Losing Your Way....

Been in a little bit of a cave as of late, but thanks to a truthful conversation with an important somebody in my life I'm peaking my head out. I started this journey knowing that my M.O and pattern is to bail, punk out and I've done that several times along the way. This time has been particularly interesting. The universe came knocking pretty loud yesterday and as I was channel surfing, I stopped on one of those CW TV shows and in grand universe fashion here's what was said...

"and Hansel said to Gretel " Let us drop those bread crumbs so that together we find out way home, because losing our way would be the most cruelest of things." This year I lost my way. Losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted 8 month, sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn't me who had arrived, it wasn't me at all. Once you loose yourself you have two choices - find the person you used to be or loose that person completely, because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you are meant to be, the person you want to be, the person you are. " 


Do I have what it takes? do I have it inside of me to give everything I have to turn my life into what I want it to be and be the person I was meant to be? 

The Question At Hand....

I used to think that making decisions and choices was simply. As humans we do it everyday, almost every moment. Do I want drip coffee or a latte? Do I want to wear those shoes with this outfit or those ones? Do I want to answer this phone call or don't I? Do I want to take this great job offer or don't I? Do I want to go on this date or not? My filter for making the tough decisions has always been "Will my decision make this person happy, mad or sad?" and "What's the easiest way to not have this person be upset with me?" or "What's the easiest most simply choice that will provide the least amount of effort?"

I've been fighting this wicked headache all day, and I'm not someone that get's headaches. As I type this blog post working through this subject, weighing on my mind, my headache is subsiding. So my question is this. When do we stop making decisions and choices based on what will make other's happy and start making them based on what's best for me and my life and when you start doing this, what is the cost?"

Discipline

So I'm gonna tell one on myself. This last bit has been a bit of a struggle. I've watched my weight hover at the 10lbs loss mark, not really taking the initiative to get it moving. Yesterday I was having a particularly difficult day, my back was super tense, stiff, and what I like to call "pinchy." So I decided to have one of my infamous conversations with myself to see WTF. I quickly zeroed in on one small fact about my life, which blew open one giant door and have been standing in this new doorway most of the day. What is this small fact you ask...

DISCIPLINE

When I think back, all the waaaay back, to growing up I don't ever really remember being disciplined, grounded, scolded.... OK there is this one time my brother and I were fighting at the grocery store and my mom made us walk home, but other than that I don't really recall. Now, you may be thinking " That's because you were a good child Nikki?" I laugh and will simply say, what my Mumma doesn't know won't hurt her. Mumma, if you're reading this, don't ask please. Growing up I never really did my homework, or left it till the very last moment and was given whatever I asked for 75% of the time. Don't get me wrong I have really great parents, that did the best they knew how and I'm totally thankful for that, but clearly didn't learn about discipline, so I took to the internet to do a little reading on the subject. 

I read this short series on Self-Discipline by Steve Pavlina (click here for link). There was one sentence that stuck out most in the six part series. "Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state. Imagine what you could accomplish if you could simply get yourself to follow through on your best intentions no matter what" So what pops into my head when I read that? I SO WANT THAT!

After reading this article and standing in the doorway most of the day, I saw how this lack of discipline and played out in my life. It rears its ugly head the most when it comes to the areas of health, weight, finances and career. I spent a few hours reading up on discipline, self discipline, how it applies to academics, military, etc. There is tons of information out there, just Google "self discipline". Gotta love Google. 

There is only one thing I can think of and I read this in one of the many articles I came across "there is no greater reason for self-discipline, than a vision for your life" When I think about my life, it's the very reason I started writing this blog in the first place, to be different, to change the habits, so that's what I'm gonna get re-focused on doing. As stated in Steve Pavilna's article I will start small, one day at a time. It's like building a muscle, the muscle is weak at first, but with exercise it gets stronger! 

Time to get stronger!!! 

Obsession: Dancing

So here's the deal....

For as long as I can remember I have loved to shake the booty, do a lil jig, bop up and down, get my groove on, cut a rug.... OK I have run out of dance expressions, moving right along...

I have totally been busted, by a patio full of peeps, dancing  "risky business, tom cruise" style  around my house in my underwear, more than once. I dance around at work and can't begin to tell you how much staff and patrons all laugh and join in! I think it steams from this inability I have to sit still and my other obsession: music (stay tuned for that blog post). Even when I am sitting in a chair, my leg is bouncing or I have this song playing in my head and I am dancing to it. I can't help it, I hear music and I dance. 


I admit that my first love will always be Kevin Costner movies (no this love does not include The Postman, no one can love that movie, sorry Kevin), but I also have this addiction to dance shows (So You Think You Can Dance & Dancing With The Stars) and movies about dancing, yes even the cheesy ones. That list includes CenterStage, Step Up and yes Step Up 2: The Streets, Footloose & Flashdance. The list goes on!  Come on, who doesn't love Dirty Dancing? "No body puts Baby in a corner" classic and then they do this really....well here watch it for yourself! 

Dancing is one of those activities that no matter your mood you can dance it out. I have yet to find a song that I can't dance to. Watching people dance can be a very emotional experience. I know a few times I have been moved to tears while watching a couple dance. Take a look...

Dancing is a great way to express yourself and there are some that are truly gifted in this area. I've taken a couple classes at a dance center here in town and am AMAZED at some of the talent the teachers have. I dance because it feels natural, it feels good and its great exercise. 


So if your happy and you know it.... DANCE. I know I sure do! 


And just because this blog post wouldn't be complete without it....

Family.....

Mumma & I (taken a few years ago)

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you.      ~Desmond Tutu~

So, I read the above quote today, it made me giggle, then the first thought that entered my head was “What did I do to piss off God?” Then I thought a little more and realized I have quite possibly the best family in the world....

I have an older brother, and God bless him i swear it's his personal mission in life to torment me. There was a time in our relationship where we couldn't stand to be in the same room as each other. If we were and more than 5mins had passed, name calling and fighting ensued. Then one day, during an exercise in a course we took together I got my relationship with my brother back. It was quite possibly one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. See I have one of those older brothers, that although at times lift has dealt him a few blows he may stay down for a few minutes, but he will get up dust of his knees and start going at it again. He is also the kind of big brother that when he gets an idea in his head he runs full tilt. He has more passion, courage and strength in his pinky finger than I think I have in my entire body. I'm thankful I have him in my corner, no matter how many times he punches, shoves and makes fun of me.

I have a mother, that I swear is an Angel sent from above. This is a lady that after 27 years of marriage decided that she deserved better and reinvented herself. She'd been with my father since high school and went, pretty much, from her parents home to her married home. She is also the type of mother that let me and my brother make our mistakes but no matter what, the minute we turned around, was standing right there with open arms for hugs, a wash cloth for scrapes and bruises, an aspirin for a hangover, and words of wisdom when a boy or girl had broken our heart. She is also the mother that when her daughter is lying in a hospital bed having just come back from the verge of death leans over and says “So help me God if you think of leaving this earth before me, I will kill you myself.” She is my best friend and my hero. If I can be half the mother to my kids as she was to me, they will be some seriously lucky kids.

I have a father, that all I can say is he battles his demons on a regular basis. He trains me in the art of forgiveness, letting go, and loving someone no matter what. I know he loves me.

Of my Grandparents, I have one Grandmother that is still with me here on earth and although she is my father's mom, her my and mom are cut from the same cloth. She never lets you forget just  how truly special you are. She isn't afraid to give her opinion about the boy you're dating and makes it very clear is she thinks you deserve better. She is also not afraid to give you the “Grandmother eyes” if she thinks you're being a brat. She is also the kind of Grandmother that when your father disappoints you and leaves you crying in a bus depot, calls you a few times to ensure you're ok and reminds you about just how loved you are.

Then there there is the, what feels like, gazillion aunts, uncles and cousins I have. I may not see them once a week, or sometimes not even once a month, but when you do see them, the minute your aunt wraps her arms around you, you can feel the love she generates. I have the kind of uncles that mistakenly dials your number and confuses you with his daughter and it makes you giggle. I also have the kind of uncles that,  when your father disappoints you, they take time our of their busy schedule and take you for coffee just to make sure you know its not your fault. I have the kinds of aunts and uncles that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I ever needed them, would be there in a flash, no matter how long its been since we've seen each other. I have the kinds of cousins that take a day off to sit in the hospital with you and that check in via text of email just to see how you're doing. I can say that my family is a giant fruit salad topped off with a couple nuts.

So yeah, God's gift to me truly is my family because the feeling I get when I think about my family, is a feeling that I wouldn't trade for all the riches in the world. 

Being Yourself...

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”  ~E.E. Cummings~

So I had this really interesting experience recently while attending a concert.

Normally attending an event such as this would require a lot of prep time on my part, hours spend trying on different outfit options, another hour spent on my make-up color choices and then of course the hair. Yes, all of this for a few hours spent at a show. This is normally how I approach each day, but on a much smaller scale of course. What's the deal with all the time spent you may be asking? Well let me give you a little insight to inside my head.

It's all about looking good. There were going to be over 6000 people there and a portion of that is going to be male and as a single female, well it doesn't take a genius to know that you want to look good for the opposite sex. It is also about this need that I have to prove that not all overweight people look sloppy. They can also look hot, sexy and confident… see where I am going?

Wanna know what happened day of.... I was having coffee with the BFF and decided that I was going to enjoy the genius DJ's that are Avicii & David Guetta. I was going to dance and have a good time. I was going to check the insecurities at the door, leave the cute outfit in the closet and be comfortable so that I could dance and enjoy the night. So, I wore a t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. Of course I “Nikkifyed” them with pink and fun makeup but it was no where close to what I had previously planned.

Upon arrival at the venue I began to regret my decision when I saw girl after girl walking around in heels, short skirts, dresses, cleavage baring tops etc until my friends reminded me about how much fun we were going to have so once again I put those nasty little thoughts aside and began to dance!

Here is how my night went....FUN, Dance, FUN, Dance, singing, FUN, dancing, FUN, and more singing. When I heard Avicii do the opening sequence to his single Bromance, I didn't care. I was just thankful to be at the show that everything else just melted away.  Here is what else I saw, girl after girl kicking off the heels because their feet were killing them, girls in the washroom complaining about how uncomfortable their dress was, etc... In that moment I was thankful for my choice. I had fun dancing ridiculously with my friend and taking in the man-candy that was in attendance at this event. I swear every hot man in Vancouver was there, it was DELIGHTFUL to enjoy!

Here is my point. I had more male attention that night in a t-shirt and jeans than I’d ever gotten before. I didn’t care because I’m getting that it didn’t have anything to do with what I was wearing, but more to do with the fact that my friend and I were just there to dance and have FUN.

I’m slowly learning that it isn’t about what you wear or what you look like. It is about being yourself and not being what you think someone else wants you to be or acting how you think someone wants you to act. It’s about being you, all the insecurities, neuroses and faults that make you who you are. I’m beginning to think that the only really horrible is that we try to hide them. I say put them on display, that way there are no surprises and you don’t have to stress yourself out about trying to keep them hidden.

I’m beginning to wonder…why do we spend so much time trying to hide who we are in hopes that no one finds out, but when you really stop and think about it, everyone is doing the exact same thing so why not put it all out there, take a deep breath and finally relax.

Here is what I’m putting on display…

1. I am WAY to emotional sometimes. I will act/react that have to do damage control, apologize and reign it back in.
2. Sometimes the words start flowing out of my mouth, long before my brain has had time to finishing processing the thought.
3. I am sensitive and sometimes take on other peoples problems/emotions as my own and try to help them, without them even asking
4. I am sarcastic, thank you to my mother for this trait. At times it is my defense mechanism, but most of the time it is just my sense of humor that gets me into trouble.
5. I have a really hard time giving up control
6. I hate dealing with conflict

I’m certain I could probably add 25 more items to this list, but the point is to stop worrying about them, put them on display and be myself, the good, the bad and the ugly. There is a famous quote out there that says “Be who you are because those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind, don’t matter”

What are you putting on display? 

Pain....

I was laying on a table today crying while my wonderful chiropractor assured me that when she was finished the level of pain I was experiencing would be far less, trusting her I endured what I would call torture. In an effort to distract myself I tried to fill my mind with other things....white fluffy bunnies....nope. Palm trees and sunny beaches....nope. "Oh good lord make the pain stop!" was all that was going through my brain with the occasional " Why me?". Janey completed her exercise, I sat up, wiped away the tears and very slowly stood up. Holy moly BATMAN! After a few minutes of slow movement I felt like a freakin hula dancin' queen! It was awesome. A few hours later the stiffness and discomfort she warned me about is settin' in and it got me thinking about the pain we endure in life, is it all really necessary? My answer.... yes.

Let my make a small note here. I am not talking about the level of pain you experience when you stub your toe, bang your elbow or have a hang nail. I am talking about the level of pain that alters who you are as a human being. The level of pain that which alters your relationship to the world and people around you. The pain you experience when a loved one passes away, the man you thought was the love of your life breaks your heart into a million pieces, or your back spasms and for an hour you swear you will never get off the floor or maybe not ever walk again. That is the level of pain I am talking about.

After giving it some thought, I think that it is these experiences that act as the road markers in your life. It is those experiences that have made me who I am today. For me, my life altering experiences have come in the body/ physical form. For a brief period of time it took an entire team of doctors and nurses to get my heart beating again. Have you ever come to after a very large man has been doing compressions and using paddles on your chest? Several operations to implant a pacemaker and then another couple to get it working properly? Being hooked up to more machines than you can count  and having so many drugs running through your body that you aren't certain weather the leprechaun tickling your feet is real or not? See the look on your mother's face as she turns the corner in your hospital room and in that exact moment having your view of life altered? I've been through that. Seeing my the look on my mother's face and the sheer thought of possibly never seeing it again I learnt to appreciate life, appreciate everything that it gives you, right down to the breathes you take. My second most recent one, my back spasming so bad that I could barely walk and the level of pain I experienced made me legs want to buckle right out from underneath me. This experience has taught me to not take your body for granted because if you push to hard it will push back.

I guess my point is, it doesn't matter how painful you think your experience is, it is happening for a reason. It is preparing you to be able to appreciate those really great moments when they come along. Your broken heart now, over that boy or girl, is only preparing you to REALLY appreciate that one special person when they arrive. Loosing your loved one is showing you to appreciate the gift that life truly is and to celebrate that persons life as it was. The physical pain I am experiencing in my back right now is only preparing me for the big game I am about to take on in the world to make a BIG difference. It is a reminder that to make succeed at this game I have to have a body fit to do that.

As hard as it may seem at this point in time, look at some pain your experiencing and try to see past the pain to the lesson. It may just help you move through the pain a little quicker to get to those really juicy delicious parts of life.