Childlike Enthusiasm...

“Put yourself into life and never lose your openness, your childish enthusiasm throughout the journey that is life, and things will come your way” ~Fredirico Fellini~

I remember growing up, as a wee little girl, sitting in my room for hours, dreaming of the life I was going to one day have. All the really great things in life I was going to accomplish, the things I was going change in the world.

I was going to live in a huge plantation style house, with a mile long drive way that will be lined with big trees and cherry blossoms. A wrap around balcony with a chair swing, a lake off to one side, a big tree in the backyard with a tire swing for the kids to play on. I could go on for hours of the dreams I used to have. What happened? When did we stop dreaming and just starting going with the motions of life?

Last night I was walking in the rain, with a friend and we were walking through a public garden exploring the different spaces, climbing through and around the different boxes. Feeling the flowers, the plants, even tasting a couple trying to figure out what they were. I stopped for a brief moment to just listen to the rain and watch it fall. It was so gentle, so soft, and peaceful, it was idyllic. In that moment it felt like I was holding hands with that little girl that loved to play in the puddles and dream. I was quickly snapped back to reality to my cell phone buzzing away and my friend calling to keep walking.  It was the most fun I’ve had in a really long time.

Where has the child like enthusiasm for life gone? Has it been replaced with adult responsibilities and proper behavior?

I don’t know about you, but I want more moments like last night and fewer moments widdling my worry stick sitting in my rocking chair full of concerns and adult responsibilities.

Gift of Life...

Today I received some news that a dear friend of mine has passed away. I am still processing the sadness and grief around his loss. He was one of the most caring, generous and loving men I know. My last conversation with him he said to me “Don’t shrink Nikki, the world needs to see your greatness. “ I know that he would not want me sitting around grieving his loss, he would expect me to crack a beer and watch a football game. Every Monday during football season, a few years back, we sat in a pub and he tried as hard as hell to explain the game to me, never quite got it.

There was one thing he and I had in common, heart troubles, which forced us both to appreciate the gift that is life. I was forced to face, at the age of 20, that I am not as indestructible as I thought I was and you may not get a second chance, like I did, to live life so appreciate it, live it, love it.

I had a pacemaker implanted after my heart decided to take an extended vacation because the electrical system was broken. I remember that moment everything started to go black, I could hear the monitors behind me start to make all sorts of sounds, and I remember watching the nurses and dr.’s rush towards me. The next thing I remember is watching them work on me for a long time. Yes, you read that right, I watched it all; all the needles, all the compressions, the paddles, I saw it all. I then remember blinking and looking back up at all the dr.’s and nurses and starting to cry. After that I don’t remember much until my mom walked around the corner, saw me laying there with all the tubes and machines beeping away. She kissed me on the forehead and said “Don’t you dare die before me, understand missy?” I knew from that moment on that I was given a second chance at life, to live it, embrace and enjoy it.

So, if you fought with someone today, weather you were right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. Call them or look at them and apologize and let them know how much you love them. Kiss your kids and appreciate the blessing they are, no matter how badly they make you want to pull your hair out. Give thanks for the amazing person your wife/husband/girlfriend/ boyfriend is. That friend that you haven’t spoken to for quite some time, but they pop into your mind, pick up the phone, call, write, email, get in touch with them. Tick those items off your bucket list. Start that hobby you put down because you never have the time. Just do it.

Life truly is a gift, don’t take it for granted, appreciate it, live it and love every minute of it. 

A Moment...

Sometimes you experience a moment, just this brief period of time where you are looking up at the full moon, shining so brightly, and you start to smile and what comes rushing in is this overwhelming sense of hope, joy, but most of all…peace. In this brief moment you can feel that everything is going to be ok, that you are going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is that moment where you can exhale. You can exhale all the worry, all the anger, all the sadness that you’ve been holding on to. You being to breathe again and you soak in the moment and you smile. 

Undergoing Major Renovations…

There are times when you start to make some really big decisions in your life and you begin to realize how deep those previous choices have run. I recently stripped myself bare of a fair chunk of things I used to believe in and hold as personal truths. Being stripped of these, is not a bad thing, but it leaves you feeling like an old house that has been stripped, left with only its frame. For many, many years you paint over colors, put up wall paper, paint over that, rip up the floor and put down laminate, not real hard wood, but it will do.  Sooner or later you get so tired and stuck in a rut you bring in a demo crew and all that’s left standing is the foundation and the frame. Leaving you feeling naked and vulnerable to the elements of the world, but one the other hand completely excited about the new house you get to build and live in for years and years to come.

Being naked and vulnerable is kind of scary because you’re first instinct is to rush in with old habits and ways of operating to protect yourself, but you try every time to remember that it’s those old habits and old thought patterns that got you here and because you are hell bend on not putting up the same ol’ ugly wallpaper you try your hardest to get comfortable being naked. Each day taking one step forward and try with all your might to re-build a house that can withstand any earthquake, flood, tornado or hurricane that the universe can throw at it.

Rebuilding one piece of plywood at a time, one piece of drywall at a time, one can of primer at a time, one can of beautiful brightly colored paint at a time because this is your chance to paint the mosaic you’ve always wanted to; your chance to rebuild your house on your own terms, no one else’s. Your strength to take on such a large renovation comes from having such a strong foundation. My foundation consists of the raw determination that is inside of me to never settle, never give up, to always go kicking and screaming. It is then reinforced with the strength of my friends and family who are always right there to help with the hard parts.

When was the last time you were comfortable being naked?