Letting Go...

So I’m clear that my 2012 is not starting out as previous envisioned. In fact I’ve cried daily, moved from anger to frustration to sadness in the span of a minute and seriously thought at one point that there is something wrong with me mentally. In walks the BFF “AL” for a smack upside the head and a heart to heart.

Have you ever held on to something so tight that when you finally stopped and looked you couldn’t really remember why you were holding on?  Have you ever rushed into a decision because you just want the answer so bad, you couldn’t wait? Or my personal favorite…have you ever had an argument or thrown a temper tantrum because something didn’t go your way or because you couldn’t deal with not being right?

I was/am one of those women that have to have the answer for everything and I have to have it right away. If something didn’t/doesn’t go my way, trust me, I’m going to make darn sure you know about it and I’ve made more snap judgements and un-thoughtful decisions because I didn’t want to see how it was going to play out.

This morning on the phone I got why. I’m currently hanging on the edge of a cliff. There are a lot of areas of my life that are up in the air right now and I don’t know how they are going to play out. If I climb back up the cliff I’m going back to what I’ve always down, how I’ve always done it. If I let go and fall it means trusting that no matter what, what is meant to happen will happen. Now for a girl that always has to have all the answers, you can see why I’ve been an anxiety stricken, tear factory producing mess the first 18 days of this year. For the first time I’m letting go and I’m going to fall, I’m going to let things play out how they play out and trust that what is meant to happen will happen.

My dear BFF AL said this really great thing “A breakthrough is a quick fix to an annoying problem, a transition is shifting who you are to your very core and you my friend are smack dap in the middle of a transition so let go of the cliff.”

So, I’m letting go of expectations, assumptions, judgements and having to always know what’s on the other side. This isn’t to say that those things won’t always be there, it’s about practicing letting them go. 

The First 12 days....

I'm taking the advice so eloquently put in this picture

So they say that the first 12 days of the year dictate how your year is going to go. It has been one hell of a ride that I have no desire to stay on for the year, which means I have 2 days to change how my first 12 days have gone.

What I’ve discovered, thus far, in my first 9 days is…

1.)    I do not adapt well to change, at all! If plans change and I’m not given ample notice I can through a hissy fight that could match a 2 year old that you’ve just told cannot have the bright shiny new toy she wants. Even worse, if I’m not told till the last minute and have no say in the change in plans….well just picture the little girl from Poltergeist, head spinning, pea soup spewing….you get the point.

2.)    My insecurities, which I thought I was keeping a pretty good handle on, have reared their ugly head in different, new ways. They masked themselves in “designer clothes” thinking I wouldn’t notice the new form they’ve taken. HA! Funny thing when you think you’ve dealt with an issue, it will take a new shape and reappear.

3.)    I have a boyfriend that, although not perfect, has more patience in his pinky finger than I do in my whole body. How do I know this? Well, he’s dating me, so he has to because I do not make it easy on him at times.

 

I have cried more, been upset more, been angry more and been so frustrated in the first 9 days of this year that I’m pulling out my big ol’ reset button and calling a do-over!

The three things I won’t do over…all the time I’ve spent getting to know my boyfriend’s family, my time with my Mumma, and my visit to one of the most beautiful cities this province has to offer and my hometown, Vernon.

Alright January 10^th & 11^th let’s go! 

2012 Baby!!!

Well 2012 has finally arrived and 2011 has come to a close and what a year it has been.

I set out to accomplish a series of goals last year, some of them I did and some of them I did not. The past year has felt like a few layers of skin have been shed. A lot of my reasons and excuses for not doing things went bankrupt, I’ve put myself out on a limb a couple times this year and it wasn’t as scary as previously expected. I’ve stood up for myself this year, when normally I would have shut down or coward away in fear. I strengthened some friendships and lost some friendships as well. I moved forward in some areas of my life and took a step or two backwards in others, but that is ok. 

What I am excited about is how all this change and newness is going to work its magic on my life in 2012. This coming year I want to….

1.       Take more risks than I’ve ever taken before. If my first response to something is no, then I want to make sure I say “Hell Yes!”

2.       Live my life with passion, power, confidence and ease.

3.       Look fear in the face and tell it to “F*ck off!”

4.       Love everyone and everything, especially when I don’t want to or it doesn’t look possible.

5.       Do more things than I’ve ever done before

There were parts to this year that I felt like it was just more of the same; more of the same bullshit, more of the same happening over and over again. The great thing about that is that it wasn’t the whole year! So this year I want to continue busting up the bullshit by living and breathing my 5 points above.

With that in mind here is my game plan for 2012…

1.       Eat healthy and food that nourishes my body. This year I’m not going to focus on losing a certain number or getting to a certain number. What I’m going to focus on is feeding my body the type of food that gives it proper vitamins, minerals and in return gives me health, vitality and energy.

2.       Exercise more. Try all different kinds of exercise and make them fun

3.       Get my driver’s license FINALLY. Enough said.

4.       Be more responsible in the area of money and saving. I have things I want to accomplish and I can’t do those things without the proper financial foundation.

5.       Read more, I love reading and I enjoy reading, but for some reason I hardly ever read, so this year I read more!  1 book a month, minimum.

6.       Live, breathe and take in the 5 points listed in the first part of this entry to every fibre of my being

7.       HAVE FUN!

Bring on 2012!

Drop Dead Diva Project...

This project was born from my breakthrough in a previous post Beliefs and in conjunction with the love of one of my FAVORITE TV shows, Lifetime’s Drop Dead Diva (click here for show website). This  show “tells the story of a shallow wannabe model (Deb) who dies in a sudden accident only to find her soul resurfacing in the body of a brilliant, plus-size and recently deceased attorney, Jane.  Outraged by her sudden demise, she attempts to persuade Fred to return her to her shallow existence but is accidentally relegated to the body of the recently deceased Jane Bingum (Brooke Elliott). An intelligent, thoughtful and plus-size attorney with a loyal assistant, Teri (Margaret Cho), Jane has always lived in the shadow of her colleagues, whereas Deb has always relied on her external beauty. By a twist of fate and a bolt of divine intervention, Deb must come to terms with inhabiting Jane’s curvier frame and learn to reconcile her beauty-queen ways with her brilliant new mind.”   (about the show). The grace, strength, poise and courage that the character, Jane/Deb, faces the world with each day is inspiring and the belief she has in herself is unbreakable. This is what I want every woman, including myself, to feel each and every day.

To be a “Drop Dead Diva” you must have the desire and will to love yourself no matter what and to take your inner Diva that lives inside all of us and let her out. I call mine my “Blooming Diva”, she’s been looking to get out for quite some time and so out she shall come.  I was told once, or read somewhere, that your outside physical appearance doesn’t always match how you feel on the inside once you remove all the worries, insecurities and concerns about what people think. This year that is what I have done, gone to work on removing all those inner insecurities, worries and concerns about what people think about me. So my inner diva is looking to bloom and turn my outer appearance into the beautiful butterfly that I am on the inside. Now, before ya’ll go and get in an uproar, I am in no way saying that I’m not already a pretty lil butterfly, I am talking about a healthy, fit butterfly. I’ve been sharing this with some of my friends and they’ve jumped down my throat about me already being a beautiful butterfly, so I’m just clarifying! Wow, that is a whole lot of butterfly talk in one paragraph!

As of last Friday I’ve signed on with a very dear friend, Karyn, to be part of a 90 day challenge. I’m giving myself 90 days to prove to myself that I have what it takes to let out my “Blooming Diva”. Let’s call it the 

Drop Dead Diva Project 90 Day Kick Off Party!!!

This party kicks off Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest, as there are a couple peeps that have joined this challenge.  What I want out of the next 90 days? I am out to prove to myself that I CAN DO THIS. I have a nasty habit of not believing in myself that I am out to destroy and I’m using the next 90 days and the support of my friends and family to do this.

My invitation: Come along on the next 90 days. Take one area of your life that you have not been letting your inner Diva out to play. Plot the actions, take the steps and let the b*tch out! 

Update!

Well it is officially the first day of the last month of the 2011. I can’t help but be a little reflective, a little disappointed, yet at the same time optimistic and looking forward to the next month and 2012.

The disappointment comes from not really having accomplished much on my list of goals that I set out for this year, but the optimism comes from all the changes that I have had and continue to have these last 11 months. I’ve had a couple friends say to me recently that I’m not the same person I was at the start of the year, that I have a “glow” about me and a smile frequents my face a majority of the day. Now don’t go over analyzing the “glow” comment, I’m not pregnant and I ain’t using any miracle creams I promise ;) I believe that the glow comes from a level of genuine happiness that seems to have crept into my life.  I’m more confident in certain areas of my life and feel like I’m genuinely blessed to have all that I have. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am dead smack in the middle of one of the most uncomfortable times in my life. All my old ways of dealing with situations and things are going bankrupt and I haven’t quite navigated the waters of confidence and power, but I’m getting there.

I don’t know where I would be at in this journey this year if it wasn’t for my friends and family. Although there have been a lot of changes I’m grateful for each and every one of them.  I’m also grateful for the new friends and potential family members that have come into my life this year, and the great things that I will learn from them and them from me.

I was pretty stuck in my ways at the beginning of the year and although I didn’t accomplish all that I wanted, I’m happy about what I have accomplished and how I have grown. Normally I would be beating myself with a mental bat for not accomplishing what I outlined, but right now I see the gaps of why some of them didn’t happen and the structures I’m putting in to support the success of those goals next year.

Don’t worry, Drop Dead Diva Project post is coming! I know I said it would be the next post, but I couldn’t help but post this first J

Beliefs...

Rattlesnake Point, Vernon B.C.

I sat down to write a post, not 100% certain about what exactly. I swore that I would not write a blog post if I felt that I was constantly complaining about the same things, never taking action, blah, blah, blah. Then I realized that growing requires getting uncomfortable and continuously peeling the onion. I have yet again peeled another layer of my onion that is my weight loss journey...

There have been a lot of “beliefs” that I have regarded as cold hard facts…truths, if you will, that are all of a sudden being presented to me as false.  As human we develop these beliefs out of decisions we make in a split second from events in our lives. For most, you don’t question them, for me, I’m like a pit-bull looking for blood when it comes to personal development, so here it goes.

False Belief #1: In my world I have to lose a ton of weight before I can find love. I had to lose weight before I could be in a relationship, get married, have babies etc… Although, yes, I saw plus size girls all the time, married with children, what always went through my head was “That is great for them, but for me I have to lose weight first.” Well this has been thrown out the window with me being in an amazing relationship, where he tells me, on a regular basis, how beautiful I am and how much he loves being with me.

False Belief #2: No one can love me as much as the boyfriend says he does, because I don’t even love myself that much. This one stung a little because its admitted that in the world of love, it wasn’t possible for me to love myself at this size, but don’t worry, when I lose weight I will very much love myself because I would be more acceptable and easy to love.  “That which you resist, persists” By not loving myself no matter what, the weight stays exactly where it is. Now, I ‘ve made strides in the area of loving myself since I started my journey earlier this year, but strides is no longer good enough. I can take the love that my boyfriend, my friends and my family give me and use it to train myself in the art of loving myself. Your partner, friends and family love you unconditionally and since we all know that I haven’t been very good at it, why not look at myself through someone else’s eyes and love what they love, see what they see…

False Belief #3: I’m screwed. I developed this belief when the popular gym teacher told me I wasn’t going to be able to participate in an exercise because of my size and the entire class looked at me. I decided that it didn’t matter how hard I tired I was screwed because if the popular gym teacher said so, then it must be true. I was overweight, but not to terrible at this point in high school and with the help of my mother had been trying really hard to lose the excess weight. I’m screwed became the perfect excuse to give up.

Closely in behind I’m screwed, is I have to be perfect at everything. I’ve held the belief, since elementary school, that if I wasn’t going to be able to do something perfectly, don’t bother doing it at all.  This has crept in and out of previous blog posts, but I’m calling it out now. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, kind of like beauty. You are the only person that dictates what perfect is, because perfect to me is different than what is perfect to you.  What I’ve discovered is that perfect doesn’t matter, it’s trying that counts. I’m reminded of what someone said to me once “I don’t care that you’ve tried 1000 times Nicole, try 1001, 2000, 4000 if that’s what it takes, just try”.

So, with these beliefs now turning up bunk what am I left with? Well for the first time in a long time I have a little bit more faith in myself and it’s time to have a little fun and give a whole lotta love my way. From this, the Drop Dead Diva Project has been born, stay tuned for the next post…

Your Heart...

Sometimes giving your heart to another is one of the scariest things you can do in life. It means opening yourself up to a world of potential hurt and heartbreak.

As most of you know I have entered into a relationship that I have dreamed about for a really long time and I thought that everything was perfect. I placed my heart into the hands of a man that I have loved since I was 14 years old. When you place your heart in someone else’s hands you hope and pray that they take care of it the way that you will take care of theirs, assuming they’ve done the same. You want them to cherish it, love it, nurture it and put their life on the line to ensure that it doesn’t get broken.

This week it feels as if mine is being tossed up in the air for a game of catch. It’s like I'm watching a baseball pitcher, standing on his pitcher’s mound, tossing the ball up in the air and catching it with his glove, but not looking at the ball, he’s looking at his teammate over his right shoulder.  I watched as events unfolded and conversations were had that made me want to jank my heart away from this person with such freight that I remember saying to myself at one point “I’m never going to give this thing away again”.

Then thanks to a quote posted on a friend’s Facebook, I remembered, you have to love someone with everything that you have, every fibre of your body. Holding back this love doesn’t serve any purpose. There is a line in a quote that reads “love like it will never hurt”. If you‘ve ever been through what I’ve described above you know what I’m talking about. Loving like it will never hurt takes something deep from within your soul. You have to give up all protection mechanisms that we develop as humans over the years. IT’S SCARY! But when you stop and think about what not doing this gets you….do you want a life of “what if’s” and regrets, or do you want to arrive at the pearly white gates with scrapes on your knees and mud in your hair saying “Sweet ride!”