of pain again.

Update #2: you may have noticed that my level of posting blogs has drastically decreased, well almost to nothing. I have a long list of really great excuses as to why I haven't, but that is all they are...excuses. I have gotten some amazing feedback on my blog and the difference that it makes for people and I let that wonderful world of fear creep in.

The Apology....

I am human. I've said it a thousand times before, being human, I am no where near perfect. I will make mistakes, I will screw up and second guess myself a thousand and one times. The really great lesson that I have finally started to learn is to embrace that. I was the Queen of Self-Loathing, beating myself up or making myself wrong for certain decisions. Notice how I used the word....was. The lesson for me in all of this is I'm done. I don't want to be the Queen of that anymore. I don't want to make myself wrong and beat myself up. I may not have been doing those things, but for the first time in a really long time I have still been happy! I am still smiling, I am still living my life on my terms. 

Living my life on my terms is my greatest gift. Learning this lesson has freed me from emotional attachments that I have been allowing to hold me back. That ex-boyfriend that I just couldn't seem to let go of no longer has the hold on me he once did because it became abundantly clear how being with him forced me to live my life on his terms. Thus does not a lasting relationship make. 

This last month has made me more thankful and grateful for the loving friends and family I have in my life. I do not take them for granted. I have those friends that love you no matter what, no judgments and all the messes that come along with life. They lay on the floor with you when you can't get up and rub your back when you're scared and crying and remind you that this pain will only make you stronger. They sit on the phone with you while you are crying your eyes out and remind you that, although it may not feel like it, you will get better and get back on track. They remind you how much of a dork you are for dancing in the middle of the street to make them laugh. I have the kind of family that although I may not see them all the time and we may not talk all the time, if I was ever in trouble I could call. My family shows up at your place of work to say hello, but just by doing that reminds you how loved and lucky I am to have that kind of family. 

In short, I apologize if my not writing has been a missing for you in your life, but it has reminded me of what I want to do, the game I am out to play, and the whole reason for starting this blog in the first place. It has reminded me of how lucky and truly blessed I really am. I have found my smile and my spirit and I can't put a price on that. 

Now let's get on with it! 

This is a favorite song I have been listening to a lot this month.....

Politics...

Ok, first of all there are two things that I swore I would never blog about, Religion and Politics. I am about to talk about the second one.

I will be the first to admit that whenever anyone starts going on a political rant I tune out, mostly because I believed religion and politics are the two easiest ways to start a fight and as someone that doesn't like to enter Battle Royale's I've never really paid attention. I guess you could say I was ignorant to the going's on. I also believe that a lot of the misgivings going on in the world would be eased if people just respected that someone else may not share your point of view so accept that and find a way to work together. Yes I am aware of how naïve that may sound to some but my response to that is back to basics people. We teach our kids to accept people for who they are, but I see a lot of people not practicing that.... Ok that was my mini rant, moving along....

I understand that there is an election upon us and I have this desire to make an informed choice at the polls this year. My normal decision making process when I went to vote, usually involved a phone call to my mother asking "who should I vote for?" I've seen the turmoil that the States has gone through with decisions made by their past, present and future leaders and would hate to see Canada enter the same fate so it is with that desire that I have begun my research in the various political parties to make my informed decision.


I have been seeing tv ads and radio ads for the various candidates running and the best way I can describe how I feel when I hear them is .... Ick. It sounds like a big ol' mud slinging match and I have a hard time voting for someone who thinks it's appropriate to rip apart someone's characters to gain points or followers, but I will continue my research. I do have to admit one thing though, I'm not entirely certain what I am looking to find. Lesser of two evils? The reading I have done is normally very biased towards a particular party and trying to discern the truth in all the jargon is proving interesting...

I have a lot of acquaintences, friends and family members that are very politically oriented and speak with great passion and determination about those beliefs and to them I ask.... Why? 


I will let you know how it goes, or hit me up if you can offer some assistance! 

Testing all Giggles, Testing all Giggles....

So there have been a few mornings where I have woken up with the giggles and/or a big ol' smile on my face. Don't know why.... perhaps it was the dreams the night before or the Nyquil that is getting me through is gnarly cold I have, don't particularly care, but let me say this. Waking up this way is THE BEST way to start a day.

Normally I wake up, roll over, smack the snooze button and wonder how long I can milk it till I have to absolutely get out of bed now or I will be late for work. I dream of my coffee as it is brewing and curse the sleep gods for making 6am come far to early. Waking up, smiling and doing a lil giggle makes the morning way more entertaining.

Yesterday morning was the same way and so on my way to work I had the giant smile plastered across my face and it was amazing to me how many people got weirded out by this, on the flip side the number of people that appreciated the smile and friendly "Good Morning" was far more amazing. They stop, look at you, get the biggest smile on their face, and say thank you for even acknowledging their existence. Now let me ask you this, would you rather start the day grumpy or giggly? Would you rather make someone's day or make someone's day miserable? You decide :)

I personally choose being a lil ray of sunshine! After all, I live in Vancouver someone's gotta bring the sunshine because lord knows Mother Nature isn't!

Saying Goodbye....

I was indulging in a old TV show that was a favourite of mine, Ugly Betty. Ok, Ok, Ok, it isn't that old, but sadly it isn't on the TV anymore. The last scene Betty has this really great monologue, which I would like to share.

" I've had to say goodbye more times that I would have liked, but everyone can say that and no matter how many times we do it, even when its for the greater good, it still stings. And though we'll never forget what we've given up we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can't do is live out lives always afraid of the next goodbye, because chances are they are not going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a goodbye can be a good thing, when it's a chance to start again."

In making the decision to move my life forward I knew that there was going to be a cost, but I knew that the cost of me not moving forward was far greater. When you finally wake up and realize your own worth and find love for yourself you notice how you have certain people in your life that support the old negative you and when you start to move forward they do everything they can to hold you back. I've had people "defriend" me on Facebook or flat out ask me if I've joined some sort of "cult". Now the smart alec in me tries desperately to refrain from responding to that last comment with a "Yes, a happiness one, you REALLY need to join." All I have done is make some changes in my thought processing, I giggle more, laugh more and smile a TON more.

Everyone displays themselves in the world a certain way and for many years I displayed myself a certain way. This way worked for me for many many years and gave me a pretty great life, but I want more now. I have begun to show up a different way and there are people in my life that don't want to be a part of that, so we've had to say goodbye. I respect their decision and I hope that in time they will come to respect mine.

Now, for a girl who's only filter for life has been "I'm fat and ugly please be my friend" this has cost me some tears and long conversations with those that love and support what I am up to. Saying goodbye is never an easy task, but as stated in the quote above it's about recognizing when its for a good thing. I will always think of those that have come and gone from my life with nothing but love in my heart, but there is a tiny part of me that will miss them and hopes that maybe one day our paths will cross again.

Now be careful when you giggle more people will think you're weird :)

Update Time Again!

It is that time of the month party peeps! YAY for update time and picture time.These past four weeks have provided so much growing, learning, laughing and tears that I honestly feel as if I have come out the other side a new person. I moved mountains in some areas and I stayed the same in others, so let's begin shall we :)

Let's begin with the picture! You'll notice two pictures in this blog post, because I couldn't pick which one to use. Having my picture taken was a torturous task for me. It was made a little easier if I take it myself because then I could control certain aspects of the picture. After taking a series of pictures I would sit down and flip through to find the one that was the least horrible of them, saying various not nice things to myself. This time was an entirely different experience! The whole time flipping through my pictures I was singing "I'm bringing SexyBack....them other..." Well you get the idea! Just in case you don't feel free to take a Justin Timberlake break with the link provided below. Moving along, it is a completely different experience to relate to myself as HOT. Something some people have been trying to tell me for years, so I am enjoying the moment and going to see where it takes me.  If there is one thing that has been drilled into my head is that beauty comes from within, not an outside source! Just gotta keep repeating that to myself.

For a couple weeks this month it felt like if anything was going to go wrong, it happened in those two weeks. I spent a few days curled up in tears trying to figure out what the heck was going on, hid from friends, and defiantly did not complete everything I said I was going to within these 4 weeks, because I came up with some really valid excuses!  The great thing is these past 4 weeks have given me some really great blog posts which I am EXCITED to share with you. If I was to write about it all in this post it would be WAY to long, so strap yourself in for the ride ladies and gentlemen!

Don't want to ignore a couple of points though!

I did not loose any weight, however I did not gain anything either, that is according to the scale. However if I go by the fit of my clothes, things are defiantly starting to feel a little looser. I would also like to take a moment and pay thanks to the Stairmaster. You and I have never really gotten along, but good lord my calf muscles love you! Gonna have me some sexy gams, by the time we are done :) I will be moving from a cardio only fitness routine to the addition of weights on a more regular basis. Yoga has been a saving grace, if nothing else than the stretching. Have not quite mastered that whole "Yoga for the mind" part, but we'll get there. My back thanks for the stretches.

Reading, check! All the exercises complete, fail! I am reading about 3 different books right now with the intention of going back to complete the exercises, part of me wonders if I will actually go back to complete them....we will see. Gumption and 1 thing a day that scares me, oh Lord did I. I honestly believe, that for me practising these two items is something that will forever be on my monthly updates!

Lastly, the most exciting of them all! Item #3 on my 2011 goals.....COMPLETED! I have successfully completed, filed and received my passport! YAY! You can't see it right now, but I am doing my SexyBack dance :)

That is all for now ladies and gents, but as I said stay tuned for some posts, because they are gonna be good!

P.S - Welcome to those in Morocco and Russia reading away

For the next four weeks....

1. Loose 8lbs
2. Read daily. You may ask yourself why reading? Well I'm a firm believer in that to grow as a person you need to be always learning and I love to learn, so I read.
3. Do 1 thing a day that scares me & continue to practice gumption
4. Exercise 4 times a week, minimum 30 minutes. I am dropping two days, because I found it quite difficult to stick with the 6 days a week and think that goal was a bit harsh going from maybe 2 to 6 days, so I'm gonna go with 4 and work back up to 6 days :)

G'nite all !