Goals - Week 5

After taking a week off from goals that didn't turn out very well  I am keeping it simple this week boys and girls. 


1. Minimum of 30 mins of exercise a day
2. Read 1 chapter a day of a book that contributes to my life (FYI - Harlequin novels don't count)
3. Do 1 thing a day that scares me
4. Practice gumption

Word of the Week.....

I ran into a long time acquaintance this morning on my way to work and, as we were doing the quick catch up before our respected transit buses arrived, the one word I would use to describe her and would say I've always used to describe her is ..... gumption. Of course this got the ol' wheels turning and out came the "memo" function on my Blackberry. I think the guy sitting next to me is in awe at the speed of my thumbs. I'm tempted to look at him and say "Yes, I really could kick your ass at any video game." alas I continue my memo to self. 


Definition of gumption you ask? According to our friends over at Dictionary.com (again thank you Blackberry for this free app) it is "courage; spunk; guts"


Now would I say this is a word I would use to describe myself....ummmm.....nope, but well lets face it we can't really trust the words we'd use to describe ourselves. I would whole heartedly say that living my life with a certain level of gumption is defiantly the direction I am heading towards. I believe and know that there are situations and experiences that I have gone through that have taken a certain about of gumption, but not on an on going constant basis. I look at the women I surround myself with, my friends, my role models and even some of the girls at work and I would say they have it in spades and it is absolutely a quality I admire about them. 


So now what, well as I look at my lunch bag, which so happens to be the infamous Lulu lemon bag, staring my in the face is "Do one thing a day that scares you." I remember this scene from a really good movie "The Holiday" where they are talking about "be the leading lady in your own life". 

So, this week while tying it together with my "being enough" exercise I am going to practice gumption! 


Let's see what this week has in store......

Being Enough...

I seem to have this ever so constant question always running through my head .... Why am I never enough?

Not pretty enough... 
Not skinny enough...
Not funny enough...
Not enough combined of all of the above to get the guy...
Not smart enough to get the job...
Not smart enough to manage money better...
Not courageous enough...


Good lord a person could drive themselves crazy with the list of "Not ______ enough " running through their head.

Now as we are all obviously aware, this mental thought pattern is NOT HEALTHY!

Now logically I know that I have to consider myself enough before anyone else will, so my question is this.... How do you get there? How do you to place where you know and love what you got? Now I know there are going to be some followers that will have the answer and it may sound something like "You have to choose" or "You have to accept yourself for everything you are and everything you are not", well I think I may have figured it out and I am going take my theory for a test drive over the next couple weeks! 


My theory is this, each day you have to remind yourself over and over again that you are and when the situation or opportunity presents itself that tests whether you are or are not, scream out loud that you are enough! OK not totally certain that makes sense in typing it, but it sure does makes sense in my head :) 

Patience, Motivation & Determination

Those are 3 words that I have been lacking, to the point of even considering I am missing that gene in my genetic make-up, yes yes relax I know those are not genetic traits!


If you are following along you will note that I did not post my weekly goals on Monday for Week 4. It is with shame and embarrassment that I hang my head, but then I remember that I am a human being and therefore no where near perfect. As perfect as I try to be and try to come across as such I take comfort in the fact that EVERYONE has things on there "To Do" list that has been kicking around for quite some time. Think about your list, I'll give you a minute.......take your time.......


So I have since discovered the key to getting these items complete! Patience, motivation and determination. Three simple words that happen to pack quite a wallop when you think about it. 


Patience with yourself and allowing yourself to deal with the reasons and excuses this item has been on your "To Do" list for as long as it has. For me being overweight has been a defense mechanism, a really great way to keep people at bay and not really let anyone get close to me, disarming those mechanisms doesn't happen over night and as MUCH as I wish they would I need to have patience with myself to make mistakes, loose motivation and loose sight of my goals. I'm quickly learning that as hard as I am on myself to be "perfect", doing this weight loss game perfectly isn't going to get er' done. 


Motivation to keep the end goal in sight, your eye on the prize, the reason for the game, whatever metaphor, sports or otherwise you'd like to insert here. Now, if there is one thing this little spill off the wagon has taught me is that doing this myself and relying on myself to keep me motivated is an error on my part. Let's face it, I am my own worst enemy and if there is anyone that can talk myself out of doing something, I am the Jedi Master, move over Yoda. 


Determination to not let anyone or anything mess with your reason for playing the game. For me, it's my health. I want to have the pacemaker removed and live a healthy, happy vital life. I'm not doing this for anyone but me, wait that's a lie, I'm doing this also for the children I hope to have one day, but mostly it's for me so I have the energy to keep up with them :) Determination for me is also not letting anyone or anything get in your way. Spending less time on the "wagon" then off it.


So, to assist myself in this journey I have provided myself with a few assistants ! YAY to lil' helpers! 

Helper #1

Helper #2

My lil' helpers are posters that I have on the cupboard in my kitchen. The first one is a litle collage I made with sayings, people and things that I think are pretty and want to be able to fit into. The second is actually a  three page Nike ad that I fell in love with. Page 1 - Make Yourself Proud, Page 2 - Make Yourself Strong, Page 3 - Make Yourself Fit. Also not shown here are all my friends that I know I can call in a heartbeat if I need a little boost and shot of motivation, that's the key to not doing it alone. Been living the "solo mission" game for quite a while, time to play it different!


Peace out my Lovelies! 

Accepting Applications.....

Just to have a little fun, I'm currently accepting applications from the following individuals for the position of boyfriend and potential husband. Only those listed need apply :) 

Ryan Reynolds

James Franco

Gerard Butler

Jared Leto

Kevin Costner (every girl has their "older man" fantasy!)

Jake Gyllenhaal

Reset Button

For a majority of the afternoon I have been craving one of those big ol' red buttons that you could push for a "do over". Knowing that this is a dangerous tunnel to go down, I decided to go anyway. I started going over all the times in my life where I would have pushed that button in a heartbeat. I'd do over this last week, I'd do over high school, I'd do over over getting a pacemaker, I'd do over having a heart condition in general. I'd do over some stupid decisions that changed the course of my life. I'd do over, actually not do at all, some relationships, both with boys and friends. I'd take back and do over some judgments and decisions I've made about people in my life. I think its fair to say that we all have a long list of things we'd like to hit the reset buttons for. Of course me being a thinker and a slight over analyzer....

I don't want a do over or a reset. There is that cliche saying that everyone uses, because quite honestly, it's the truth. Everything happens for a reason. Everything that I have ever done or said or have had happen to me, made me who I am today. The mean girls in elementary and high school taught me about the kind of girl I didn't want to be and they taught me about the importance of standing up for myself. Going through what I went through with my heart and getting a pacemaker showed me how strong I really am. It taught me perseverance and it taught me about forgiveness. It showed me how precious this gift of life really is. All the dating and bad relationships I've been in taught me to never settle for less than what I know I deserve. I really should thank them because when I do meet "Mr. Right" I am defiantly going to appreciate him! I guess the point is, everything you've been through in life has made you who you are today, who I am today and although there are things about me right now I'd like to change who I am is fabulous. I am me, and I wouldn't be me without my flaws and imperfections. I'm unique and an original and that's exactly who I'm supposed to be. You're unique and an original and that's exactly who you're supposed to be.

Embrace yourself for everything that you are and everything that you are not.

Discovery of Bliss!

OK I have truly discovered bliss! Are you ready for it?...

• Hot shower after a long day travelling to and from the Sunshine coast for work.....check.

View from the ferry

• Brand new flannel pajama's that you paid $4.50 for from work because you cracked a box of product 2 seasons old...... check. 

My sexy new pajama's!!

• One glass of really yummy red wine....check.

Random photo from the internet

• Dancing around your apartment to 80's tunes (see some of my favorites below) for 45 mins.....BLISS! 

Distraction #1 - Revisited

This post stems from yet another intriguing conversation with AL that has pretty much hacked me off at the knees and I have just begun to begin to stand up again. Now, when I say hacked off at the knees, I mean in a good way. This was one of those "Aha" moments in your life where a whole bunch of dumb stuff you did over and over again till that moment makes complete and utter sense. So let me explain.


As outlined in my original post I've been struggling with boys on the dating front. Nothing ever really goes anywhere or they are totally not the boy for me. Now in typical AL fashion during our conversations she will usually make one comment or remind me of a comment I've made and I will sit and stew in it. The comment this time was "You know, girls get a portion of their self-esteem and relationship with boys from their fathers." 


After about an hour of digesting this comment it was like the rubiks cube that is my brain 3/4 solved when it comes to boys (lets face it, it will never be completely solved because we're talking about boys).


I laughed, because there is defiantly history with my father but I never really saw the impact of that till now. My father, I love him for everything that he is and everything that he is not, he did the best he could with how he knew. He is a drinker and growing up he would come home from work, have dinner and then promptly lay down on the living room floor for the night and fall asleep. When I think about soccer games, Brownies, Girl Guides, High school graduation, heart surgery..... dad was absent 99.9% of the time. During my high school graduation ceremony he took my date to the bar for a drink and returned before the ceremony was over. Now, let me clarify. I am not whining, crying, mad or upset about any of this because in everyone of those situations my mother was there. Holding my hand, wiping my tears, doing my hair, cheering me on, pushing me forward. My dad was just simply not there.  


I had no male attention/influence in my life so now when a boy pays attention to me I'm like a moth to a flame I crave it. I pretend to be this cool, go with the flow girl when really underneath I am a big ol' sucker fish, eventually I get to a certain point and then my "You're gonna leave, so I'm out before you" defense mechanism kicks in (that will turn up in another post somewhere I'm sure) and the cycle thus continues. What now you ask????


Well aside from fighting the urge to call every guy I've ever dated and apologize, which honestly I wouldn't saddle anyone with that task, I'm hyper aware of my dating situation right now and it has been giving my giggles. The things I do, the way I move, the way I speak when with a guy, honestly makes me giggle. So on the upside I am delighted that I am not making this all dramatic and heavy hearted, but instead sharing it with you, acknowledging it and moving on no longer allowing this nasty lil sucker fish habit of mine to continue. Oh and I know it won't disappear over night so if you see something for yourself in this post be nice to yourself and allow yourself the space to learn how to operate and interact with boys or girls in the new light, inside of being yourself. 


As a thank you to myself I did something I've never done before, I bought myself a dozen pink roses because it isn't very often I do nice things for myself :) 

Goals - Week 3

Well it just so happens to be Monday, which means it is GOAL SETTING TIME!!! 


I am happy to say that I completed everything on my list this week with all but one, which is the photo for my passport and to be honest you'd think out of them all this would be the easiest, but every time I pass the 1 of many places they do it, I am going to meet someone, on my way to work and running late or on my way home and trust me the last thing I want taken after a long day at work is my photo. OK, so yes that was a ton of excuses, sooooooo....


1. Do or die, my passport photo will be taken this week. 


The working out 30 mins a day produced PHENOMENAL results with the exception of the pain I was experiencing on Friday, and I know it is just about developing the muscle memory and my body getting used to moving more. So if this happens to be "your field" of expertise, so I promise I am doing everything to avoid injuries. Stretching before and after, lots of water, blah blah blah blah. 


2. Exercise a minimum of 30 mins a day, again with the exception of Saturday. 


Being powerful in the face of whatever showed up was the biggest thing that stood in my way this week. I find it so easy to just let a lot of things slide, not say anything or do anything no matter what the cost to me may be. I have since discovered that I have surrounded myself with friends that only call me a superstar and when I am being a butt head they tell me, when I am trying to pick a fight then tell me that they aren't afraid of me and can take me, they tell me I am smart, funny and talented when I feel everything but and they remind me most of all about the kind of person I want to be. Standing up for yourself and communicating what's going on take something. Saying "Hey what you just did/said, not cool" or having those "difficult" conversations because not having them usually turns out to be way more stressful on you, is not an easy task. I had a couple this week and I gotta tell you, they were far worse in my head than they were to actually have, so this week making a second appearance....


3. Being powerful - having the difficult conversations and communicating what's working/not working for me.


and lastly....


4. Laugh! Smile, giggle and HAVE FUN!

True Beauty

I have had a pretty emotionally charged couple of days and have quite a few things to write about, but have chosen to pick this one for the time being, but rest assured there are more coming....


So I have begun my search for a personal trainer yet again, and a few things popped up that I could not ignore

It would cost approx $300 a month for a session once a week, my first response was "Holy Crap I can't afford that" so instead of jumping to conclusions I took a look at my finances. What I found opened a whole new can of worms. Last month I spent well over $300 on clothing and cosmetics that was not needed and I didn't bat an eyelash. I began to share this fact with AL and she said "You only have issues spending money on yourself" my response was "Clearly I have no problems when it comes to making me look good" and her response was " that's outside to show others your care, its inside that counts". Now hold up she's the second person to say that to me today..... of course my spidery senses kicked into gear.

I have always spend a lot of time caring about what clothing I'm wearing, do I look put together? Does my hair and make-up look OK? Hair, make-up and clothing is how I compensate for being overweight, to show others that overweight people don't have to look like slobs and live in track suits and moo moo's. Living in a society where you are constantly bombarded with ads, commercials and television shows that are all based on how pretty you are,  being the skinniest, fitting into a size zero, being blond, the list goes on and on, this seemed like it was a natural thing for me to do. People would tell me all the time how beautiful I am, how pretty my eyes are, how I have flawless skin so I moved farther and farther away from my belief in myself that I am beautiful and closer and closer to the belief the beauty is in a jar, tube, pair of jeans, closer to the notion that what you look like is what makes you beautiful. 


Over the last year a couple things have happened that have begun to shake this ridiculous belief to the ground. My perception of make-up shifted from one of using it to hide to one of using it to enhance the unique beauty that an individual has. What led to this shift? I literally stood in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror. Now, you want to talk about one of the most uncomfortable experiences, trying doing that. Stand in front of a mirror and just stare at yourself, trust me it isn't easy to do. I wouldn't allow myself to move until that little voice inside my head was saying only nice things and I allowed myself to really get present to the unique features that I have. Secondly,  now being of the plus size stature, the rumors are true the black men tend to follow and I started dating one, whom my Grandmother met and quickly provided her opinion on. Now, although this dating did not last he would tell me everyday how beautiful I was, how gorgeous I was, how he couldn't stop staring at me, how he couldn't believe that I had chosen him. He felt like he won the lottery. Talk about difficult to hear and really uncomfortable, but he wouldn't let me hang up the phone or turn away until I really let the compliment sink in.

So, what's all this mean? Pardon me for saying but normally those that say its the inside that counts have never been judged based on looks so normally I say " Hush up Missy", but this was different for me because I really am beginning to believe that I am beautiful. Over the last couple of days, that conversation with AL and a lot of thinking I have come to a simple conclusion. I am only as beautiful as I say I am. It doesn't matter what clothes I wear, what shade of lipstick I have on or what color my hair is. It also doesn't matter what size I am. What matters if the confidence I exude, the belief I have in myself and my abilities. The belief you have in yourself and the line you draw for yourself around your self worth is the only thing that makes someone beautiful. 

Inspiration

So I've just completed dancing around my apartment to absurdly loud music (thank you Cee Lo Green & Taio Cruz and my apologies to my neighbors for the base, but it was necessary) in hopes of coming up with a topic to write about in today's post. What did I come up with you ask..... Inspiration.

Side bar: I've inserted links to clips or music videos just to make this post a little more interesting, mostly because I learnt how, but who cares! Yes, you may enjoy! 

Taking on the goal of exercising 30mins everyday, no matter what, has defiantly taken something this week. It has taken something, I swear my hand to God I didn't have, determination. The ability to move past the "but, I have to do...." and the "Work was soooo busy" or the "It's late" and the "The gym is soooo busy" excuses takes something. I was a HUGE fan of buying into these excuses previously and about half way through the second Cee Lee Green song it hit me, yes it takes determination but it is inspiration that fuels the determination. 

I have been blessed to be surrounded by many amazing people that have been able to provide me with inspiration and in this post I would like to acknowledge and thank them. Now, because I am going to respect people's privacy I'm gonna use initials or nicknames :) 

Grams: for always being the most caring, loving, accepting teacher, partner and best Grandma anyone could ask for. She provides me with the example of what love truly is and to never settle for anything less because that is what I deserve.

Mumma: my angel, for having the guts to make major life changes no matter your age and reminding me that beauty knows no size, color, shape or number.

AL: for pushing me past where I always want to stop, 6am inspirational bbm's, fostering my addiction to coffee, and always reminding me that it doesn't matter what you did yesterday it's what you do today that counts

Jase: meeting you 10 years ago changed my life. For showing me that you never give up on your dream because you just celebrated your 1 year anniversary of yours. FYI peeps, if you're in the Coeur d'Alene, ID area and need a stop to kick it on the treadmill or weights hit me up I have the place!  

Jenny - Lee: for dealing with me when I have NOT been caffeinated, demanding Nikki-Jo time, reminding me to believe in myself and believe in love. For being a POWERFUL beotch and takin' no prisoners! 

DJ: for having balls of steel and being a bright and shiny example of the kind of woman I want to be

Big Brother: for showing me that you should never give up and people can always change and that believing in yourself doesn't happen overnight. 

"Agnes": for sending me text messages when you know my day isn't going so well, just because you know your assigned ringtone makes me giggle! 

So it was after the goodness that is Salt n' Pepa that I realized this list could go on forever because I am inspired by a lot of people in my life and it is that inspiration that has me move past the vast array of excuses listed above. When I sit here for a minute and really allow myself to get present to how lucky I am to have each friend and family member in my life it brings tears of joy to my eyes so from the bottom of my heart I say thank you. Thank you for being you, for being a part of my life, no matter how close, far, big or small, I love each and everyone of you. 

Now just to finish of this post I must go out on a high note and there is only one person that will appreciate this and she knows who she is because Dec 2009 was an epic adventure :) 

Goals - Week 2

OK, so it is once again Monday which means completion of Week 1 and goal setting for Week 2!

I was hesitant and really put off writing this post to the last possible moment, but it was write this post or watch The Bachelor and I'm sad to say The Bachelor won for the first 45 mins before I couldn't take the drama! Bah! 

I am super excited to share one result... I stepped on the scale Saturday and was DELIGHTED with the results :) 

I will own that I did not complete everything I said I was going to complete last week, but have been more aware of my thoughts, reactions and emotions which I have concluded is all part of my journey this year. As I've previously said it is not about my end results it is about the growth and journey I experience on my way towards those goals.

This week I will....

• Do a minimum of 30mins of exercise each day this week with the exception of Saturday. I have chosen Saturday as my day off, "free" day if you will. 
• I will begin reading a book that I have been putting off reading for weeks
• Get my passport photo taken
• Being powerful in the face of whatever shows up

FYI - my petulant 2 year old reared her ugly little head several times this week, but I am gonna continue to say to her "Let's go Missy!"

Ciao my Lovlies!

Obsession: Make-Up

So I happen to have this teeny tiny obsession with make-up. Those that know me joke that if you ever loose me while shopping just look for the closest make-up counter because that is where I will be, or laugh at me that I use MAC stores as geographical landmarks, instead of oh say the Museum or Art Gallery. What can I say, make-up is one of my obsessions so much so that due to my eyeshadow collection I am only allowed to buy 3 eye-shadows this whole year and no palette's. I told this to my bestie while wandering through Sephora and she laughed and said "Good luck pumpkin". Why the obsession?

A small sample of my collection

Growing up coloring was always one of my favorite things to do. Make-up for me is the adult version of coloring except I don't have to stay in the lines. I can be as creative as I wont, play with as many colors as I want, blend colors together to make new colors and then apply those colors to eyes, cheeks, lips and nails. I can spend hours in my bathroom playing and completely loose track of time. The hardest part of my morning routine is deciding what color palette to chose for the day. LOL.

Before

After

I love that make-up is a way to enhance someone's natural beauty, not cover it up. I love sitting on the bus and looking at someone, find that which makes them unique and then design a make-up look around that. Yes, ok this does get me some odd looks and the occasional stink eye, but I can't help it. Ladies, you have to admit when you put on that really great lipstick or that favorite shade of blush you automatically feel prettier, more beautiful because that shade was chosen for you, because you're unique and it matches you.

Now before any of you ask, yes I have thought about making this a career, but that industry isn't the easiest to get into, but mostly I don't want to loose the joy I get when I get that phone call from a friend asking me if I can do their make-up for their special occasion or event. I love the intimacy/relationship I have with make-up and I'm not willing to risk that.

I love that thanks to the likes of YouTube and blogs it has unleashed this "make-up guru" phenomenon on the internet. If you're looking for a little make-up inspiration here are two AMAZING ladies that have been a huge inspiration to me! 

Until next time my lovlies!

MakeUp Geek

Kandee Johnson

Faith vs. Hope

So I found myself hoping this week. Hoping that I can stick with my 80lb goal for the year, hoping that I can stick with writing this blog. Every time I write it scares the crap out of me. It is a scary feeling having your thoughts out there for the world to read, but at the same time it leaves me with a small feeling of not being alone in what I am going through, because we all have our "stuff" I just happen to put mine on display... OK that was a sidebar, back on task....

Hoping that my life turns out, hoping that I one day fall in love, get married and get my version of my white picket fence.... hope hope hope hope. All this, and quite frankly dangerous, thinking got me wondering about what "hope" is. Here is one of the definitions, that stuck out for me according to dictionary.com

"verb: to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence."

Hmmmm OK, well what's that do? Maybe if I really really hope for it I will get it? Nope, no dice. If I think about it enough it will come to fruition? Non è un caso. I was once again reminded that hoping makes absolutely no difference. Someone once told me that "Hoping is for lazy people, gives them an excuse to not go out and get it." Ouch like that isn't a polite smack upside the head and you may even have your opinions about all of this, but when you stop and think you have to take ACTION to get what you want, sitting and hoping didn't actually get you what you wanted, you have to take action. OK...so then my next thought was what about faith.

Again the definition that struck my fancy,

" noun: confidence or trust in a person or thing."

Interesting. Now if there is one thing in this world that I am certain of it is the people, places and things I trust because that is mine to give. "Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face first and full-speed into the dark. If we knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of The Almighty and the destiny of it all, our belief would not be a leap of faith....it would just be....a prudent insurance policy." I read that this morning on my way to work and yes, I started crying on public transit. It's funny how when you're thinking about one thing, trying to distract yourself by doing something else and the universe smacks you upside the head. Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert.

It's about the fight, how you grow is in the fight, pushing myself/yourself past where you stop. This journey isn't about how many times I go to the gym (that's the action that I know I can do) it's about moving through the reasons and excuses. Having the faith in yourself that I can do it, that it doesn't matter how many times I fall, it's that each time I get back up, brush off my knees and go again. Who cares about how many times you do it, that's why some genius invented kneepads, keeping going.

Having faith in myself, in my abilities and in others is probably the hardest thing I will ever do.

Distraction #1

Well not even one day in and I managed to distract myself for a day and a half! I swear that has got to be a record somewhere. OK, OK, OK maybe my record, but who's care it's mine! :) This distraction came in the form of BOYS! ....ugh I had originally outlined this for a much later post, but since it peeked its ugly little head out here we go.

There are 4 different boys drifting through my life right now and the minute one of them phones I have this nasty little habit of dropping everything and running, which frustrates me. One of the boys called, made the plans, I rearranged my schedule (OK truthfully, cancelled going to the gym) and then while he is now 45 mins late I phone, he cancels. I was SUPER not so happy. This is just a small example of how 3 of these 4 boys treat me, yes they all have a tendency to do the same thing. Wanna know what my automatic response is? I feel sorry for myself and turn to comforting myself with the one thing I know...food. Thanks to this wonderful blog I was able to interrupt this pattern a lot quicker than normal. At this point you may be asking yourself "Day and a half is quick?" Yes, for me this is a lot quicker than normal, don't judge, moving along...

"Balance is not allowing anyone to love you anyless than you love yourself"

~Eat, Pray, Love (Movie)~

What I realized was this, they treat me how I treat myself. I don't think my time is all that important, so why would they? I don't say that when they do that it really pisses me off, I sit and stew so of course they think it is OK to do it again and again. My intention here was to be the carefree, go with the flow girl, but as a dear friend pointed out I've gotten carefree, go with the flow girl confused with disrespectful boy. Secondly, these are soooooo NOT the kind of boys that deserve to be anywhere around me. In short, it was a polite smack upside the head/reminder about my self-worth. I am better than this and I deserve better than this! Know your worth, know your value, know how rare and precious you are.

So..... back on track!

OK so that may have been the long winded way around to the point, but such is life, my blog, my rambling :)

Fear... FACE IT!

So, in all fairness I posted this note on Facebook awhile ago, so I am doing a copy paste with a few edits. That being said I feel it is just as relevant in this moment as it was back when I first wrote it.

Fear can be our biggest enemy and the one thing that whenever you ask anyone, what stops them, it will eventually boil down to fear. Fear of asking out the cute boy at work , fear of believing you are actually good enough, fear in letting go and actually giving up that you may not have all the answers. Fear in believing that you can do whatever you put your mind to in this world. For me.....fear is what has me writing this.

It was 8 years ago that I became inimately aware with the fact that I am not as industructable as I thought and actually given a second chance at this game called life. I vowed that I wasn't gonna waste it. I am very proud of some of my accomplishments and then there are those things that well.....WTF!!! But boy did I learn some valuable leasons! Like no matter how drunk you are when your two friends say it is a great idea to swim naked in the city fountains then have to explain your logic for that choice to a very mean looking police officer. Or deciding that when you are hiking through the woods at night maybe vearing off the track isn't the smartest idea. My favorite to date, no matter how much you love someone and you believe you will spend the rest of your life with that person, they may break your heart, but it doesn't mean they don't love you.

I've coached hundreds of people to live a life they love, live their best life who have in turn impacted thousands of lives, but the minute it comes to have that breakthrough for myself I am struck with this sudden fear. Putting myself out there, being vulnerable....ummm...no that's great for you, but me I'm good. Ridiculous...maybe...but you are doing this somewhere in your life I assure you :)

What I'm getting is that fear is that moment you choose to sit back on your heels or run full out giving it every last effort you have, especially when it looks like your loosing. A choice. Pretty simple when ya think about it. So what am I afraid of...right now it is wasting my 2nd chance at this game called life. You?

One of my FAVORITE quotes...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson ~

Goals - Week 1

So to ensure achievement of my goals outlined in my previous post I have decided that I will post smaller goals that can be accomplished in a weeks time to move me closer to my bigger goals, so without further adieu...

This week I will....

1. Go to the gym twice (Tues & Thurs)

2. I will do a Pilates video I have here at home on Wednesday & Friday

3. To help me loose the 80lbs I have chosen Weight Watchers, so Saturday morning I will step on the scale - yuck, but must be done. This goal also implies that I will eat within my "points" for the remainder of the week and if you're reading between the lines there you will note the "remainder of the week" comment - it's a new day!

4. I am going to establish a proper nighttime routine, because sleeping through the night is not an easy task for me, done some research and am taking that on!

5. I will have my picture taken for my passport photo

6. Read one chapter a night in a book that moves me towards my goals. Right now I am reading "Smart Cookies' Guide to Making More Dough"

7. Drink 1L of water a day.

Now with these goals of course comes my petulant 2 year old voice inside screaming "I don't want to" and "You can't make me". To this girl "To damn bad, you've been running the show for far to long, let's go!"

Till next time!

Goals BABY!!!!!

Ok, so it seems logical that my next post would be about what I intend on accomplishing in the next 363 days, so here it goes!

1. Loose 80lbs - yup, that is 4 20lb bag o' potatoes that I intend to loose. Battling my weight has been an issue since about, ooooo.... grade 5. I've played the on the weight loss wagon, off the weight loss wagon better than some Vancouverites during NHL playoffs when the Canucks happen to make it to round 2. This goal will probably materialize into additional posts, so I will leave it here for now.

2. Travel to Mexico & Las Vegas - at the tender age of 31 (ssshhh don't tell anyone k, it's our secret) I have never been to either of these places. I have always viewed travelling to these destinations a "right of passage" during your 20's that I missed for a ton of reasons and excuses that sounded really good at the time, so this year they are being ticked off my "to do" list.

3. For #2 to actually materialize I need to get a passport, that's right never had one. I have however printed the form several times, had a friend pick one up and even fill out the "I'm signing for this person" portion, but have never dropped it off so this one will actually be completed before the end of January. Again, I have some really valid reasons and excuses, we all have them, come on don't even pretend like you don't!

4. Get my driver's license. This one I really only want so that when I have a few days off in a row I can drive up and see my mom because I MISS HER! My mom = my best friend, but alas that is another post :)

P.S - this is also another one of those "right of passage" things.

5. Have professional photos taken of myself. This mostly stems from wanting to get really comfortable with having my picture taken, which stems from confidence issues, which stems from my weight and hmmm maybe I should lay down on a couch....

6. Tackle and continually give up what others think and say about me. I don't want to let people's mean words and/or actions stop me from going after what I want in life. I say and do enough means things to myself, trust me I don't need anyone else's help!

7. Learn to Golf.... you might be asking "What for?" Well, it looks like really good exercise and kinda fun. Please note I said learn to golf, NOT watch golf, because that is boring!

8. Learn to Snowboard, because it looks like sooooo much fun and cute boys do it :)

9. Learn and master the art of saving money. At this point in time I have stared down the barrel of some pretty serious money issues and never want to return to the place I was financially a few years ago. I would quickly be back there if I was to loose my job because I have no savings at all and I believe that financial support provided by yourself and no one else, adds to a sense of pride and freedom, which I want to experience.

10. In addition and in support of #9 - start a stock portfolio/invest. I have been reading "Smart Cookies" (again another post) and have found this book to be quite amazing! If you are female, pick it up and read it!

So there they are ladies and gentlemen, my 10 goals to accomplish this year!

Oh, one more thing. I am not a writer so if you are reading this and getting annoyed by all the grammatical errors, typo's and slang words, for the love of Pete, let it go, relinquish the control issues, this blog isn't about that!

My Story

Everyone has a story. Your story is what makes you unique and is what makes you who you are, special. I'm not talking the helmet wearing, short bus riding kind of special here. I'm talking the letting your light shine so bright that no matter what stands in front of you, you have the power, confidence and courage to tackle it kind of special. My story is mine, it is one with many ups and many downs. It is full of many lessons trying to be taught to me and me running in the polar opposite direction. It's full of mistakes, wins, losses, loves, hates, passion, moments of courage and inspiration and moments of standing in front of a big ol' brick wall with absolutely no desire to go through.

This blog is my commitment to making 2011 MY YEAR. The chronicles of my journey for the next 364 days to accomplish what I want to accomplish this year and to grow into the kind of woman that I have always wanted to be. Here's the dealio, I am by no means saying that who I am right now is not fantastic, fabulous and pretty darn great, but who I am right now is small compared to who I know I am inside, to what I feel growing inside.

My commitment

1. I will not hide who I am
2. I will not filter my thoughts
3. My intend is not to offend, so if you take offence to something, stop, smile and know I mean no ill intent, just so happens that wit and sarcasm are close personal friends of mine.
4. I'm not going to pretend that I will write every day, but I promise to write at least every other day
5. I will do what I say I'm going to do and if I don't I will tell you
6. I am go going to give 2011 EVERYTHING that I have to give

I hope you enjoy and stick around to check out my year and share your year with me as well.