As outlined in my original post I've been struggling with boys on the dating front. Nothing ever really goes anywhere or they are totally not the boy for me. Now in typical AL fashion during our conversations she will usually make one comment or remind me of a comment I've made and I will sit and stew in it. The comment this time was "You know, girls get a portion of their self-esteem and relationship with boys from their fathers."
After about an hour of digesting this comment it was like the rubiks cube that is my brain 3/4 solved when it comes to boys (lets face it, it will never be completely solved because we're talking about boys).
I laughed, because there is defiantly history with my father but I never really saw the impact of that till now. My father, I love him for everything that he is and everything that he is not, he did the best he could with how he knew. He is a drinker and growing up he would come home from work, have dinner and then promptly lay down on the living room floor for the night and fall asleep. When I think about soccer games, Brownies, Girl Guides, High school graduation, heart surgery..... dad was absent 99.9% of the time. During my high school graduation ceremony he took my date to the bar for a drink and returned before the ceremony was over. Now, let me clarify. I am not whining, crying, mad or upset about any of this because in everyone of those situations my mother was there. Holding my hand, wiping my tears, doing my hair, cheering me on, pushing me forward. My dad was just simply not there.
I had no male attention/influence in my life so now when a boy pays attention to me I'm like a moth to a flame I crave it. I pretend to be this cool, go with the flow girl when really underneath I am a big ol' sucker fish, eventually I get to a certain point and then my "You're gonna leave, so I'm out before you" defense mechanism kicks in (that will turn up in another post somewhere I'm sure) and the cycle thus continues. What now you ask????
Well aside from fighting the urge to call every guy I've ever dated and apologize, which honestly I wouldn't saddle anyone with that task, I'm hyper aware of my dating situation right now and it has been giving my giggles. The things I do, the way I move, the way I speak when with a guy, honestly makes me giggle. So on the upside I am delighted that I am not making this all dramatic and heavy hearted, but instead sharing it with you, acknowledging it and moving on no longer allowing this nasty lil sucker fish habit of mine to continue. Oh and I know it won't disappear over night so if you see something for yourself in this post be nice to yourself and allow yourself the space to learn how to operate and interact with boys or girls in the new light, inside of being yourself.
As a thank you to myself I did something I've never done before, I bought myself a dozen pink roses because it isn't very often I do nice things for myself :)
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