True Beauty

I have had a pretty emotionally charged couple of days and have quite a few things to write about, but have chosen to pick this one for the time being, but rest assured there are more coming....


So I have begun my search for a personal trainer yet again, and a few things popped up that I could not ignore

It would cost approx $300 a month for a session once a week, my first response was "Holy Crap I can't afford that" so instead of jumping to conclusions I took a look at my finances. What I found opened a whole new can of worms. Last month I spent well over $300 on clothing and cosmetics that was not needed and I didn't bat an eyelash. I began to share this fact with AL and she said "You only have issues spending money on yourself" my response was "Clearly I have no problems when it comes to making me look good" and her response was " that's outside to show others your care, its inside that counts". Now hold up she's the second person to say that to me today..... of course my spidery senses kicked into gear.

I have always spend a lot of time caring about what clothing I'm wearing, do I look put together? Does my hair and make-up look OK? Hair, make-up and clothing is how I compensate for being overweight, to show others that overweight people don't have to look like slobs and live in track suits and moo moo's. Living in a society where you are constantly bombarded with ads, commercials and television shows that are all based on how pretty you are,  being the skinniest, fitting into a size zero, being blond, the list goes on and on, this seemed like it was a natural thing for me to do. People would tell me all the time how beautiful I am, how pretty my eyes are, how I have flawless skin so I moved farther and farther away from my belief in myself that I am beautiful and closer and closer to the belief the beauty is in a jar, tube, pair of jeans, closer to the notion that what you look like is what makes you beautiful. 


Over the last year a couple things have happened that have begun to shake this ridiculous belief to the ground. My perception of make-up shifted from one of using it to hide to one of using it to enhance the unique beauty that an individual has. What led to this shift? I literally stood in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror. Now, you want to talk about one of the most uncomfortable experiences, trying doing that. Stand in front of a mirror and just stare at yourself, trust me it isn't easy to do. I wouldn't allow myself to move until that little voice inside my head was saying only nice things and I allowed myself to really get present to the unique features that I have. Secondly,  now being of the plus size stature, the rumors are true the black men tend to follow and I started dating one, whom my Grandmother met and quickly provided her opinion on. Now, although this dating did not last he would tell me everyday how beautiful I was, how gorgeous I was, how he couldn't stop staring at me, how he couldn't believe that I had chosen him. He felt like he won the lottery. Talk about difficult to hear and really uncomfortable, but he wouldn't let me hang up the phone or turn away until I really let the compliment sink in.

So, what's all this mean? Pardon me for saying but normally those that say its the inside that counts have never been judged based on looks so normally I say " Hush up Missy", but this was different for me because I really am beginning to believe that I am beautiful. Over the last couple of days, that conversation with AL and a lot of thinking I have come to a simple conclusion. I am only as beautiful as I say I am. It doesn't matter what clothes I wear, what shade of lipstick I have on or what color my hair is. It also doesn't matter what size I am. What matters if the confidence I exude, the belief I have in myself and my abilities. The belief you have in yourself and the line you draw for yourself around your self worth is the only thing that makes someone beautiful.