Thankful...

Starbucks Valentine's Cup

Eleanor Roosevelt said “If you can live through that [a difficult situation] you can live through anything. You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”

So this last week has been probably in my top 5 of worst weeks of my life, right below the week I died, because there have been times this week that I have thought death would have probably felt better then moving through some of the disrespect, pain and anger I was feeling. Although I am now coming out the other side I have moments where I can feel my heart sink and the tears well up in my eyes. The love I have felt and kept tucked in the depths of my heart for the last 15 years is now coming to an end. Here is what I am thankful for...

1)      I'm thankful to have experienced that kind of pure love. There are people in this world that have gone through life never allowing themselves to feel love or to experience that level of love and I am thankful and grateful to him that I was granted the gift to experience this kind of love.

2)      I'm thankful to him for having taught me to never settle for anything less than what I deserve. I'm thankful to him for showing me that no matter what, never settle.

3)      I'm thankful for learning this past week that although I have this tendency to want to do things on my own and “tough it out”, it is ok to let friends and family fill your heart with love when it feels broken and empty. I have amazing pillars of strength all around me when I feel like I can't even breathe.

I am learning to my very core that I can, indeed, take anything that comes alone. I’m stronger than I know, more beautiful than I believe and more talented than I can ever imagine. 

Anger...

So since sleep seems to not be my friend at this point in time and I’ve got all this stuff going through my brain I thought what better place to come than you guys.

I’m dealing with a broken heart right now. I’m looking at the floor and seeing the billion pieces my heart has been broken into. All day my head was in a fog, crying at the drop of a hat, feeling the grief for the end of a relationship. Now, something else seems to be starting to trickle into its place. I don’t know how I feel about it or how to process it.anger.

Our relationship ended because he started to pull away with no real explanation as to why. In an act of desperation I betrayed his trust and logged into his Facebook account and started to do some reading and quickly discovered that he was not being faithful. I'm going to add in that this was not the first time either. When I asked him about it there was flat out denial, but how can you deny what I read. I didn’t make it up, when you read that your boyfriend has been kissing another girl, spending time with another girl, how do you deny that? Now, I do not condone the act of me hacking into his Facebook account without consent, that is not the kind of person I am or want to be which is why I owned up to it to him, but why is he the only one that gets to be upset and angry? What about me? How come it feels like I’m the one that gets cheated on, but somehow this is all my fault?

I’ve held onto the love for the man since I was 14 years old and believed that if we were given the opportunity that everything would be great. That opportunity came to life and for a couple months I was happy. I poured my heart and soul into this relationship. He’s had a rough go of things, so I did everything I could to support him. I gave him work, gave him money, paid for bus tickets, bought him things, bought his kids things and now the anger is setting in that I do all of that for him because I love him and he cheats on me and gets to make me out to be the bad guy?

His family welcomed me into their hearts and homes with open arms and so when our relationship ended, out of my respect and love for them, I sent a brief msg telling them what I’d done and my apologies to them. This is one of the most amazing and loving families you could ever meet and part of my sadness today is realizing the fact that they are no longer going to be in my life the way I had originally hoped they were going to be.

I don’t know how to process this. I don’t want to be this bitter woman that builds a 30 foot brick wall around myself but I’m finding it really difficult not to at the moment. Then on the other side of all of that is this little tiny voice that still says “Don’t give up hope Nikki, you two are meant to be, just not now”

Letting Go...

So I’m clear that my 2012 is not starting out as previous envisioned. In fact I’ve cried daily, moved from anger to frustration to sadness in the span of a minute and seriously thought at one point that there is something wrong with me mentally. In walks the BFF “AL” for a smack upside the head and a heart to heart.

Have you ever held on to something so tight that when you finally stopped and looked you couldn’t really remember why you were holding on?  Have you ever rushed into a decision because you just want the answer so bad, you couldn’t wait? Or my personal favorite…have you ever had an argument or thrown a temper tantrum because something didn’t go your way or because you couldn’t deal with not being right?

I was/am one of those women that have to have the answer for everything and I have to have it right away. If something didn’t/doesn’t go my way, trust me, I’m going to make darn sure you know about it and I’ve made more snap judgements and un-thoughtful decisions because I didn’t want to see how it was going to play out.

This morning on the phone I got why. I’m currently hanging on the edge of a cliff. There are a lot of areas of my life that are up in the air right now and I don’t know how they are going to play out. If I climb back up the cliff I’m going back to what I’ve always down, how I’ve always done it. If I let go and fall it means trusting that no matter what, what is meant to happen will happen. Now for a girl that always has to have all the answers, you can see why I’ve been an anxiety stricken, tear factory producing mess the first 18 days of this year. For the first time I’m letting go and I’m going to fall, I’m going to let things play out how they play out and trust that what is meant to happen will happen.

My dear BFF AL said this really great thing “A breakthrough is a quick fix to an annoying problem, a transition is shifting who you are to your very core and you my friend are smack dap in the middle of a transition so let go of the cliff.”

So, I’m letting go of expectations, assumptions, judgements and having to always know what’s on the other side. This isn’t to say that those things won’t always be there, it’s about practicing letting them go. 

The First 12 days....

I'm taking the advice so eloquently put in this picture

So they say that the first 12 days of the year dictate how your year is going to go. It has been one hell of a ride that I have no desire to stay on for the year, which means I have 2 days to change how my first 12 days have gone.

What I’ve discovered, thus far, in my first 9 days is…

1.)    I do not adapt well to change, at all! If plans change and I’m not given ample notice I can through a hissy fight that could match a 2 year old that you’ve just told cannot have the bright shiny new toy she wants. Even worse, if I’m not told till the last minute and have no say in the change in plans….well just picture the little girl from Poltergeist, head spinning, pea soup spewing….you get the point.

2.)    My insecurities, which I thought I was keeping a pretty good handle on, have reared their ugly head in different, new ways. They masked themselves in “designer clothes” thinking I wouldn’t notice the new form they’ve taken. HA! Funny thing when you think you’ve dealt with an issue, it will take a new shape and reappear.

3.)    I have a boyfriend that, although not perfect, has more patience in his pinky finger than I do in my whole body. How do I know this? Well, he’s dating me, so he has to because I do not make it easy on him at times.

 

I have cried more, been upset more, been angry more and been so frustrated in the first 9 days of this year that I’m pulling out my big ol’ reset button and calling a do-over!

The three things I won’t do over…all the time I’ve spent getting to know my boyfriend’s family, my time with my Mumma, and my visit to one of the most beautiful cities this province has to offer and my hometown, Vernon.

Alright January 10^th & 11^th let’s go! 

2012 Baby!!!

Well 2012 has finally arrived and 2011 has come to a close and what a year it has been.

I set out to accomplish a series of goals last year, some of them I did and some of them I did not. The past year has felt like a few layers of skin have been shed. A lot of my reasons and excuses for not doing things went bankrupt, I’ve put myself out on a limb a couple times this year and it wasn’t as scary as previously expected. I’ve stood up for myself this year, when normally I would have shut down or coward away in fear. I strengthened some friendships and lost some friendships as well. I moved forward in some areas of my life and took a step or two backwards in others, but that is ok. 

What I am excited about is how all this change and newness is going to work its magic on my life in 2012. This coming year I want to….

1.       Take more risks than I’ve ever taken before. If my first response to something is no, then I want to make sure I say “Hell Yes!”

2.       Live my life with passion, power, confidence and ease.

3.       Look fear in the face and tell it to “F*ck off!”

4.       Love everyone and everything, especially when I don’t want to or it doesn’t look possible.

5.       Do more things than I’ve ever done before

There were parts to this year that I felt like it was just more of the same; more of the same bullshit, more of the same happening over and over again. The great thing about that is that it wasn’t the whole year! So this year I want to continue busting up the bullshit by living and breathing my 5 points above.

With that in mind here is my game plan for 2012…

1.       Eat healthy and food that nourishes my body. This year I’m not going to focus on losing a certain number or getting to a certain number. What I’m going to focus on is feeding my body the type of food that gives it proper vitamins, minerals and in return gives me health, vitality and energy.

2.       Exercise more. Try all different kinds of exercise and make them fun

3.       Get my driver’s license FINALLY. Enough said.

4.       Be more responsible in the area of money and saving. I have things I want to accomplish and I can’t do those things without the proper financial foundation.

5.       Read more, I love reading and I enjoy reading, but for some reason I hardly ever read, so this year I read more!  1 book a month, minimum.

6.       Live, breathe and take in the 5 points listed in the first part of this entry to every fibre of my being

7.       HAVE FUN!

Bring on 2012!

Drop Dead Diva Project...

This project was born from my breakthrough in a previous post Beliefs and in conjunction with the love of one of my FAVORITE TV shows, Lifetime’s Drop Dead Diva (click here for show website). This  show “tells the story of a shallow wannabe model (Deb) who dies in a sudden accident only to find her soul resurfacing in the body of a brilliant, plus-size and recently deceased attorney, Jane.  Outraged by her sudden demise, she attempts to persuade Fred to return her to her shallow existence but is accidentally relegated to the body of the recently deceased Jane Bingum (Brooke Elliott). An intelligent, thoughtful and plus-size attorney with a loyal assistant, Teri (Margaret Cho), Jane has always lived in the shadow of her colleagues, whereas Deb has always relied on her external beauty. By a twist of fate and a bolt of divine intervention, Deb must come to terms with inhabiting Jane’s curvier frame and learn to reconcile her beauty-queen ways with her brilliant new mind.”   (about the show). The grace, strength, poise and courage that the character, Jane/Deb, faces the world with each day is inspiring and the belief she has in herself is unbreakable. This is what I want every woman, including myself, to feel each and every day.

To be a “Drop Dead Diva” you must have the desire and will to love yourself no matter what and to take your inner Diva that lives inside all of us and let her out. I call mine my “Blooming Diva”, she’s been looking to get out for quite some time and so out she shall come.  I was told once, or read somewhere, that your outside physical appearance doesn’t always match how you feel on the inside once you remove all the worries, insecurities and concerns about what people think. This year that is what I have done, gone to work on removing all those inner insecurities, worries and concerns about what people think about me. So my inner diva is looking to bloom and turn my outer appearance into the beautiful butterfly that I am on the inside. Now, before ya’ll go and get in an uproar, I am in no way saying that I’m not already a pretty lil butterfly, I am talking about a healthy, fit butterfly. I’ve been sharing this with some of my friends and they’ve jumped down my throat about me already being a beautiful butterfly, so I’m just clarifying! Wow, that is a whole lot of butterfly talk in one paragraph!

As of last Friday I’ve signed on with a very dear friend, Karyn, to be part of a 90 day challenge. I’m giving myself 90 days to prove to myself that I have what it takes to let out my “Blooming Diva”. Let’s call it the 

Drop Dead Diva Project 90 Day Kick Off Party!!!

This party kicks off Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest, as there are a couple peeps that have joined this challenge.  What I want out of the next 90 days? I am out to prove to myself that I CAN DO THIS. I have a nasty habit of not believing in myself that I am out to destroy and I’m using the next 90 days and the support of my friends and family to do this.

My invitation: Come along on the next 90 days. Take one area of your life that you have not been letting your inner Diva out to play. Plot the actions, take the steps and let the b*tch out! 

Update!

Well it is officially the first day of the last month of the 2011. I can’t help but be a little reflective, a little disappointed, yet at the same time optimistic and looking forward to the next month and 2012.

The disappointment comes from not really having accomplished much on my list of goals that I set out for this year, but the optimism comes from all the changes that I have had and continue to have these last 11 months. I’ve had a couple friends say to me recently that I’m not the same person I was at the start of the year, that I have a “glow” about me and a smile frequents my face a majority of the day. Now don’t go over analyzing the “glow” comment, I’m not pregnant and I ain’t using any miracle creams I promise ;) I believe that the glow comes from a level of genuine happiness that seems to have crept into my life.  I’m more confident in certain areas of my life and feel like I’m genuinely blessed to have all that I have. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am dead smack in the middle of one of the most uncomfortable times in my life. All my old ways of dealing with situations and things are going bankrupt and I haven’t quite navigated the waters of confidence and power, but I’m getting there.

I don’t know where I would be at in this journey this year if it wasn’t for my friends and family. Although there have been a lot of changes I’m grateful for each and every one of them.  I’m also grateful for the new friends and potential family members that have come into my life this year, and the great things that I will learn from them and them from me.

I was pretty stuck in my ways at the beginning of the year and although I didn’t accomplish all that I wanted, I’m happy about what I have accomplished and how I have grown. Normally I would be beating myself with a mental bat for not accomplishing what I outlined, but right now I see the gaps of why some of them didn’t happen and the structures I’m putting in to support the success of those goals next year.

Don’t worry, Drop Dead Diva Project post is coming! I know I said it would be the next post, but I couldn’t help but post this first J